Jones. I can begin the letter “Damn Sirs” instead of “Dear Sirs.”
Jerry. Sure, that’s the idea. And put something like that in the ending, too.
Jones. “Yours insincerely,” or something like that…. Now there’s a few people waiting in here to see you, sir. [He takes out a list.] First, there’s somebody that’s been ordered to be hung.
Jerry. What about him?
Jones. I think he wants to arrange it some way so he won’t be hung. Then there’s a man that’s got a{68} scheme for changing everybody in the United States green.
Jerry [puzzled]. Green?
Jones. That’s what he says.
Jerry. Why green?
Jones. He didn’t say. I told him not to wait. And there’s the Ambassador from Abyssinia. He says that one of our sailors on leave in Abyssinia threw the king’s cousin down a flight of thirty-nine steps.
Jerry [after a pause]. What do you think I ought to do about that?
Jones. Well, I think you ought to—well, send flowers or something, to sort of recognize that the thing had happened.
Jerry [somewhat awed]. Is the king’s cousin sore?
Jones. Well, naturally he——
Jerry. I don’t mean sore that way. I mean did he—did he take it hard? Did he think there was any ill feeling from the United States Government in the sailor’s—action?
Jones. Why, I suppose you might say yes.
Jerry. Well, you tell him that the sailor had no instructions to do any such thing. Demand the sailor’s resignation.
Jones. And Major-General Pushing has been wait{69}ing to see you for some time. Shall I tell him to come out here?
Jerry. All right.
Jones goes into the White House and returns, announcing: “Major-General Pushing, U. S. A.”
Out marches General Pushing. He is accompanied at three paces by a fifer and drummer, who play a spirited march. When the General reaches the President’s table the trio halt, the fife and drum cease playing, and the General salutes.
The General is a small fat man with a fierce gray mustache. His chest and back are fairly obliterated with medals, and he is wearing one of those great shakos peculiar to drum-majors.
Jerry. Good morning, General Pushing. Did they keep you waiting?
General Pushing [fiercely]. That’s all right. We’ve been marking time—it’s good for some of the muscles.
Jerry. How’s the army?
General Pushing. Very well, Mr. President. Several of the privates have complained of headaches. [He clears his throat portentously.] I’ve called on you to say I’m afraid we’ve got to have war. I held a conference last night with two others of our best generals. We discussed the matter thoroughly, and then we took a vote. Three to nothing in favor of war.{70}
Jerry [alarmed]. Look at here, General Pushing, I’ve got a lot of things on my hands now, and the last thing I want to have is a war.
General Pushing. I knew things weren’t going very well with you, Mr. President. In fact, I’ve always thought that what this country needs is a military man at the head of it. The people are restless and excited. The best thing to keep their minds occupied is a good war. It will leave the country weak and shaken—but docile, Mr. President, docile. Besides—we voted on it, and there you are.
Jerry. Who is it against?
General Pushing. That we have not decided. We’re going to take up the details to-night. It depends on—just how much money there is in the Treasury. Would you mind calling up your—father— [the General gives this word an ironic accentuation]—and finding out?
Jerry takes up the white telephone from the table. Jones meanwhile has produced the shaker and glasses. He pours a cocktail for every one—even for the fifer and drummer.
Jerry [at the ’phone]. Connect me with the Treasury Department, please…. Is this the Treasury?… This is President Frost…. Oh, I’m very well, thanks. No, it’s better. Much better. The dentist says he doesn’t think I’ll have to have it out now…. Say,{71} what I called you up about is to find how much money there is in the Treasury…. Oh, I see…. Oh, I see. Thanks. [He hangs up the receiver.]
Jerry [worried]. General Pushing, things seem to be a little confused over at the Treasury. Dada—the Secretary of the Treasury isn’t there right now—and they say nobody else knows much about it.
General Pushing [disapprovingly]. Hm! I could put you on a nice war pretty cheap. I could manage a battle or so for almost nothing. [With rising impatience.] But a good President ought to be able to tell just how much we could afford.
Jerry [chastened]. I’ll find out from Dada.
General Pushing [meaningly]. Being President is a sacred trust, you know, Mr. Frost.
Jerry. Well, I know it’s a sacred trust, don’t I?
General Pushing [sternly]. Are you proud of it?
Jerry [utterly crestfallen]. Of course, I’m proud of it. Don’t I look proud? I’m proud as a pecan. [Resentfully.] What do you know about it, anyways? You’re nothing but a common soldier—I mean a common general.
General Pushing [pityingly]. I came here to help you, Mr. Frost. [With warning emphasis.] Perhaps you are aware that the sovereign State of Idaho is about to ask your resignation.{72}
Jerry [now thoroughly resentful]. Look at here, suppose you be the President for a while, if you know so much about it.
General Pushing [complacently]. I’ve often thought that what this country needs is a military man at the head of it.
Jerry. All right, then, you just take off that hat and coat!
Jerry takes off his own coat. Jones rushes forward in alarm.
Jones. If there’s going to be a fight hadn’t we all better go into the billiard-room?
Jerry [insistently to General Pushing]. Take off that hat and coat!
General Pushing [aghast]. But, Mr. President——
Jerry. Listen here—if I’m the President you do what I say.
General Pushing obediently removes his sword and takes off his hat and coat. He assumes a crouching posture and, putting up his fists, begins to dance menacingly around Jerry.
But, instead of squaring off, Jerry gets quickly into the General’s hat and coat and buckles on the sword.
Jerry. All right, since you know so much about{73} being President, you put on my hat and coat and try it for a while.
The General, greatly taken aback, looks from Jerry to Jerry’s coat, with startled eyes. Jerry swaggers up and down the lawn, brandishing the sword. Then his eyes fall with distaste upon the General’s shirtsleeves.
Jerry. Well, what are you moping around for?
General Pushing [plaintively]. Come on, Mr. President, be reasonable. Give me that coat and hat. Nobody appreciates a good joke any more than I do, but——
Jerry [emphatically]. No, I won’t give them to you. I’m a general, and I’m going to war. You can stay around here. [Sarcastically, to Mr. Jones.] He’ll straighten everything out, Mr. Jones.
General Pushing [pleadingly]. Mr. President, I’ve waited for this war for forty years. You wouldn’t take away my coat and hat like that, just as we’ve got it almost ready.
Jerry [pointing to the shirtsleeves]. That’s a nice costume to be hanging around the White House in.
General Pushing [brokenly]. I can’t help it, can I? Who took my coat and hat, anyhow?
Jerry. If you don’t like it you can get out.{74}
General Pushing [sarcastically]. Yes. Nice lot of talk it’d cause if I went back to the War Department looking like this. “Where’s your hat and coat, General?” “Oh, I just thought I’d come down in my suspenders this morning.”
Jerry. You can have my coat—and my troubles.
Charlotte comes suddenly out of the White House, and they turn startled eyes upon her, like two guilty schoolboys.
Charlotte [staring]. What’s the matter? Has everything gone to pieces?
General Pushing [on the verge of tears]. He took my coat and hat.
Charlotte [pointing to the General]. Who is that man?
General Pushing [in a dismal whine]. I’m Major-General Pushing, I am.
Charlotte. I don’t believe it.
Jerry [uneasily]. Yes, he is, Charlit. I was just kidding him.
Charlotte [understanding immediately]. Oh, you’ve been nagging people again.
Jerry [beginning to unbutton the coat]. The General was nagging me, Charlit. I’ve just been teaching him a lesson—haven’t I, General?{75}
He struggles out of the General’s coat and into his own. The General, grunting his relief and disgust, re-attires himself in the military garment.
Jerry [losing confidence under Charlotte’s stare]. Honest, everything’s getting on my nerves. First it’s some correspondence school getting funny, and then he [indicating the General] comes around, and then all the people out in Idaho——
Charlotte [with brows high]. Well, if you want to know what I think, I think everything’s going to pieces.
Jerry. No, it isn’t, Charlit. I’m going to fix everything. I’ve got a firm grip on everything. Haven’t I, Mr. Jones? I’m just nervous, that’s all.
General Pushing [now completely buttoned up, physically and mentally]. In my opinion, sir, you’re a very dangerous man. I have served under eight Presidents, but I have never before lost my coat and hat. I bid you good morning, Mr. President. You’ll hear from me later.
At his salute the fife and drum commence to play. The trio execute about face, and the escort, at three paces, follows the General out the gate.
Jerry stares uneasily after them.
Jerry. Everybody’s always saying that I’m going to hear from ’em later. They want to kick me out of this{76} job—that’s what they want. They think I don’t know.
Jones. The people elected you, Mr. President. And the people want you—all except the ones out in Idaho.
Charlotte [anxiously]. Couldn’t you be on the safe side and have yourself reduced to Vice-President, or something?
A Newsboy [outside]. Extra! Extra! Idaho says: “Resign or be Impeached.”
Jerry. Was that newsboy yelling something about me?
Charlotte [witheringly]. He never so much as mentioned you.
In response to Mr. Jones’s whistle a full-grown newsboy comes in at
