CHEREA [coolly]: With pleasure, my dear Cæsonia. Our quarrel arose from a discussion whether poetry should be bloodthirsty or not.
CÆSONIA: An interesting problem. Somewhat beyond my feminine comprehension, of course. Still it surprises me that your passion for art should make you come to blows.
CHEREA [in the same rather stilted tone]: That I can well understand. But I remember Caligula’s telling me the other day that all true passion has a spice of cruelty.
CÆSONIA [helping herself from the dish in front of her]: There’s truth in that. Don’t you agree, gentlemen?
THE OLD PATRICIAN: Ah, yes. Caligula has a rare insight into the secret places of the heart.
FIRST PATRICIAN: And how eloquently he spoke just now of courage!
SECOND PATRICIAN: Really, he should put his ideas into writing. They would be most instructive.
CHEREA: And, what’s more, it would keep him busy. It’s obvious he needs something to occupy his leisure.
CÆSONIA [still eating]: You’ll be pleased to hear that Caligula shares your views; he’s working on a book. Quite a big one, I believe.
[CALIGULA enters, accompanied by MUCIUS’ WIFE.]
CALIGULA: Mucius, I return your wife, with many thanks. But excuse me, I’ve some orders to give.
[He hurries out. MUCIUS has gone pale and risen to his feet.]
CÆSONIA [to MUCIUS, who is standing]: This book of his will certainly rank among our Latin Classics. Are you listening, Mucius?
MUCIUS [his eyes still fixed on the door by which CALIGULA went out]: Yes. And what’s the book about, Cæsonia?
CÆSONIA [indifferently]: Oh, it’s above my head, you know.
CHEREA: May we assume it deals with the murderous power of poetry?
CÆSONIA: Yes, something of that sort, I understand.
THE OLD PATRICIAN [cheerfully]: Well anyhow, as our friend Cherea said, it will keep him busy.
CÆSONIA: Yes, my love. But I’m afraid there’s one thing you won’t like quite so much about this book, and that’s its title.
CHEREA: What is it?
CÆSONIA: Cold Steel.
[Caligula hurries in.]
CALIGULA: Excuse me, but I’ve some urgent public work in hand. [To the INTENDANT] Intendant, you are to close the public granaries. I have signed a decree to that effect; you will find it in my study.
INTENDANT: But, sire …
CALIGULA: Famine begins tomorrow.
INTENDANT: But … but heaven knows what may happen—perhaps a revolution.
CALIGULA [firmly and deliberately]: I repeat; famine begins tomorrow. We all know what famine means—a national catastrophe. Well, tomorrow there will be a catastrophe, and I shall end it when I choose. After all, I haven’t so many ways of proving I am free. One is always free at someone else’s expense. Absurd perhaps, but so it is. [With a keen glance at MUCIUS] Apply this principle to your jealousy—and you’ll understand better. [In a meditative tone] Still, what an ugly thing is jealousy! A disease of vanity and the imagination. One pictures one’s wife.… [MUCIUS clenches his fists and opens his mouth to speak. Before he can get a word out, CALIGULA cuts in] Now, gentlemen, let’s go on with our meal.… Do you know, we’ve been doing quite a lot of work, with Helicon’s assistance? Putting the final touches to a little monograph on execution—about which you will have much to say.
HELICON: Assuming we ask your opinion.
CALIGULA: Why not be generous, Helicon, and let them into our little secrets? Come now, give them a sample. Section Three, first paragraph.
HELICON [standing, declaims in a droning voice]: “Execution relieves and liberates. It is universal, tonic, just in precept and in practice. A man dies because he is guilty. A man is guilty because he is one of Caligula’s subjects. Now all men are Caligula’s subjects. Ergo, all men are guilty and shall die. It is only a matter of time and patience.”
CALIGULA [laughing]: There’s logic for you, don’t you agree? That bit about patience was rather neat, wasn’t it? Allow me to tell you, that’s the quality I most admire in you … your patience. Now, gentlemen, you can disperse. Cherea doesn’t need your presence any longer. Cæsonia, I wish you to stay. You too, Lepidus. Also our old friend Mereia. I want to have a little talk with you about our National Brothel. It’s not functioning too well; in fact, I’m quite concerned about it.
[The others file out slowly. CALIGULA follows MUCIUS with his eyes.]
CHEREA: At your orders, Caius. But what’s the trouble? Are the staff unsatisfactory?
CALIGULA: No, but the takings are falling off.
MEREIA: Then you should raise the entrance fee.
CALIGULA: There, Mereia, you missed a golden opportunity of keeping your mouth shut. You’re too old to be interested in the subject, and I don’t want your opinion.
MEREIA: Then why ask me to stay?
CALIGULA: Because, presently, I may require some cool, dispassionate advice.
[MEREIA moves away.]
CHEREA: If you wish to hear my views on the subject, Caius, I’d say, neither coolly nor dispassionately, that it would be a blunder to raise the scale of charges.
CALIGULA: Obviously. What’s needed is a bigger turnover. I’ve explained my plan of campaign to Cæsonia, and she will tell you all about it. As for me, I’ve had too much wine, I’m feeling sleepy.
[He lies down and closes his eyes.]
CÆSONIA: It’s very simple. Caligula is creating a new order of merit.
CHEREA: Sorry, I don’t see the connection.
CÆSONIA: No? But there is one. It will be called the Badge of Civic Merit and awarded to those who have patronized Caligula’s National Brothel most assiduously.
CHEREA: A brilliant idea!
CÆSONIA: I agree. Oh, I forgot to mention that the badge will be conferred each month, after checking the admission tickets. Any citizen who has not obtained the badge within twelve months will be exiled, or executed.
CHEREA: Why “or executed”?
CÆSONIA: Because Caligula says it doesn’t matter which—but it’s important he should have the right of choosing.
CHEREA: Bravo! The Public Treasury will wipe out its deficit in no time
[CALIGULA has half opened his eyes and is watching old MEREIA who, standing in a corner, has produced a small flask and is sipping its contents.]
CALIGULA [still lying on the couch]: What’s that you’re drinking, Mereia?
MEREIA: It’s for my asthma, Caius.
CALIGULA [rises, and thrusting the others aside, goes up to MEREIA and sniffs his mouth]: No, it’s an antidote.
MEREIA: What an idea, Caius! You must be joking. I have choking fits at night and I’ve been in the doctor’s hands for months.
CALIGULA: So you’re afraid of being poisoned?
MEREIA: My asthma …
CALIGULA: No. Why beat about the bush? You’re afraid I’ll poison you. You suspect me. You’re keeping an eye on me.
MEREIA: Good heavens, no!
CALIGULA: You suspect me. I’m not to be trusted, eh?
MEREIA: Caius!
CALIGULA [roughly]: Answer! [In a cool, judicial tone] If you take an antidote, it follows that you credit me with the intention of poisoning you. Q.E.D.
MEREIA: Yes … I mean … no!
CALIGULA: And thinking I intend to poison you, you take steps to frustrate my plan. [He falls silent. Meanwhile CÆSONIA and CHEREA have moved away, backstage. LEPIDUS is watching the speakers with an air of consternation.] That makes two crimes, Mereia, and a dilemma from which you can’t escape. Either I have no wish to cause your death; in which case you are unjustly suspecting me, your emperor. Or else I desire your death; in which case, vermin that you are, you’re trying to thwart my will. [Another silence. CALIGULA contemplates the old man gloatingly.] Well, Mereia, what have you to say to my logic?
MEREIA: It … it’s sound enough, Caius. Only it doesn’t apply to the case.
CALIGULA: A third crime. You take me for a fool. Now sit down and listen carefully. [To LEPIDUS] Let everyone sit down. [To MEREIA] Of these three crimes only one does you honor; the second one—because by crediting me with a certain wish and presuming to oppose it you are deliberately defying me. You are a rebel, a leader of revolt. And that needs courage. [Sadly] I’ve a great liking for you Mereia. And that is why you’ll be condemned for crime number two, and not for either of the others. You shall die nobly, a rebel’s death. [While he talks MEREIA is shrinking together on his chair.] Don’t thank me. It’s quite natural. Here. [Holds out a phial. His tone is amiable.] Drink this poison. [MEREIA shakes his head. He is sobbing violently. CALIGULA shows signs of impatience.] Don’t waste time. Take it. [MEREIA makes a feeble attempt to escape. But CALIGULA with a wild leap is on him, catches him in the center of the stage and after a brief struggle pins him down on a low couch. He forces the phial between his lips and smashes it with a blow of his fist. After some convulsive movements MEREIA dies. His face is streaming with blood and tears. CALIGULA rises, wipes his hands absent-mindedly, then hands MEREIA’S flask to CÆSONIA.] What was it? An antidote?
CÆSONIA [calmly]: No, Caligula. A remedy for asthma.
[A short silence.]
CALIGULA [gazing down at MEREIA]: No matter. It all comes to the same thing in the end. A little sooner, a little later.…
[He goes out hurriedly, still wiping his hands.]
LEPIDUS [in a horrified tone]: What … what shall we do?
CÆSONIA [coolly]: Remove that body to begin with, I should say. It’s rather a beastly sight.
[CHEREA and LEPIDUS drag the body into the wings.]
LEPIDUS [to CHEREA]: We must act quickly.
CHEREA: We’ll need to be two hundred.
[Young SCIPIO enters. Seeing CÆSONIA, he makes as if to leave.]
CÆSONIA: Come.
SCIPIO: What do you want?
CÆSONIA: Come nearer. [She pushes up his chin and looks him in the eyes. A short silence. Then, in a calm, unemotional voice] He killed your father, didn’t he?
SCIPIO: Yes.
CÆSONIA: Do you hate him?
SCIPIO: Yes.
CÆSONIA: And you’d like to kill him?
SCIPIO: Yes.
CÆSONIA
