The Prophecy
General The End of the world! Why, they can’t retire me for five years yet.
Dada The end of the world is due in the eleventh month of the administration of my son Jerry by my second wife. (there is a moment of stunned silence)
Charlotte Well, if you ask me I think it’s perfectly morbid!
Jerry Look-at-here, Dada, are you serious about this?
Doris (utterly convinced and regarding DADA as a major prophet) What would he buy up all those coffins for if he wasn’t serious?
Fish That’s true. (HE looks up at the sky and EVERYONE follows his gaze, rather expecting to see a cloud of glory)
Jerry Well, I’ve read the evening paper and I didn’t see anything about it.
Dada I’ve been working in the dark.
Doris (fascinated) Do you mean you’re going to blow up the world?
Dada The world is coming to an end. The last judgment is at hand. Gabriel’s Trump will blow one week from today just at this hour.
Fish What’s a trump?
Doris It’s something like a trombon only not so good.
Dada The——?
General (very depressed) Are you sure it didn’t say anything about a war?
Doris (loudly) You sure you’ve got the right day?
Dada Yes. I’ve got the right day. I’ve been working on it for twenty years and finally I calculated it by the second letter in the third word of every fourth verse of Isaiah. It gave me Spudmutton, the middle name of my son Jerry by my second wife, and the date and the hour.
Jerry (convinced) That’s my middle name all right.
Doris (awed) Just think — it’s in the Bible.
General Well, how about this State of Idaho business?
Doris (to her new prophet) How about it Dada?
Dada I’ve never been there.
Charlotte Well, I’m going to cancel all my dentist appointments.
Jerry (jocularly to THE COMPANY at large) Did you ever hear the story of the two Jews in this wreck—?
Charlotte This is a fine time to tell stories.
Jerry Well, it wont hurt anything to tell a story. (HE resumes) Well, there were two Jews —— (NO ONE is paying any attention to him)
Fish (to DADA) You’ve got an absolutely straight tip on this, have you?
Jerry (trying unsuccessfully — to attract the attention of first one person and then another)—and one of them says, “Now that the boat’s going down, here’s that——”
Charlotte That’s just like you. At a time like this to tell dirty stories.
Jerry It isn’t a dirty story. It’s just as clean as it can be.’
Doris (such beautiful patience) Well, hurry up and get it over then.
Jerry (the heart taken out of him) Well, he said “Here’s that two dollars I owe you—Isaac.”
Charlotte (tersely) Go on.
Jerry That’s all there is to it.
Doris Well, it isn’t very funny.
Jerry (indignantly) Well, you didn’t listen to the first part of it. You can’t hear half a joke and think it’s funny. I just said it was appropriate — that’s the only reason I told it at all.
Dada (who misses the Centre of the stage) This is no time for jokes.
Doris (his warmest supporter) I should say it isn’t, Dada.
Charlotte You’re perfectly right! (THEY ALL look witheringly at JERRY)
Jerry Oh, let me alone. I guess I can tell a joke when I want to.
Dada (sententiously) The President should be warning the people.
Doris I’m going to telephone some friends. (WARWICK goes to the radio broadcaster)
Dada I have been trying to think of some way to distribute the coffins.
Fish Have everybody call for theirs, why don’t you?
Charlotte (dabbing her eyes with her handkerchief) I don’t want the world to come to an end.
Dada (indignantly) It’s a good thing that it should.
Warwick (talking into the radio) The President wishes to make an announcement to the nation of the greatest significance. All sending stations are to cease broadcasting and give their attention to———(HE continues to speak)
Dada I have provided coffins for a hundred and ninety-two million people.
Fish (enthusiastically) This’ll knock the roof off the coffin market.
Warwick (turning around) We’re all ready, Mr. President. I have you connected with thirty-seven big cities, and stations all over the country are listening in. (JERRY mops a glistening brow)
[Doris (in rapture) This is the feature moment of my life. Cecil B. De Mille would shoot it with ten cameras. (JERRY goes nervously to the radio)]
Doris I’ve got to telephone to some people. (SHE hurries into the White House)
General I’ll break it to the standing army. (HE hurries off, followed at a run by his escort who, for once, are not playing)
Jerry (to the radio) Ladies and gentlemen—
Charlotte Couldn’t you be a little more pious?
Jerry (to the radio) Couldn’t you be a little more pious?
Dada (excitedly) That’s right! Don’t forget to tell them how I worked in the dark.
Jerry (still facing the radio) Keep still!
Fish First tell them about the coffin market. (DORIS appears in the window of JERRY’S office with the telephone in her hand)
Doris Central, give me Midway 3125.
Jerry (becoming more and more nervous) Dada, my father — we call him Dada — his name is Horatio Frost — while — while glancing through —
Doris (sticking her head out the window) Where’s the telephone director?
Jerry (into the radio) The telephone directory —
Dada (wildly) No! No! No!
Jerry (into the radio) No!
Charlotte The Bible.
Jerry — the Bible, discovered—
Charlotte (sarcastically) Better tell them that joke.
Jerry There were once two Jews——
Charlotte Stop him!
Jerry (turning around) I thought you said to tell it.
Fish Go on and say something with some sense to it.
Warwick Talk louder, sir.
Fish Sing something. (Charlotte grows impatient and leaning over his shoulders shouts into the radio:
Charlotte The world’s coming to an end!
Jerry (louder and into the radio) That’s what I was trying to say! The world’s coming to an end and——
Fish (at the ticker) My God! The ticker’s busted! Coffins have hit the sky!
Dada (piously) Have been carried to the sky.
Doris (into the telephone) My dear, don’t breathe it to a word—I mean to a soul. The most hectic thing has happened. Absolutely, my dear. I’m on the point of convulsions——(amid Doris’ explanations, JERRY’S nervous shoutings, CHARLOTTE’S prompting and PAPA’S passionate adjurations to tell them how HE worked in the dark
—THE CURTAIN DESCENDS —
The End Of The World
[Act II Scene II]
[SCENE:] Still the lawn of the White House, but one week later — to the hour, four o’clock. Between the radio and the gate a wooden scaffolding has been erected. It is about the height of the garden wall and is evidently to be used as an observation platform, for a ladder makes it accessible from the ground.
All serene in the sunshine. Through the gate a policeman can be seen marching up and down on guard.
The silence is suddenly shattered by the appearance of the Hon. Snooks who bursts out through the swinging doors of the White House. The HON. SNOOKS is in a state of considerable agitation and is hotly pursued by WARWICK)
Warwick He’s not here — don’t you believe me?
Snooks (suspiciously) Where is he then?
Warwick He’s saying goodbye to his cabinet. You ought to have better sense than to come around on a day like this when the whole world is sitting and waiting for destruction.
Snooks Well, I’m going to wait out here. (HE sits down. MR. WARWICK glares at him indignantly, and then, taking a slip of paper from his pocket, goes to the radio)
Warwick (at the radio) Four o’clock bulletin. All quiet at the Capitol. Horatio Frost, Secretary of the Treasury, now known as the “coffin hero”, conducts open air services in Washington Park. Weather — (HE inspects the firmament)—fair. (JERRY comes in through the gate. HE is now dressed in pitch black clothes and carries a book—— presumably a Bible ——under his arm. His eye falls with distaste upon the HON. SNOOKS, who RISES to meet him)
Jerry (in a hushed voice) Hello, Mr. Snooks.
Snooks Say, what’s the idea of all this bunk about the end of the world?
Jerry (reverently) Don’t talk so loud. (looking at his watch) It’s due in exactly thirty-five minutes.
Warwick (showing JERRY a slip of paper) Does the President want me to send this bulletin you made up?
Jerry All right. Send anything that you can think of.
Warwick (at the radio) The President and his family will await the end of the world on the White House Lawn, engaged in prayer and — (HE finds difficulty in deciphering a word) — and recreation.
Jerry (correcting him) Meditation!
Warwick (at the radio) Meditation!
Snooks (indignantly) What’s ee idea? Is this a frame-up to beat the nation of Irish Poland outa their rights?
Jerry What rights?
Snooks The State of Idaho — that’s their rights. You goin’ to get the Buzzard Islands ain’t you?]
Jerry Listen, Mr. Snooks, what you ought to be thinking over is more serious things. This is supposed to be sort of like Sunday — (and HE adds, without humor) — only worse.
Snooks There ain’t nothin’ more serious to me than gettin’ hold of the State of Idaho like you and me agreed I was goin’ to do. Just because it’s ee end of the worl’ for youse guys, that don’t mean nothin’ to me.
Jerry (sternly) Dada’s going to have the end of the world for everybody. (faint cheering outside / JERRY glances at the sky.)
Snooks (almost whining) Suppose this big clean-up don’t come off, you ain’t goin’ to go back on your bargain, are you, Pres.? (a long burst of cheering outside the wall. DADA comes in through the gate at a triumphant tottering strut)
Dada (jubilantly) [Hooray!
