General Cohen Corporal Frost, you’ve made good. Your place is in the White House.
Jerry I’ve tried to make good. I knew I had it in me.
All Hooray! Strike up the band! Frost for re-election! (THE BAND begins to play and there is a gorgeous and patriotic tableau with the modest JERRY in the Center.) (Then suddenly there ENTERS a discordant note. A diminutive taxi-cab has driven on to the American side of the stage. It contains TWO PEOPLE, A MAN AND A WOMAN—otherwise JOSEPH FISH and our old friend CHARLOTTE. The taxi-cab bears a sign which reads “Battlefield Tours.” CHARLOTTE is wearing the traditional blue veil of the tourist while FISH carries a map and has a pair of enormous field glasses slung at his side.) (As if perceiving the inappropriateness of this apparition the sound of the victory music dies away and the heads of the late COMBATANTS turn toward THE TOURISTS who have disembarked from the taxi-cab and are inspecting the American trench)
Charlotte (arranging her veil) What’s this?
Fish This is the—this is the—this is where they had some battle or something.
Charlotte (staring around in disapproval) Hm! Looks it! (SHE sniffs) Nitro-glycerine—I can smell that stuff up here. (at this remark JERRY, across the stage, is seen to start) Say, did you ever see such hotels as they’ve got on these Buzzard Islands?
Fish They’re robbers.
Charlotte That’s what they are. Robbers—they’re robbers. (THEIR VOICES die away as THEY become involved in sympathethic agreement)
Jerry (to the SOLDIERS) I wish to state that I’ve changed my mind completely around. I don’t want to be President. I wouldn’t take it if I was elected to it in a golden plate.
General Cohen What do you want then, Corporal?
Jerry (confidentially) Well, then I just don’t want to be always picked on all the time.
General Hm! I don’t know whether I can manage that!
Jerry (in a pleading voice, after a glance over at CHARLOTTE) Everybody’s always picking on me all the time. I just want to do what I want. (passionately) I just want to be left alone. Will you try to fix it? Will you try to fix it?
All Yes! Yes! (amid cheers and with the sympathetic eyes of EVERYONE—except, of course, CHARLOTTE AND JOSEPH FISH—fixed upon JERRY]
THE CURTAIN DESCENDS
Appendix II
This section contains two consecutive sets of “corrections and addenda” made by Fitzgerald for the final acting script while the play was in rehearsal during the late summer of 1923. The performance version involved relatively minor alterations of the original published book, and Fitzgerald’s page references make these final revisions easy to follow. Here, too, the original manuscript (Princeton University Library) has been transcribed without any alterations or corrections, except that Fitzgerald’s own deletions are shown in brackets. The second set of changes refers to the first set as well as to the printed book.
Changes And Addenda To “The Vegetable” (Numbers Refer To Pages Of The Printed Book)
Act I
P. 11 Insert after the words “so he went away”:
The bell rings again, [and] Jerry answers it with alacrity and in steps a weary, night-bound postman who says “Good Evening” and hands Jerry a lone, uninteresting letter, probably an advertisement. Jerry looks at the postman with rising interest.
Jerry. Say, you’re kinda late, arn’t you?
The Postman. Yeah. We’re short of men. I hada do two men’s work today.
Jerry. You get a lot of exercise on that job, don’t you? Lot of walking?
The Postman. Yeah.
Jerry. That’s what I like about it. You get a lot of exercise.
The Postman. You in the service?
Jerry. No-o-o. I got a desk job down at the railroad. Say, that’s a pretty suit they make you wear.
The Postman. Kinda nifty, ain’t it.
(The postman has been looking admiringly about the room, obviously in admiration of the tasty decorations)
The Postman. Say, that’s a fine bunch of photos you got on them walls.
(Jerry hasn’t thought of the photos for a long time but in the light of the postman’s approval they begin to assume value in his eyes.)
Jerry. (smugly) I always thought they were sort of artistic
The Postman. They must of cost you a lot of money
Jerry. Yeah, they cost a lot to have ’em taken.
The Postman. Kinda artistic having ’em all around.
Jerry. Well, that’s the idea I had. And then if I forget how anybody looks or anything I can just look up on the wall.
(The postman has now advanced into the room and is inspecting the art gallery.)
Jerry. This one’s my father. He lives with us.
The Postman. Old fella, eh?
Jerry. (proudly) He was born in 1834.
The Postman. (innocently) A.D. or B.C.?
Jerry. (quite seriously) A.D.
The Postman. (flabbergasted) Well, what do you know about that? (He stares again at the picture)
Jerry. He’s a great thinker. He’s thought a lot of things out.
(The postman nods comprehendingly and they move on to the next picture.)
Jerry. This is my wife here. This is the way she used to be when we got married, and (without malice) this is the way she is now.
(The postman nods his head appraisingly, looking from one picture to the other.)
Jerry. And this is her sister Doris. (With any encouragement he would go around the whole gallery, but the postman, still nodding in approval moves toward the door. Jerry’s face falls.)
The Postman. Well, I got to be going. If you ever get tired of your desk [want a] job [as a carrier] just let me know.
(They both smile)
Jerry. Drop in again, will you?
The Postman. Sure I will. Good night.
He goes out.
P. 11. Cut Charlotte’s speech beginning “I thought” ect. and substitute the following.
Charlotte. Who was that you were talking too?
Jerry. Oh, that was just the postman.
Charlotte. Havn’t you got anything better to do than talk to the postman?
Jerry. Now listen here, Charlit —
Charlotte. Next think you’ll be asking the milkman to come into breakfast. (scornfully) a common postman.
Jerry. (indignantly) Common? Why, Charlit, he was one of the — one of the healthiest men I ever saw in my life.
Charlotte. I should think you’d have something better to do than talk to the postman. A big, strong man like you. I thought you were going to the Republican Convention down at the Auditorium.
P. 17 Add this to Charlotte’s first speech:
(She begins to look indignantly through a magazine)
Well, just listen here what I found in this magazine that you are. Just listen here. Wait a minute now—just—wait—one—minute. (she reads) “Any man who doesn’t want to get on in the world and make a million dollars hasn’t got as much to him as a a good dog has — he’s nothing more or less than a vegetable.” That’s what you are, see? It says so right here.
(For a moment Jerry considers this gloomily)
P. 29. Cut the first two sentences of Doris’ last speech.
P. 55 Jerry’s final speech should be: “I’ll — I’ll ask my wife“
Changes For The Vegetable
Act II Page numbers refer to printed book.
Page 67. Jerry should say: “Yours insincerely” or something like that.” Mr. Jones speech should begin “Now there’s a few” ect.
P. 68 In Jones’ speech change “He didn’t say.” to “He thinks it’d be more democratic if everybody was green.”
P. 100 Give the second speech to Jerry. It should read “Won’t you stay for my impeachment. My wife’s having a few people in.
P. 102 Insert after Jerry’s first speech:
Stutz-Mozart. I have played before the President of Mexico.
Jerry. Well, maybe he’s used to having orang-outang around.
Doris. Look at here, he’s written a lot a lot of classical things. Havn’t you, Mr. Stutz-Mozart?
Stutz-Mozart. I am composer of “The Clam’s Giggle” for fifteen saxaphones and a drum. My time is worth five dollars a not You pay me off or else we play anyhow.
P. 102 Cut Stutz-Mozart’s first speech.
P. 104 Insert after the number dies away
Dada.The Heavenly Music!
P. 111 Instead of “The Bees Knees” the orchestra should play “The Duck’s Quack” by Hannibal Maguire
P. 112. Add to Jerry’s last speech: “I wouldn’t take it if I was elected to it in a golden plate.”
P. 113 After Jerry says “What?” in a loud voice cut the rest of the scene and substitute:
The stage grows dark and down through the darkness comes Charlottes voice again in vituperative contempt.
Charlotte. You poor, weak, miserable failure!
When Jerry is again revealed he is standing in his own [the] living room [of Act I], dressed in his business suit and holding a chair in his hand instead of the “special tree.”
Jerry. (in a slow, despairing voice) Oh, is that so. Well, I’ll show ’em all something. (He brushes his eyes with his sleeve but the tears are standing in them [streaming down his face] as he continues uncertainly) I got to get to work on some important work I got. I’m too valuable a guy. They can’t fool me.
Thru a blurry mist he locates the blue oblong of the door and goes out of the room and out of the house as the curtain falls.
Changes in
Acts I & II (numbers refer to printed book)
In Jerry’s scene with the postman cut the line “If you ever get tired of your desk job just let me know” and substitute “That certainly is a fine bunch of photos you got on them walls.” Change They both smile to Jerry smiles modestly.
Pps 54 and 55 (end of Act I) Change “Mr. Jones” to “Mr. McSullivan” whenever it occurs on these two pages.
Insert at bottom of page 84
Jerry. We strong men are hasty sometimes
or
I’m a sort of a cry baby myself sometimes
or
I’ve got to stop being so ruthless.
P. 86 Substitute for Jerry’s speech “Three Million”:
Three million then—but look at here, Honorable Snooks, I got to save some for a war
