Charlotte. [She’s relieved.] I heard them calling an extra, and I thought maybe everything had gone to pieces.
Jones. No, Mrs. Frost, the President hasn’t made any bad mistake for some time now. Of course, a lot of people objected when he appointed his father Secretary of the Treasury; his father’s being so old——
Charlotte. Well, I’ve had to stand for his family all my life—so I guess the country can. [Confidentially.]
Jones [a little embarrassed]. I see you’ve been shopping.
Charlotte. I’ve been buying some things for my sister’s wedding reception this afternoon.
The window of President Frost’s office opens abruptly. A white cigar emerges—followed by Jerry’s hairless eyebrows—passionately knit.
Jerry. All right. Go on and yell—and then when I make some awful mistake and the country goes to pieces, blame it on me!{59}
Charlotte [very patiently]. Nagging me again. Picking on me. Pick—pick—pick! All day!
Jerry. Gosh, you can be disagreeable, Charlit!
Charlotte. Pick—pick—pick!
Jerry [confused]. Pick?
Charlotte [sharply]. Pick!
Jerry jams down his window.
Meanwhile from the window above has emerged a hand holding a mirror. The hand is presently followed by a head with the hair slicked back damply. Doris, sister-in-law to the President, is seeking more light for her afternoon toilet.
Doris [disapprovingly]. I can hear you two washing your clothes in public all over the lawn.
Charlotte. He keeps nagging at me.
Doris begins to apply a white lotion to her face. She daubs it at a freckle on her nose, and gazes passionately at the resultant white splotch.
Doris [abstractedly]. I should think you’d get so you could stand him in public, anyways.
Charlotte. He makes me madder in public than anywhere else.
She gathers her bundles and goes angrily into the White House. Doris glances down at Mr. Jones, and,{60} deciding hastily that she is too publicly placid, withdraws her person from sight.
Jones picks up his broom and is about to go inside when a uniformed chauffeur opens the gate and announces:
“The Honorable Joseph Fish, Senator from Idaho.”
And now here’s Joseph Fish, in an enormous frock-coat and a tall silk hat, radiating an air of appalling prosperity.
Fish. Good morning, Mr. Jones. Is my fiancée around?
Jones. I believe she’s in her boudoir, Senator Fish. How is everything down at the capital?
Fish [gloomily]. Awful! I’m in a terrible position, Mr. Jones—and this was to have been my wedding reception day. Listen to this. [He takes a telegram from his pocket.] “Senator Joseph Fish, Washington, D. C. Present the State of Idaho’s compliments to President Frost and tell him that the people of Idaho demand his immediate resignation.”
Jones. This is terrible!
Fish. It’s because he made his father Secretary of the Treasury.
Jones. This will be depressing news to the President.
Fish. But think of me! This was to have been my{61} wedding reception day. What will Doris say when she hears about this. I’ve got to ask her own brother-in-law to—to move out of his home?
Jones. Have a cocktail.
He takes a shaker and glasses from behind a porch pillar and pours out two drinks.
Jones. I saw this coming. But I’ll tell you now, Senator Fish, the President won’t resign.
Fish. Then it’ll be my duty to have him impeached.
Jones. Shall I call the President now?
Fish. Let’s wait until eleven o’clock. Give me one more hour of happiness. [He raises his eyes pathetically to the upper window.] Doris—oh Doris!
Doris, now fully dressed and under the influence of cosmetics, comes out onto the lawn. Mr. Jones, picking up the broom and the puppy, goes into the White House.
Fish [jealously]. Where were you all day yesterday?
Doris [languidly]. An old beau of mine came to see me and kept hanging around.
Fish [in wild alarm]. Good God! What’d he say?
Doris. He said I was stuck up because my brother-in-law was President, and I said: “Well, what if I am? I’d hate to say what your brother-in-law is.{62}”
Fish [fascinated]. What is he?
Doris. He owns a garbage disposal service.
Fish [even more fascinated]. Is that right? Can you notice it on his brother-in-law?
Doris. Something awful. I wouldn’t of let him come in the house. Imagine if somebody came in to see you and said: “Sniff. Sniff. Who’s been sitting on these chairs?” And you said: “Oh, just my brother-in-law, the garbage disposal man.”
Fish. Doris—Doris, an awful thing has occurred——
Doris [looking out the gate]. Here comes Dada. Say, he must be going on to between eighty and ninety years old, if not older.
Fish [gloomily]. Why did your brother-in-law have to go and make him Secretary of the Treasury? He might as well have gone to an old men’s home and said: “See here, I want to get eight old dumb-bells for my cabinet.”
Doris. Oh, Jerry does everything all wrong. You see, he thought his father had read a lot of books—the Bible and the Encyclopædia and the Dictionary and all.
In totters Dada. Prosperity has spruced him up, but not to any alarming extent. The hair on his face is not under cultivation. His small, watery eyes gleam dully in their ragged ovals. His mouth laps{63} faintly at all times, like a lake with tides mildly agitated by the moon.
Fish. Good morning, Mr. Frost.
Dada [dimly]. Hm.
He is under the impression that he has made an adequate response.
Doris [tolerantly]. Dada, kindly meet my fiancé—Senator Fish from Idaho.
Dada [expansively]. Young man, how do you do? I feel very well. You wouldn’t think I was eighty-eight years old, would you?
Fish [politely]. I should say not.
Doris. You’d think he was two hundred.
Dada [who missed this]. Yeah. [A long pause.] We used to have a joke when I was young—we used to say the first Frosts came to this country in the beginning of winter.
Doris. Funny as a crutch.
Dada [to Fish]. Do you ever read the Scriptures?
Fish. Sometimes.
Dada. I’m the Secretary of the Treasury, you know. My son made me the Secretary of the Treasury. He’s the President. He was my only boy by my second wife.
Doris. The old dumb-bell!{64}
Dada. I was born in 1834, under the presidency of Andrew Jackson. I was twenty-seven years old when the war broke out.
Doris [sarcastically]. Do you mean the Revolutionary War?
Dada [witheringly]. The Revolutionary War was in 1776.
Doris. Tell me something I don’t know.
Dada. When you grow older you’ll find there are a lot of things you don’t know. [To Fish.] Do you know my son Jerry?
Doris [utterly disgusted]. Oh, gosh!
Fish. I met your son before he was elected President and I’ve seen him a lot of times since then, on account of being Senator from Idaho and all, and on account of Doris. You see, we’re going to have our wedding reception this afternoon——
In the middle of this speech Dada’s mind has begun to wander. He utters a vague “Hm!” and moves off, paying no further attention, and passing through the swinging doors into the White House.
Fish [impressed in spite of himself by Dada’s great age]. He’s probably had a lot of experience, that old bird. He was alive before you were born.{65}
Doris. So were a lot of other old nuts. Come on—let’s go hire the music for our wedding reception.
Fish [remembering something with a start]. Doris—Doris, would you have a wedding reception with me if you knew—if you knew the disagreeable duty——
Doris. Knew what?
Fish. Nothing. I’m going to be happy, anyways [he looks at his watch]—for almost an hour.
They go out through the garden gate.
And now President Jerry Frost himself is seen to leave his window and in a minute he emerges from the Executive Mansion. He wears a loose-fitting white flannel frock coat, and a tall white stovepipe hat. His heavy gold watch-chain would anchor a small yacht, and he carries a white stick, ringed with a gold band.
After rubbing his back sensuously against a porch pillar, he walks with caution across the lawn and his hand is on the gate-latch when he is hailed from the porch by Mr. Jones.
Jones. Mr. President, where are you going?
Jerry [uneasily]. I thought I’d go down and get a cigar.
Jones [cynically]. It doesn’t look well for you to play dice for cigars, sir.{66}
Jerry sits down wearily and puts his hat on the table.
Jones. I’m sorry to say there’s trouble in the air, Mr. President. It’s what we might refer to as the Idaho matter.
Jerry. The Idaho matter?
Jones. Senator Fish has received orders from Idaho to demand your resignation at eleven o’clock this morning.
Jerry. I never liked that bunch of people they got out there in Idaho.
Jones. Well, I just thought I’d tell you—so you could think about it.
Jerry [hopefully]. Maybe I’ll get some idea how to fix it up. I’m a very resourceful man. I always think of something.
Jones. Mr. President, would you—would you mind telling me how you got your start?
Jerry [carelessly]. Oh, I got analyzed one day, and they just found I was sort of a good man and would just be wasting my time as a railroad clerk.
Jones. So you forged ahead?
Jerry. Sure. I just made up my mind to be President, and then I went ahead and did it. I’ve always been a very ambitious sort of—sort of domineerer.
Jones sighs and takes several letters from his pocket.
{67}
Jones. The morning mail.
Jerry [looking at the first letter]. This one’s an ad, I’ll bet. [He opens it.] “Expert mechanics, chauffeurs, plumbers earn big money. We fit you in twelve lessons.” [He looks up.] I wonder if there’s anything personal in that. If there is it’s a low sort of joke.
Jones [soothingly]. Oh, I don’t think there is.
Jerry [offended]. Anybody that’d play a joke like that on a person that has all the responsibility of being President, and then to have somebody play a low, mean joke on him like that!
Jones. I’ll write them a disagreeable letter.
Jerry. All right. But
