Dada (regaining his feet) The heavenly music! The heavenly music!
Doris (coming to herself with a start) No! It’s Stutz-Mozart’s Orangoutang Band! (THEY look at their watches)
Fish (hardly daring to believe the best) It’s two minutes after five;
Jerry (wildly) That’s practically impossible!
Charlotte I knew it wouldn’t happen. (there is the sound of an angry mob outside. SNOOKS comes precipitately through the garden gate. HE eyes the Presidential group with a vindicative glare)
Snooks The end of the world, eh? It’s the end of the world for Sandy Claus. You got to come across with the State of Idaho!
The Battle Of Buzzard Island
[Act II Scene III]
[SCENE:] On the Buzzard Islands, at the seat of war. We’re looking at a cross-section of the opposing trenches — and the sentry on the side of Justice can, after some inspection, be recognized as one DADA, late the Secretary of the Treasury. Things must be at a desperate pass indeed when a white beard is on duty in the front line. Those creatures with the bodies of men but the heads and beaks of horrible birds are BUZZARDS! Even with death around the corner they can be seen smoking and playing cards and, from time to time, cursing foully in their” own tongue.
The moon tells you that it’s night — in fact it’s that celebrated darkest hour which immediately precedes the dawn.
PAPA’S uniform is a mass of mud from boot to collar. HE is completely fagged out. His attitude is watchful but horribly dejected and from time to time HE gives out a low despairing noise that lies half between a groan and a sigh. There is no other sound but the hoarse chirrups from the gambling BUZZARDS and occasionally a low, portentous booming in the distance.
At length, from what seems to be a dugout in the American trench, a HUMAN VOICE breaks in upon the dismal scene)
The Voice (anxiously) Is everything all right, Dada?
Dada (gloomily) Hm. Everything but me.
The Voice Cheer up, Dada. You’re not so old as you feel.
Dada I hope not… ]
The Voice (I may as well admit it’s JERRY) How’s the enemy?
Dada They seem very well.
Jerry I’m coming up now. I’ve just about finished my digging. (JERRY emerges from the dugout. HE is, if possible, a little more muddy than DADA ——his corporal’s chevrons are almost obscured) Have you heard any clucking?
Dada (with a triumphant cackle) I think I shot one of those Buzzards in the beak awhile ago.
Jerry He’ll go without his birdseed for a couple of days, wont he, [Dada?]
Dada I’m what you’d consider a dead shot. When I was in the war of the rebellion General Sheridan used to say to me, “Horatio —”]
Jerry Did you knock his beak off?
Dada I think I managed to dent it pretty bad. But I’ve got something in my eye.
Jerry That’s too bad, Dada. Let’s see. (HE approaches DADA and pulls out a handkerchief) My last clean one. Let’s see now — close the other eye. (HE starts to remove it) Wont it close? Wont it close? Hold it shut. There, there. Wait a minute, there. All right I got it.
Dada Did you get it?
Jerry Yes, I got it.
Dada I knew I had something in there. I could feel it.
Jerry Now if you’ll just scratch this place right here—(HE turns around and offers his back to DADA. DADA scratches it with his bayonet) Thank you. No, higher. A little lower. Harder. (hastily) Not so hard! There — that’s fine. Much obliged. You better stand up there again and keep watch.
Dada (wearily) I think I’m going to have to stand up here forever.
Jerry No you’re not, Dada. You wait till you see my scheme. I got a scheme that’s one of the most original schemes that’s ever been tried. (at this point there is the sound of martial music from the rear and in marches GENERAL COHEN, followed at three paces by his inevitable fife and drum. JERRY comes to attention and presents arms. DADA on the contrary pays no heed whatsoever)
General (to DADA) Come to attention there.
Dada (engrossed in his own thoughts) Hm. (querulously) Well, you needn’t get so upset about it. I thought you were one of these Y.W.C.A. fellows. I just shot one of those Buzzards in the beak.
Jerry (confidentially to THE GENERAL) He just thinks he did, General. He’s a little near-sighted.
Dada I heard the sound of the bullet when it hit him in the beak.
Jerry He probably just hit an old tin can.
General (to JERRY) Are you in command here.
Jerry Yes, sir. [All the officers are killed.]
Dada (helpfully) He was my only boy by my second wife.
General (after glaring at DADA) Buzzards pretty quiet around here?
Jerry (sententiously) There’s only one quiet Buzzard, General, and that’s a dead Buzzard.
General That’s very good. Very original. The only quiet Blizzard is a dead Blizzard.
Jerry General, I got a scheme that’ll make them all quiet Buzzards.
General Good! Good! Forward it to your Captain.
Jerry And he can —?
General He can forward it to the Colonel.
Jerry (faintly) I see. and then he can ——
General He can forward it to me. And I’ll consider the matter at the proper official moment.
Jerry I’ve got a lot of schemes. I’ve got one scheme that’ll end this war in a week.
General It’s a good war, Corporal. I’m not sure that it’s — ah — best to end it just yet. The thing is to wea-ear ’em down. For — ah — for my part I’ve distinctly enjoyed it. (at this point a rather frightened GENTLEMAN in a frock coat comes hastily in — a gentleman easily recognizable as the prosperous MR. JOSEPH FISH. On seeing the GENERAL a look of relief passes over his face)
Fish Oh, there you are, General. I’m Mr. Fish, the coffin magnate I’ve been seeing the rear trenches and I got separated from my escort.
General These are the front line trenches.
Fish (in deadly terror) My God! Is that a fact? I think the Buzzards must have realized what a valuable coffin maggot magnate — I am to our government. They’ve been shooting cannons at me.
General I have to hurry along myself in a minute. I’m dummy in a bridge game back at headquarters.
Fish General, you’ll be glad to hear that back home we’ve ordered all stuffed Buzzards to be removed from the natural history museums. And domestic Buzzards are now fair game both in and out of season.
General (sternly) Buzzard domination would be unthinkable.]
Fish (ferociously, to JERRY) Bayonet one for me. Will you?
Jerry (taken rather aback) If I think of it, I will.
Dada (suddenly) I’ll shoot one in the beak for you. I just shot one in the beak about ten minutes ago.
Fish (still ferociously) They’re animals! They don’t respect the conventions of war.
Jerry (pointing to the front of the stage) I know. They get around there on the footlights and shoot in at us.
General Well, goodbye, Corporal, look me up after the war. (the fife and drum strike up a march and follow the GENERAL and MR. FISH from the stage)
Dada Those fellows are going to get hit with a cannon ball first thing they know… Hm, I’m tired of looking here. I wish I had a cup of coffee.
Jerry What do you want coffee for? Coffee isn’t good for you, Dada.
Dada It keeps me awake.
Jerry What do you want to stay awake for? That’s right — you got to stay awake. So’ve I. (sternly) I got to make good. (into the picture there now minces a YOUNG LADY WAR-WORKER, dressed as young lady war-workers are usually dressed ——but with a faint touch of jazz. Her name, by a remarkable coincidence, is DORIS)
Doris (heartily) Hello, Buddies. (at the sound of a voice DADA wheels suddenly around to attention and presents arms)
Doris (to JERRY) Say, honestly did you ever see such a dumbbell. (SHE looks closer) He must be going on to between seventy and eighty years old if not older.
Jerry He knows more than you give him credit for, don’t you Dada? (by this time DADA has perceived his error and turned away thinking nobody noticed)
Doris I better introduce myself. I’m one of the girls in the Smile, Grin and Laughter Service. The Smile, Grin and Laughter Service is a new thing that has just been gotten up by a lot of patriotic girls. It’s considered a very good thing.
Dada (turning around) Have you got any soup with you?
Doris No, we don’t — have any soup. Here’s a package of good old cigarettes — for the boys.
Jerry Don’t
