«Hush!» Ivan Andreyitch exhorted in his turn. «He is speaking.»
«Ah, my God, my God!»
«Though, after all, who hasn’t a blue hat?»
«And such a sly little rogue,» the old gentleman went on «She comes here to see friends. She is always making eyes. And other friends come to see those friends too….»
«Foo! how tedious!» the lady interrupted. «Really, how can you take interest in that?»
«Oh, very well, very well, don’t be cross,» the old gentleman responded in a wheedling chant. «I won’t talk if you don’t care to hear me. You seem a little out of humour this evening.»
«But how did you get here?» the young man began.
«Ah, you see, you see! Now you are interested, and before you wouldn’t listen!»
«Oh, well, I don’t care! Please don’t tell me. Oh, damnation take it, what a mess!»
«Don’t be cross, young man; I don’t know what I am saying. I didn’t mean anything; I only meant to say that there must be some good reason for your taking such an interest…. But who are you, young man? I see you are a stranger, but who are you? Oh, dear, I don’t know what I am saying!»
«Ugh, leave off, please!» the young man interrupted, as though he were considering something.
«But I will tell you all about it. You think, perhaps, that I will not tell you. That I feel resentment against you. Oh, no! Here is my hand. I am only feeling depressed, nothing more. But for God’s sake, first tell me how you came here yourself? Through what chance? As for me, I feel no ill-will; no, indeed, I feel no ill-will, here is my hand. I have made it rather dirty, it is so dusty here; but that’s nothing, when the feeling is true.»
«Ugh, get away with your hand! There is no room to turn, and he keeps thrusting his hand on me!»
«But, my dear sir, but you treat me, if you will allow me to say so, as though I were an old shoe,» said Ivan Andreyitch in a rush of the meekest despair, in a voice full of entreaty. «Treat me a little more civilly, just a little more civilly, and I will tell you all about it! We might be friends; I am quite ready to ask you home to dinner. We can’t lie side by side like this, I tell you plainly. You are in error, young man, you do not know….»
«When was it he met her?» the young man muttered, evidently in violent emotion. «Perhaps she is expecting me now…. I’ll certainly get away from here!»
«She? Who is she? My God, of whom are you speaking, young man? You imagine that upstairs…. My God, my God! Why am I punished like this?»
Ivan Andreyitch tried to turn on his back in his despair.
«Why do you want to know who she is? Oh, the devil whether it was she or not, I will get out.»
«My dear sir! What are you thinking about? What will become of me?» whispered Ivan Andreyitch, clutching at the tails of his neighbour’s dress coat in his despair.
«Well, what’s that to me? You can stop here by yourself. And if you won’t, I’ll tell them that you are my uncle, who has squandered all his property, so that the old gentleman won’t think that I am his wife’s lover.»
«But that is utterly impossible, young man; it’s unnatural I should be your uncle. Nobody would believe you. Why, a baby wouldn’t believe it,» Ivan Andreyitch whispered in despair.
«Well, don’t babble then, but lie as flat as a pancake! Most likely you will stay the night here and get out somehow to-morrow; no one will notice you. If one creeps out, it is not likely they would think there was another one here. There might as well be a dozen. Though you are as good as a dozen by yourself. Move a little, or I’ll get out.»
«You wound me, young man…. What if I have a fit of coughing? One has to think of everything.»
«Hush!»
«What’s that? I fancy I hear something going on upstairs again,» said the old gentleman, who seemed to have had a nap in the interval.
«Upstairs?»
«Do you hear, young man? I shall get out.»
«Well, I hear.»
«My goodness! Young man, I am going.»
«Oh, well, I am not, then! I don’t care. If there is an upset I don’t mind! But do you know what I suspect? I believe you are an injured husband—so there.»
«Good heavens, what cynicism!… Can you possibly suspect that? Why a husband?… I am not married.»
«Not married? Fiddlesticks!»
«I may be a lover myself!»
«A nice lover.»
«My dear sir, my dear sir! Oh, very well, I will tell you the whole story. Listen to my desperate story. It is not I—I am not married. I am a bachelor like you. It is my friend, a companion of my youth…. I am a lover…. He told me that he was an unhappy man. ‘I am drinking the cup of bitterness,’ he said; ‘I suspect my wife.’ ‘Well,’ I said to him reasonably, ‘why do you suspect her?’… But you are not listening to me. Listen, listen! ‘Jealousy is ridiculous,’ I said to him; ‘jealousy is a vice!’… ‘No,’ he said; ‘I am an unhappy man! I am drinking … that is, I suspect my wife.’ ‘You are my friend,’ I said; ‘you are the companion of my tender youth. Together we culled the flowers of happiness, together we rolled in featherbeds of pleasure.’ My goodness, I don’t know what I am saying. You keep laughing, young man. You’ll drive me crazy.»
«But you are crazy now….»
«There, I knew you would say that … when I talked of being crazy. Laugh away, laugh away, young man. I did the same in my day; I, too, went astray! Ah, I shall have inflammation of the brain!»
«What is it, my love? I thought I heard some one sneeze,» the old man chanted. «Was that you sneezed, my love?»
«Oh, goodness!» said his wife.
«Tch!» sounded from under the bed.
«They must be making a noise upstairs,» said his wife, alarmed, for there certainly was a noise under the bed.
«Yes, upstairs!» said the husband. «Upstairs, I told you just now, I met a … khee-khee … that I met a young swell with moustaches—oh, dear, my spine!—a young swell with moustaches.»
«With moustaches! My goodness, that must have been you,» whispered Ivan Andreyitch.
«Merciful heavens, what a man! Why, I am here, lying here with you! How could he have met me? But don’t take hold of my face.»
«My goodness, I shall faint in a minute.»
There certainly was a loud noise overhead at this moment.
«What can be happening there?» whispered the young man.
«My dear sir! I am in alarm, I am in terror, help me.»
«Hush!»
«There really is a noise, my love; there’s a regular hubbub. And just over your bedroom, too. Hadn’t I better send up to inquire?»
«Well, what will you think of next?»
«Oh, well, I won’t; but really, how cross you are to-day!…»
«Oh, dear, you had better go to bed.»
«Liza, you don’t love me at all.»
«Oh, yes, I do! For goodness’ sake, I am so tired.»
«Well, well; I am going!»
«Oh, no, no; don’t go!» cried his wife; «or, no, better go!»
«Why, what is the matter with you! One minute I am to go, and the next I’m not! Khee-khee! It really is bedtime, khee-khee! The Panafidins’ little girl … khee-khee … their little girl … khee … I saw their little girl’s Nuremburg doll … khee-khee….»
«Well, now it’s dolls!»
«Khee-khee … a pretty doll … khee-khee.»
«He is saying good-bye,» said the young man; «he is going, and we can get away at once. Do you hear? You can rejoice!»
«Oh, God grant it!»
«It’s a lesson to you….»
«Young man, a lesson for what!… I feel it … but you are young, you cannot teach me.»
«I will, though…. Listen.»
«Oh, dear, I am going to sneeze!…»
«Hush, if you dare.»
«But what can I do, there is such a smell of mice here; I can’t help it. Take my handkerchief cut of my pocket; I can’t stir…. Oh, my God, my God, why am I so punished?»
«Here’s your handkerchief! I will tell you what you are punished for. You are jealous. Goodness knows on what grounds, you rush about like a madman, burst into other people’s flats, create a disturbance….»
«Young man, I have not created a disturbance.»
«Hush!»
«Young man, you can’t lecture to me about morals, I am more moral than you.»
«Hush!»
«Oh, my God—oh, my God!»
«You create a disturbance, you frighten a young lady, a timid woman who does not know what to do for terror, and perhaps will be ill; you disturb a venerable old man suffering from a complaint and who needs repose above everything—and all this what for? Because you imagine some nonsense which sets you running all over the neighbourhood! Do you understand what a horrid position you are in now?»
«I do very well, sir! I feel it, but you have not the right….»
«Hold your tongue! What has right got to do with it? Do you understand that this may have a tragic ending? Do you understand that the old man, who is fond of his wife, may go out of his mind when he sees you creep out from under the bed? But no, you are incapable of causing a tragedy! When you crawl out, I expect every one who looks at you will laugh. I should like to see you in the light; you must look very funny.»
«And you. You must be funny, too, in that case. I should like to have a look at you too.»
«I dare say you would!»
«You must carry
