«But how about Ivan Matveitch?» I put in, after letting the old man babble on.
Timofey Semyonitch was sometimes fond of talking and showing that he was not behind the times, but knew all about things.
«How about Ivan Matveitch? Why, I am coming to that. Here we are, anxious to bring foreign capital into the country—and only consider: as soon as the capital of a foreigner, who has been attracted to Petersburg, has been doubled through Ivan Matveitch, instead of protecting the foreign capitalist, we are proposing to rip open the belly of his original capital—the crocodile. Is it consistent? To my mind, Ivan Matveitch, as the true son of his fatherland, ought to rejoice and to be proud that through him the value of a foreign crocodile has been doubled and possibly even trebled. That’s just what is wanted to attract capital. If one man succeeds, mind you, another will come with a crocodile, and a third will bring two or three of them at once, and capital will grow up about them—there you have a bourgeoisie. It must be encouraged.»
«Upon my word, Timofey Semyonitch!» I cried, «you are demanding almost supernatural self-sacrifice from poor Ivan Matveitch.»
«I demand nothing, and I beg you, before everything—as I have said already—to remember that I am not a person in authority and so cannot demand anything of any one. I am speaking as a son of the fatherland, that is, not as the Son of the Fatherland, but as a son of the fatherland. Again, what possessed him to get into the crocodile? A respectable man, a man of good grade in the service, lawfully married—and then to behave like that! Is it consistent?»
«But it was an accident.»
«Who knows? And where is the money to compensate the owner to come from?»
«Perhaps out of his salary, Timofey Semyonitch?»
«Would that be enough?»
«No, it wouldn’t, Timofey Semyonitch,» I answered sadly. «The proprietor was at first alarmed that the crocodile would burst, but as soon as he was sure that it was all right, he began to bluster and was delighted to think that he could double the charge for entry.»
«Treble and quadruple perhaps! The public will simply stampede the place now, and crocodile owners are smart people. Besides, it’s not Lent yet, and people are keen on diversions, and so I say again, the great thing is that Ivan Matveitch should preserve his incognito, don’t let him be in a hurry. Let everybody know, perhaps, that he is in the crocodile, but don’t let them be officially informed of it. Ivan Matveitch is in particularly favourable circumstances for that, for he is reckoned to be abroad. It will be said he is in the crocodile, and we will refuse to believe it. That is how it can be managed. The great thing is that he should wait; and why should he be in a hurry?»
«Well, but if …»
«Don’t worry, he has a good constitution….»
«Well, and afterwards, when he has waited?»
«Well, I won’t conceal from you that the case is exceptional in the highest degree. One doesn’t know what to think of it, and the worst of it is there is no precedent. If we had a precedent we might have something to go by. But as it is, what is one to say? It will certainly take time to settle it.»
A happy thought flashed upon my mind.
«Cannot we arrange,» I said, «that if he is destined to remain in the entrails of the monster and it is the will of Providence that he should remain alive, that he should send in a petition to be reckoned as still serving?»
«Hm!… Possibly as on leave and without salary….»
«But couldn’t it be with salary?»
«On what grounds?»
«As sent on a special commission.»
«What commission and where?»
«Why, into the entrails, the entrails of the crocodile…. So to speak, for exploration, for investigation of the facts on the spot. It would, of course, be a novelty, but that is progressive and would at the same time show zeal for enlightenment.»
Timofey Semyonitch thought a little.
«To send a special official,» he said at last, «to the inside of a crocodile to conduct a special inquiry is, in my personal opinion, an absurdity. It is not in the regulations. And what sort of special inquiry could there be there?»
«The scientific study of nature on the spot, in the living subject. The natural sciences are all the fashion nowadays, botany…. He could live there and report his observations…. For instance, concerning digestion or simply habits. For the sake of accumulating facts.»
«You mean as statistics. Well, I am no great authority on that subject, indeed I am no philosopher at all. You say ‘facts’—we are overwhelmed with facts as it is, and don’t know what to do with them. Besides, statistics are a danger.»
«In what way?»
«They are a danger. Moreover, you will admit he will report facts, so to speak, lying like a log. And, can one do one’s official duties lying like a log? That would be another novelty and a dangerous one; and again, there is no precedent for it. If we had any sort of precedent for it, then, to my thinking, he might have been given the job.»
«But no live crocodiles have been brought over hitherto, Timofey Semyonitch.»
«Hm … yes,» he reflected again. «Your objection is a just one, if you like, and might indeed serve as a ground for carrying the matter further; but consider again, that if with the arrival of living crocodiles government clerks begin to disappear, and then on the ground that they are warm and comfortable there, expect to receive the official sanction for their position, and then take their ease there … you must admit it would be a bad example. We should have every one trying to go the same way to get a salary for nothing.»
«Do your best for him, Timofey Semyonitch. By the way, Ivan Matveitch asked me to give you seven roubles he had lost to you at cards.»
«Ah, he lost that the other day at Nikifor Nikiforitch’s. I remember. And how gay and amusing he was—and now!»
The old man was genuinely touched.
«Intercede for him, Timofey Semyonitch!»
«I will do my best. I will speak in my own name, as a private person, as though I were asking for information. And meanwhile, you find out indirectly, unofficially, how much would the proprietor consent to take for his crocodile?»
Timofey Semyonitch was visibly more friendly.
«Certainly,» I answered. «And I will come back to you at once to report.»
«And his wife … is she alone now? Is she depressed?»
«You should call on her, Timofey Semyonitch.»
«I will. I thought of doing so before; it’s a good opportunity…. And what on earth possessed him to go and look at the crocodile? Though, indeed, I should like to see it myself.»
«Go and see the poor fellow, Timofey Semyonitch.»
«I will. Of course, I don’t want to raise his hopes by doing so. I shall go as a private person…. Well, good-bye, I am going to Nikifor Nikiforitch’s again: shall you be there?»
«No, I am going to see the poor prisoner.»
«Yes, now he is a prisoner!… Ah, that’s what comes of thoughtlessness!»
I said good-bye to the old man. Ideas of all kinds were straying through my mind. A good-natured and most honest man, Timofey Semyonitch, yet, as I left him, I felt pleased at the thought that he had celebrated his fiftieth year of service, and that Timofey Semyonitchs are now a rarity among us. I flew at once, of course, to the Arcade to tell poor Ivan Matveitch all the news. And, indeed, I was moved by curiosity to know how he was getting on in the crocodile and how it was possible to live in a crocodile. And, indeed, was it possible to live in a crocodile at all? At times it really seemed to me as though it were all an outlandish, monstrous dream, especially as an outlandish monster was the chief figure in it.
III
And yet it was not a dream, but actual, indubitable fact. Should I be telling the story if it were not? But to continue.
It was late, about nine o’clock, before I reached the Arcade, and I had to go into the crocodile room by the back entrance, for the German had closed the shop earlier than usual that evening. Now in the seclusion of domesticity he was walking about in a greasy old frock-coat, but he seemed three times as pleased as he had been in the morning. It was evidently that he had no apprehensions now, and that the public had been coming «many more.» The Mutter came out later, evidently to keep an eye on me. The German and the Mutter frequently whispered together. Although the shop was closed he charged me a quarter-rouble! What unnecessary exactitude!
«You will every time pay; the public will one rouble, and you one quarter pay; for you are the good friend of your good friend; and I a friend respect….»
«Are you alive, are you alive, my cultured friend?» I cried, as I approached the crocodile, expecting my words to reach Ivan Matveitch from a distance and to flatter his vanity.
«Alive and well,» he answered, as though from a
