«My back,» he brought out at last with tears in his eyes, «my spine began to ache…. A damned hæmorrhoid, I can’t stand nor sit … or sit. Akkhee-khee-khee!»…
And it seemed as though the cough that followed was destined to last longer than the old gentleman in possession of it. The old gentleman grumbled something in its intervals, but it was utterly impossible to make out a word.
«Dear sir, for goodness’ sake, move a little,» whispered the unhappy Ivan Andreyitch.
«How can I? There’s no room.»
«But you must admit that it is impossible for me. It is the first time that I have found myself in such a nasty position.»
«And I in such unpleasant society.»
«But, young man!…»
«Hold your tongue!»
«Hold my tongue? You are very uncivil, young man…. If I am not mistaken, you are very young; I am your senior.»
«Hold your tongue!»
«My dear sir! You are forgetting yourself. You don’t know to whom you are talking!»
«To a gentleman lying under the bed.»
«But I was taken by surprise … a mistake, while in your case, if I am not mistaken, immorality….»
«That’s where you are mistaken.»
«My dear sir! I am older than you, I tell you….»
«Sir, we are in the same boat, you know. I beg you not to take hold of my face!»
«Sir, I can’t tell one thing from another. Excuse me, but I have no room.»
«You shouldn’t be so fat!»
«Heavens! I have never been in such a degrading position.»
«Yes, one couldn’t be brought more low.»
«Sir, sir! I don’t know who you are, I don’t understand how this came about; but I am here by mistake; I am not what you think….»
«I shouldn’t think about you at all if you didn’t shove. But hold your tongue, do!»
«Sir, if you don’t move a little I shall have a stroke; you will have to answer for my death, I assure you…. I am a respectable man, I am the father of a family. I really cannot be in such a position!…»
«You thrust yourself into the position. Come, move a little! I’ve made room for you, I can’t do more!»
«Noble young man! Dear sir! I see I was mistaken about you,» said Ivan Andreyitch, in a transport of gratitude for the space allowed him, and stretching out his cramped limbs. «I understand your constricted condition, but there’s no help for it. I see you think ill of me. Allow me to redeem my reputation in your eyes, allow me to tell you who I am. I have come here against my will, I assure you; I am not here with the object you imagine…. I am in a terrible fright.»
«Oh, do shut up! Understand that if we are overheard it will be the worse for us. Sh!… He is talking.»
The old gentleman’s cough did, in fact, seem to be over.
«I tell you what, my love,» he wheezed in the most lachrymose chant, «I tell you what, my love … khee-khee! Oh, what an affliction! Fedosey Ivanovitch said to me: ‘You should try drinking yarrow tea,’ he said to me; do you hear, my love?»
«Yes, dear.»
«Yes, that was what he said, ‘You should try drinking yarrow tea,’ he said. I told him I had put on leeches. But he said, ‘No, Alexandr Demyanovitch, yarrow tea is better, it’s a laxative, I tell you’ … Khee-khee. Oh, dear! What do you think, my love? Khee! Oh, my God! Khee-khee! Had I better try yarrow tea?… Khee-khee-khee! Oh … Khee!» and so on.
«I think it would be just as well to try that remedy,» said his wife.
«Yes, it would be! ‘You may be in consumption,» he said. «Khee-khee! And I told him it was gout and irritability of the stomach … Khee-khee! But he would have it that it might be consumption. What do you think … khee-khee! What do you think, my love; is it consumption?»
«My goodness, what are you talking about?»
«Why, consumption! You had better undress and go to bed now, my love … khee-khee! I’ve caught a cold in my head to-day.»
«Ouf!» said Ivan Andreyitch. «For God’s sake, do move a little.»
«I really don’t know what is the matter with you; can’t you lie still?…»
«You are exasperated against me, young man, you want to wound me, I see that. You are, I suppose, this lady’s lover?»
«Shut up!»
«I will not shut up! I won’t allow you to order me about! You are, no doubt, her lover. If we are discovered I am not to blame in any way; I know nothing about it.»
«If you don’t hold your tongue,» said the young man, grinding his teeth, «I will say that you brought me here. I’ll say that you are my uncle who has dissipated his fortune. Then they won’t imagine I am this lady’s lover, anyway.»
«Sir, you are amusing yourself at my expense. You are exhausting my patience.»
«Hush, or I will make you hush! You are a curse to me. Come, tell me what you are here for? If you were not here I could lie here somehow till morning, and then get away.»
«But I can’t lie here till morning. I am a respectable man, I have family ties, of course…. What do you think, surely he is not going to spend the night here?»
«Who?»
«Why, this old gentleman….»
«Of course he will. All husbands aren’t like you. Some of them spend their nights at home.»
«My dear sir, my dear sir!» cried Ivan Andreyitch, turning cold with terror, «I assure you I spend my nights at home too, and this is the first time; but, my God, I see you know me. Who are you, young man? Tell me at once, I beseech you, from disinterested friendship, who are you?»
«Listen, I shall resort to violence….»
«But allow me, allow me, sir, to tell you, allow me to explain all this horrid business.»
«I won’t listen to any explanation. I don’t want to know anything about it. Be silent or….»
«But I cannot….»
A slight skirmish took place under the bed, and Ivan Andreyitch subsided.
«My love, it sounds as though there were cats hissing.»
«Cats! What will you imagine next?»
Evidently the lady did not know what to talk to her husband about. She was so upset that she could not pull herself together. Now she started and pricked up her ears.
«What cats?»
«Cats, my love. The other day I went into my study, and there was the tom-cat in my study, and hissing shoo-shoo-shoo! I said to him: ‘What is it, pussy?’ and he went shoo-shoo-shoo again, as though he were whispering. I thought, ‘Merciful heavens! isn’t he hissing as a sign of my death?'»
«What nonsense you are talking to-day! You ought to be ashamed, really!»
«Never mind, don’t be cross, my love. I see, you don’t like to think of me dying; I didn’t mean it. But you had better undress and get to bed, my love, and I’ll sit here while you go to bed.»
«For goodness’ sake, leave off; afterwards….»
«Well, don’t be cross, don’t be cross; but really I think there must be mice here.»
«Why, first cats and then mice, I really don’t know what is the matter with you.»
«Oh, I am all right … Khee … I … khee! Never mind … khee-khee-khee-khee! Oh! Lord have mercy on me … khee.»
«You hear, you are making such an upset that he hears you,» whispers the young man.
«But if you knew what is happening to me. My nose is bleeding.»
«Let it bleed. Shut up. Wait till he goes away.»
«But, young man, put yourself in my place. Why, I don’t know with whom I am lying.»
«Would you be any better off if you did? Why, I don’t want to know your name. By the way, what is your name?»
«No; what do you want with my name?… I only want to explain the senseless way in which….»
«Hush … he is speaking again….»
«Really, my love, there is whispering.»
«Oh, no, it’s the cotton wool in your ears has got out of place.»
«Oh, by the way, talking of the cotton wool, do you know that upstairs … khee-khee … upstairs … khee-khee …» and so on.
«Upstairs!» whispered the young man. «Oh, the devil! I thought that this was the top storey; can it be the second?»
«Young man,» whispered Ivan Andreyitch, «what did you say? For goodness’ sake why does it concern you? I thought it was the top storey too. Tell me, for God’s sake, is there another storey?»
«Really some one is stirring,» said the old man, leaving off coughing at last.
«Hush! Do you hear?» whispered the young man, squeezing Ivan Andreyitch’s hands.
«Sir, you are holding my hands by force. Let me go!»
«Hush!»
A slight struggle followed and then there was a silence again.
«So I met a pretty woman …» began the old man.
«A pretty woman!» interrupted his wife.
«Yes…. I thought I told you before that I met a pretty woman on the stairs, or perhaps I did not mention it? My memory is weak. Yes, St. John’s wort … khee!»
«What?»
«I must drink St. John’s wort; they say it does good … khee-khee-khee! It does good!»
«It was you interrupted him,» said the young man, grinding his teeth again.
«You said, you met some pretty woman to-day?» his wife went on.
«Eh?»
«Met a pretty woman?»
«Who did?»
«Why, didn’t you?»
«I? When?»
«Oh, yes!…»
«At last! What a mummy! Well!» whispered the young man, inwardly raging at the forgetful old gentleman.
«My dear sir, I am trembling with horror. My God, what do I hear? It’s like yesterday, exactly like yesterday!…»
«Hush!»
«Yes, to be sure! I remember, a sly puss, such eyes … in a blue hat….»
«In a blue hat! Aïe, aïe!»
«It’s she! She has a blue hat! My God!» cried Ivan Andreyitch.
«She? Who is she?» whispered the young man,
