Doris Why?
Jerry It was always considered sort of a dirty habit when he was a man — when he was a child.
Doris (running her words together for emphasis and narrowing her eyes at DADA as if she had discovered a traitor in her midst) You mean to say you don’t think the girls in the Smiles, Grin and Laughter Service ought to bring fags out?
Dada (catching a word) Yes, I’m all fagged out.
Doris Say, honestly they oughtn’t to let people like him in this war at his age. He’s liable to do something to lose it. He’s liable to forget which side he’s on and there where would you be.
Jerry That’s all right. I keep telling him what it’s about.
Doris Well, anyhow we girls in the Smiles, Grin and Laughter Service are just like Buddies to the boys.
Jerry (resentfully) Well, you haven’t made me laugh yet.
Doris (SHE’S memorized this) A little laughter drives the battle blues away and lets the peace grins and victory laughs come in.
Dada (hungry) Did she say she had any soup?
Jerry (to DORIS) Well, go on make me laugh, if you think you’re so funny.
Doris (indignantly) I don’t think I’m funny.
Jerry Then what did you say you thought you were for.
Doris Say, don’t you understand the difference between a person that’s cheerful and a person that has a funny face or a wooden leg or something?
Jerry (interrupting argumentatively) Look here you say you’re supposed to be funny. Well — go on and be funny then.
Doris Honestly, they got some of the most disagreeable people in this war.
Jerry I’m not disagreeable. I’m not disagreeable. I just said what you said yourself. You said you belong to the—thing—whatever you belong to—
Doris Well, if I’d known that nobody knew what was the difference between cheerful and funny I would have gone in some other service.
Jerry (with great patience) Listen, I — know — the difference between funny and — whatever it was. I know all those sort of things. But what you said—
Doris (still trying to explain the distinction) Look at here. Would you think it was funny if I started to — oh, sing a funny song or something?
Jerry Well, let’s see you do it.
Doris (indignantly) Say, I don’t know any funny songs.
Jerry Then what did you say you did it? Let’s see you do it, you say you’re so darn funny.
Doris I suppose you think I ought to stand on my head. (A MAN, who is either a military policeman or a Y.M.C.A. Secretary or perhaps a little of both comes in just in time to hear DORIS’ last remark. HE bears a curious resemblance to MR. WARWICK, JERRY’S late secretary)
Warwick (To DORIS)You just try to get away with anything like that around here.
Dada Has he got any soup?
Warwick No, but I’ve got orders to keep young girls out of the trenches.
Doris Listen, I’m one of the girls in the Smile, Grin and Laughter Service. It’s a new thing that’s just been gotten up.
Jerry (helping DORIS out) They’re sort of supposed to be funny. I’ve been laughing myself sick at some joke she told me. (to DORIS) What was that joke you just told me about—about the two Jews? (HE winks at her—then HE sees that WARWICK has fixed him with a malevolent eye) This — this lodge she belongs to is supposed to be a very good thing.
Warwick My orders are that where there’s fun there’s liable to be something wrong.
Jerry Well, then this girl is a—a regular Madame de—Madame de a regular—Salome—this girl’s a regular Salome.
Warwick If I see anybody enjoying themselves I got orders to knock them out and drag them back behind the line. (here, mysteriously enough, DADA begins to dance stiffly on the fire-step and to sing in a cracked voice)
Jerry What’s the matter, Dada? (in the other trench two or three BUZZARDS are observed to be gathering about a simple catapult. To an accompaniment of cluck-clucking from farther back ANOTHER BUZZARD staggers on with an enormous egg which is placed upon the catapult. The catapult is fired and the shell—the egg, rather—RISES VERY slowly into the air, soars across No-man’s land with an increasingly piercing siren sound and lands with a loud explosion near DORIS AND JERRY. WARWICK with a frightened cry rushes from the scene) (quickly) Egg Masks! (at this command DORIS AND JERRY produce from their belts instruments which resemble lorgnettes but have nose-pieces instead of eye-glasses attached. DADA does not hear the command but after a few sniffs HE follows their example.) (When the danger is over JERRY AND DORIS lower their masks. DADA, however, keeps his on)
Doris Honestly, I’m getting to be a nervous wreck. When a girl has three fiance’s killed in a war, one after another within six months, it gets so it affects her nervous system.
Jerry I should think you’d get in some other service.
Doris Oh, I believe in cheering the boys up, all right. I think it’s a good thing.
Dada (lowering his mask cautiously) Did anybody get hit?
Jerry (looking at his watch) No, but we got to go over the top in a few minutes. (to DORIS) I got a wonderful scheme. Very original. I been digging all day.
Doris I know. You’ve been mining underneath the Buzzards.
Jerry Not unless you can talk about mining for worms.
Doris Worms.
Jerry Yeah. Worms. Two big cans of worms.
Doris You going to fish?
Jerry No. My idea is that if there’s one thing a Buzzard can’t resist it’s a worm. That’s what my scheme is. We’re going to throw over the worms before the attack.
Dada (turning around) He’s been digging worms. (sceptically) He thinks worms are going to win the war.
Jerry Don’t be such a wet blanket, Dada.
Dada A wet blanket is just exactly what I feel like.
Doris Well, I’ll say goodbye. Don’t forget — a little laughter drives the blues away and lets the peace [guns] grins and victory laughs come in. (DORIS goes out. JERRY rings a small dinner bell and the scene is immediately changed to one of activity. This is what occurs:
(Out of the dugouts crawl four or five soldiers, who brush off their clothes with whiskbrooms, take a last dab at their shoes, and clean their spectacles — in fact make all the little preparations of a soldier before going “over the top.” THE SOLDIERS are members of the last reserve— and as such are too tall, too short, too fat or too lean, but the light of fierce determination is in their eyes.)
(Who should appear next but MR. (now Band Sergeant) STUTZ-MOZART, accompanied by THREE OR FOUR MUSICIANS armed with slide trombones, saxaphones, drums and other appropriate instruments.)
(A thunder storm begins)
Jerry (addressing his men) Men — everything has now gotten into the last ditch.
The Men Hurray!
Jerry After these worms are thrown over into the Buzzard trenches we will go over ourselves and change these Buzzards into — into Birds of Paradise.
The Men Hurray!
Jerry All right! Altogether — say it with worms! (THE SOLDIERS immediately fling the great cans of worms into the BUZZARD trenches. THE BUZZARDS—there are about HALF A DOZEN OF THEM——run for the worms with great cluckings.)
SGT. STUTZ-MOZART’S Orangotang band begins to play “The Dark Town Strutters Ball” very softly — THEY increase to fortissimo as JERRY gives the order to GO OVER THE TOP.)
(The attack proceeds in this fashion. In the lead is JERRY, followed by his intrepid MEN. Twenty feet behind comes Band Sgt. STUTZ-MOZART with his Orangatang band. The orangotang band proceeds in Jazz formation, THE MEMBERS stepping through the Chicago, shaking their shoulders, playing catch with the drumsticks and using the wind instruments for pipes of pan.)
(THE BUZZARDS, engrossed in the worms and taken by surprise, retreat backward off the stage with a shrill uproar, followed closely by JERRY AND HIS TROOPS. For a moment the stage is deserted — then there is the cheering sound of a fife and drum and GENERAL COHEN marches on and proceeds jauntily in the wake of the conflict.)
(It might be supposed here that we are to see no more of the battle but there is no such disappointment in store. In fact THE BUZZARDS have apparently been driven completely around the backdrop for presently THEY appear on the American side and retreat across the stage as before, pausing only to face to the rear and fire. TWO of them fall dead.)
(The next phenomenon is the appearance of DADA in the wake of the BUZZARDS. He has become a little confused as to sides — in fact one might suppose him to be the BUZZARDS’ rear guard, for from time to time HE faces around and fires in the direction of the pursuing American forces.)
(The American forces appear again—JERRY is in the lead, shouting “Dada, Dada: No: No: Dada,” and MR. STUTZ-MOZART and HIS BAND follow.)
(On reaching their own trench again, the surviving BUZZARDS throw up their hands shouting “Birds of a Feather!” which, as everyone knows, is the Buzzard term of submission.)
(The victory is now won — and GENERAL COHEN with his fife and drum arrives just as THE TROOPS are acclaiming JERRY, who stands on top of No-man’s land trying to look modest and unconcerned)
Stutz-Mozart (enthusiastically) Hooray! Victory! Hurray for Frost!
The Soldiers Hurray! Hurray!
Jerry (modestly) It wasn’t so much me that won the war as it was the worms! (a commotion in the crowd. A SOLDIER pushes his way through)
The Soldier (saluting) We have captured a dangerous looking prisoner, sir. (THE PRISONER is brought in with his hands tied behind his back and a great cloth over his face. When
