Jerry (to SNOOKS) This is my father, the coffin hero.
Dada (faintly acknowledging the introduction) Hm. They were fainting so fast that they didn’t even stop to carry them out. It was inspiring. Oh, this is a great day for me!
Jerry (proudly to SNOOKS) He found out the whole thing, you know.
Snooks If it wasn’t for that old goat I’d of got the State of Idaho like we agreed to.
Dada I spoke for three hours. Oh, it was wonderful. (SNOOKS starts off)
Jerry Where you going? Don’t you want to hear about what Dada did?
Snooks No, I rather go get nailed down in my coffin. All I got to say—is if this ain’t a straight tip he’s got, you better kiss the State of Idaho goodbye. (HE goes out through the gate)
Dada The only thing that worries me is to whether everybody’s got a coffin. Except for that I’m happy as a lark.
Jerry Have you worked out a plan?
Dada I think they should all sit in their coffins, but I’m not sure. If it wasn’t so late I could look it up in Isaiah.
Jerry It’s after four.
Dada (enthusiastically) Half an hour more. (HE slaps JERRY on the back) [Hooray! In at the finish!] (JOSEPH FISH comes in at the gate)
Fish (anxiously) Hello, where’s Doris?
Dada Did you hear my speech? I spoke for two hours and over five hundred people fainted. There were fifty thousand people there. It’s a great day for us all, eh? [ (HE tries to slap FISH on the back, but FISH steps out of the way and DADA loses his balance and falls to the ground. JERRY AND FISH pick him up)
Jerry (with suspicion) Dada, have you been drinking?]
Dada [Just a little bit. Just enough to fortify me. I never drank before today, but] I had to speak to a hundred thousand people. So I had just a drop. I spoke for three hours and all but five hundred people fainted. I almost fainted myself, I was so——
Fish (gloomily) I don’t see what you’re so happy about.
Dada You don’t! Why the end of the world is coming today! In half an hour——
Fish Yes, I know all that. But this should of been my wedding day.
Dada (triumphantly) There shall be no marriage or giving in marriage.
Fish Say, Mr. Frost, if you’re trying to cheer me up I wish you wouldn’t say things like that.
Dada I’ll go and tell Charlotte about my speech. I wish my old father had been alive to hear it. He used to say to me, “Horatio——” (still declaiming, HE goes into the White House)
Jerry (profoundly) He’s a great thinker.
Fish (gloomily) I suppose so.
Jerry I always knew he was thinking about something. I never could think things out like that, could you?
Fish You going to eat supper first?
Jerry Sure. (HE hesitates) But I don’t suppose it’d be any use, do you?
Fish Well, we’d have had supper anyways.
Jerry That’s right — and it may be the last meal we’ll get for a long time.
Fish (with a sigh) I was finishing a serial in a magazine. I don’t suppose I ever will know what happened.
Jerry (reassuringly) Sure you will.
Fish Is that a fact?
Jerry Sure, you’ll know everything. I’ll know who swiped my gold-filled watch in 1909. (out comes Charlotte, also in black. The week has made a nervous wreck of her. Her eyes are red and her cheeks are only the shadows of her skull) Say, Charlit, are you going to have supper first?
Charlotte Of course not. I couldn’t eat a thing.
Fish (consoling her) You wont need anything, Mrs. Frost.
Charlotte (in a wail) I’ll be sick I know. I’m always sick when I go without food.
Jerry Maybe I better have our coffins brought up from the cellar. I forgot about it.
Charlotte I always said you’d never have a bit of sense till Judgment Day.
Jerry This is Judgment Day, Charlit.
Charlotte (plaintively) Well, you needn’t remind me of it every minute.
Jerry I didn’t remind you of it. I just mentioned it in an ordinary tone of voice.]
Fish (uneasily) It makes a person feel sort of funny, doesn’t it? I used to think that death was just a matter of coffin quality.
Charlotte What I want to know is, what’s the good of it?
Fish (with deep melancholy) This was going to have been my wedding day, Mrs. Frost. (DORIS comes in dressed in an alarming and astonishing costume, which at a first glance appears to be half a black smock and half a ballet dress)
Doris Hello, people.
Fish What’s that you got on?
Doris It’s a shroud.
Fish It looks more like a Hula costume.
Doris Well, it isn’t, Joseph. It’s a shroud. I had it made. I don’t see why a shroud should be depressing. Do you? (ready for the great journey) Well, when do we start?
Fish You’d think we were going to Europe, to hear her.
Jerry (literally) We start in — twenty minutes. [(WARWICK comes out| of the White House followed by A GENTLEMAN with musical hair. It is MR. STUTZ-MOZART)
Warwick This man says he had an appointment with Miss Doris.]
Fish (fiercely to Stutz-mozart) Are you with a garbage-disposal service?
Stutz-Mozart Mos’ cert’nly not. (to Doris) Good afternoon. I am here, as you see, by looking.
Jerry Who are you?
Stutz-Mozart I am Stutz-Mozart’s Orangoutang Band. I was tol’ to come here wiz my ban’ at five o’clock to play the high-class Jazz for Mr. Fish’s wedding. (THEY ALL look nervously at their watches)]
Fish (weakly) It’s not five o’clock.
Stutz-Mozart It is quarter to.
Doris I remember now. I did order him. It’s supposed to be the best Jazz band in the country.
Fish (to Stutz-mozart) What did you come now for? Don’t you know the world’s coming to an end at five o’clock?]
Charlotte (groping for a chair) I’m going to sit down. I’ve got something awful the matter with my knees.
Fish (with a sickly smile) Let’s all get in the house.
Doris Dada says we all ought to stay out here.
Fish How does he know so much about it?
Jerry He’s been working on it twenty years. (THEY are all sitting down now. MR. WARWICK comes out again) I’ve got sort of a stomachache.
Warwick (referring to some telegrams in his hand) The doors of the Salvation Army in Philadelphia are thronged. Thousands are saved. Associated bootleggers, second biggest industry in America, goes into the hands of a receiver. Pittsburgh officials return seven million dollars stolen from the city treasury.
Jerry See? That’s like my story about the two Jews.
Charlotte If you tell that story again I’ll scream. (FISH picks up a spy-glass from the table and regards the heavens)
Doris See anything?
Fish Not a thing.
Doris I’ll ruin my complexion sitting here without a hat.
Fish It doesn’t matter. You wont need it any more.
Doris You needn’t be so morbid.
Jerry Where’s Dada?
Charlotte Yes, where is Dada?
Warwick He’s asleep in the grand ballroom.
Jerry Somebody ought to wake him. If he woke up and found he’d missed it he’d never forgive us. (at this point DADA rushes wildly out of the house, even more rumpled than usual)
Dada Wait for me! Wait for me!… … (HE looks around, relieved to see that nothing has happened yet) I dozed off to sleep for a moment and when I awoke I thought for a moment I’d been too late. (HE picks up the spy-glass and starts to climb the scaffolding. Several times HE slips back, but finally with the assistance of FISH and WARWICK HE reaches the top — where HE turns his telescope on the heavens.) (there is a dull mutter of thunder in the distance, and from~this point onward the stage grows gradually darker)
Fish My God!
Warwick (at the radio) Five minutes of five. The Secretary of the Treasury mounts to his platform and looks at the sky with a powerful telescope. There is a sound of thunder. (HE turns to JERRY) Do you want to say anything? (JERRY shakes his head, unable to speak) (to the radio) The President is busy praying for the people. (HE goes to the garden gate and looks out) There’s a big crowd out here looking at the sky and waiting.
Doris Gosh, this is gloomy! For Heaven’s sake somebody tell a story or something.
Jerry (with a swallow) I started to tell you a story the other day and——
Charlotte She means a cheerful story. Something somebody can laugh at.
Fish What time is it?
Warwick I think a few words over the radio to Congress —
Jerry I don’t feel well enough. I’ve got a sort of stomach ache. (THEY ALL set their watches)
Fish Will Western time make any difference?
Jerry No, I think they’d go by Eastern time.
Fish It seems to me as if they would anyhow.
Jerry Eastern time’s the most important.
Fish Well, about now I suppose everybody’s looking for the Fish label. (DADA drops his telescope and throws them ALL into a panic)
Fish My God!
Jerry (to WARWICK) Say, scratch my back here, will you? (WARWICK complies) Higher——there—there—thanks.
Warwick (with a sudden burst of generosity) Will anybody have a cigarette?
Fish All right. (but HE looks at hie watch) I haven’t got time.
Doris I’m going to count five hundred by fives. Five—ten— fifteen — twenty —
Charlotte (on the verge of collapse) Don’t! I can.t stand it!
Dada (in a sing-song chant) Get your coffins ready!
Fish What price United Coffins now! (HE is hushed)
Doris Poke me if I laugh.
Warwick Half a minute to go. (dead silence falls. The sky has grown dark and the thunder rolls continuously. Upon the scaffolding DADA braces himself as if expecting a personal blow. JERRY’S mouth falls open. HE has a cigar in
