«Ah! you are talking about morals, how do you know why I’m here? I am here by mistake, I made a mistake in the storey. And the deuce knows why they let me in, I suppose she must have been expecting some one (not you, of course). I hid under the bed when I heard your stupid footsteps, when I saw the lady was frightened. Besides, it was dark. And why should I justify myself to you. You are a ridiculous, jealous old man, sir. Do you know why I don’t crawl out? Perhaps you imagine I am afraid to come out? No, sir, I should have come out long ago, but I stay here from compassion for you. Why, what would you be taken for, if I were not here? You’d stand facing them, like a post, you know you wouldn’t know what to do….»
«Why like that object? Couldn’t you find anything else to compare me with, young man? Why shouldn’t I know what to do? I should know what to do.»
«Oh, my goodness, how that wretched dog keeps barking!»
«Hush! Oh, it really is…. That’s because you keep jabbering. You’ve waked the dog, now there will be trouble.»
The lady’s dog, who had till then been sleeping on a pillow in the corner, suddenly awoke, sniffed strangers and rushed under the bed with a loud bark.
«Oh, my God, what a stupid dog!» whispered Ivan Andreyitch; «it will get us all into trouble. Here’s another affliction!»
«Oh, well, you are such a coward, that it may well be so.»
«Ami, Ami, come here,» cried the lady; «ici, ici.» But the dog, without heeding her, made straight for Ivan Andreyitch.
«Why is it Amishka keeps barking?» said the old gentleman. «There must be mice or the cat under there. I seem to hear a sneezing … and pussy had a cold this morning.»
«Lie still,» whispered the young man. «Don’t twist about! Perhaps it will leave off.»
«Sir, let go of my hands, sir! Why are you holding them?»
«Hush! Be quiet!»
«But mercy on us, young man, it will bite my nose. Do you want me to lose my nose?»
A struggle followed, and Ivan Andreyitch got his hands free. The dog broke into volleys of barking. Suddenly it ceased barking and gave a yelp.
«Aïe!» cried the lady.
«Monster! what are you doing?» cried the young man. «You will be the ruin of us both! Why are you holding it? Good heavens, he is strangling it! Let it go! Monster! You know nothing of the heart of women if you can do that! She will betray us both if you strangle the dog.»
But by now Ivan Andreyitch could hear nothing. He had succeeded in catching the dog, and in a paroxysm of self-preservation had squeezed its throat. The dog yelled and gave up the ghost.
«We are lost!» whispered the young man.
«Amishka! Amishka,» cried the lady. «My God, what are they doing with my Amishka? Amishka! Amishka! Ici! Oh, the monsters! Barbarians! Oh, dear, I feel giddy!»
«What is it, what is it?» cried the old gentleman, jumping up from his easy chair. «What is the matter with you, my darling? Amishka! here, Amishka! Amishka! Amishka!» cried the old gentleman, snapping with his fingers and clicking with his tongue, and calling Amishka from under the bed. «Amishka, ici, ici. The cat cannot have eaten him. The cat wants a thrashing, my love, he hasn’t had a beating for a whole month, the rogue. What do you think? I’ll talk to Praskovya Zaharyevna. But, my goodness, what is the matter, my love? Oh, how white you are! Oh, oh, servants, servants!» and the old gentleman ran about the room.
«Villains! Monsters!» cried the lady, sinking on the sofa.
«Who, who, who?» cried the old gentleman.
«There are people there, strangers, there under the bed! Oh, my God, Amishka, Amishka, what have they done to you?»
«Good heavens, what people? Amishka…. Servants, servants, come here! Who is there, who is there?» cried the old gentleman, snatching up a candle and bending down under the bed. «Who is there?»
Ivan Andreyitch was lying more dead than alive beside the breathless corpse of Amishka, but the young man was watching every movement of the old gentleman. All at once the old gentleman went to the other side of the bed by the wall and bent down. In a flash the young man crept out from under the bed and took to his heels, while the husband was looking for his visitors on the other side.
«Good gracious!» exclaimed the lady, staring at the young man. «Who are you? Why, I thought….»
«That monster’s still there,» whispered the young man. «He is guilty of Amishka’s death!»
«Aïe!» shrieked the lady, but the young man had already vanished from the room.
«Aïe! There is some one here. Here are somebody’s boots!» cried the husband, catching Ivan Andreyitch by the leg.
«Murderer, murderer!» cried the lady. «Oh, Ami! Ami!»
«Come out, come out!» cried the old gentleman, stamping on the carpet with both feet; «come out. Who are you? Tell me who you are! Good gracious, what a queer person!»
«Why, it’s robbers!…»
«For God’s sake, for God’s sake,» cried Ivan Andreyitch creeping out, «for God’s sake, your Excellency, don’t call the servants! Your Excellency, don’t call any one. It is quite unnecessary. You can’t kick me out!… I am not that sort of person. I am a different case. Your Excellency, it has all been due to a mistake! I’ll explain directly, your Excellency,» exclaimed Ivan Andreyitch, sobbing and gasping. «It’s all my wife that is not my wife, but somebody else’s wife. I am not married, I am only…. It’s my comrade, a friend of youthful days.»
«What friend of youthful days?» cried the old gentleman, stamping. «You are a thief, you have come to steal … and not a friend of youthful days.»
«No, I am not a thief, your Excellency; I am really a friend of youthful days…. I have only blundered by accident, I came into the wrong place.»
«Yes, sir, yes; I see from what place you’ve crawled out.»
«Your Excellency! I am not that sort of man. You are mistaken. I tell you, you are cruelly mistaken, your Excellency. Only glance at me, look at me, and by signs and tokens you will see that I can’t be a thief. Your Excellency! Your Excellency!» cried Ivan Andreyitch, folding his hands and appealing to the young lady. «You are a lady, you will understand me…. It was I who killed Amishka…. But it was not my fault…. It was really not my fault…. It was all my wife’s fault. I am an unhappy man, I am drinking the cup of bitterness!»
«But really, what has it to do with me that you are drinking the cup of bitterness? Perhaps it’s not the only cup you’ve drunk. It seems so, to judge from your condition. But how did you come here, sir?» cried the old gentleman, quivering with excitement, though he certainly was convinced by certain signs and tokens that Ivan Andreyitch could not be a thief. «I ask you: how did you come here? You break in like a robber….»
«Not a robber, your Excellency. I simply came to the wrong place; I am really not a robber! It is all because I was jealous. I will tell you all about it, your Excellency, I will confess it all frankly, as I would to my own father; for at your venerable age I might take you for a father.»
«What do you mean by venerable age?»
«Your Excellency! Perhaps I have offended you? Of course such a young lady … and your age … it is a pleasant sight, your Excellency, it really is a pleasant sight such a union … in the prime of life…. But don’t call the servants, for God’s sake, don’t call the servants … servants would only laugh…. I know them … that is, I don’t mean that I am only acquainted with footmen, I have a footman of my own, your Excellency, and they are always laughing … the asses! Your Highness … I believe I am not mistaken, I am addressing a prince….»
«No, I am not a prince, sir, I am an independent gentleman…. Please do not flatter me with your ‘Highness.’ How did you get here, sir? How did you get here?»
«Your Highness, that is, your Excellency…. Excuse me, I thought that you were your Highness. I looked … I imagined … it does happen. You are so like Prince Korotkouhov whom I have had the honour of meeting at my friend Mr. Pusyrev’s…. You see, I am acquainted with princes, too, I have met princes, too, at the houses of my friends; you cannot take me for what you take me for. I am not a thief. Your Excellency, don’t call the servants; what will be the good of it if you do call them?»
«But how did you come here?» cried the lady. «Who are you?»
«Yes, who are you?» the husband chimed in. «And, my love, I thought it was pussy under the bed sneezing. And it was he. Ah, you vagabond! Who are you? Tell me!»
And the old gentleman stamped on the carpet again.
«I cannot speak, your Excellency, I am waiting till you are finished, I am enjoying your witty jokes. As regards me, it is an absurd story, your Excellency; I will tell you all about it. It can all be explained without more ado, that is, I mean, don’t call the servants, your Excellency! Treat me in a gentlemanly way…. It means nothing that I was under the bed, I have not sacrificed my dignity by that.
