Do you suppose Pablo took it? Don’t be silly. You must have lost it at the bridge. «Come on now, Jordan,» he said. «Over you go.»
Then he took hold of his left leg with both hands and pulled on it hard, pulling toward the foot while he lay down beside the tree he had been resting his back against. Then lying flat and pulling hard on the leg, so the broken end of the bone would not come up and cut through the thigh, he turned slowly around on his rump until the back of his head was facing downhill.
Then with his broken leg, held by both hands, uphill, he put the sole of his right foot against the instep of his left foot and pressed hard while he rolled, sweating, over onto his face and chest. He got onto his elbows, stretched the left leg well behind him with both hands and a far, sweating, push with the right foot and there he was. He felt with his fingers on the left thigh and it was all right. The bone end had not punctured the skin and the broken end was well into the muscle now.
The big nerve must have been truly smashed when that damned horse rolled on it, he thought. It truly doesn’t hurt at all. Except now in certain changes of positions. That’s when the bone pinches something else. You see? he said. You see what luck is? You didn’t need the giant killer at all.
He reached over for the submachine gun, took the clip out that was in the magazine, felt in his pocket for clips, opened the action and looked through the barrel, put the clip back into the groove of the magazine until it clicked, and then looked down the hill slope. Maybe half an hour, he thought. Now take it easy.
Then he looked at the hillside and he looked at the pines and he tried not to think at all.
Then he looked at the stream and he remembered how it had been under the bridge in the cool of the shadow. I wish they would come, he thought. I do not want to get in any sort of mixed-up state before they come.
Who do you suppose has it easier? Ones with religion or just taking it straight? It comforts them very much but we know there is no thing to fear. It is only missing it that’s bad. Dying is only bad when it takes a long time and hurts so much that it humiliates you. That is where you have all the luck, see? You don’t have any of that.
It’s wonderful they’ve got away. I don’t mind this at all now they are away. It is sort of the way I said. It is really very much that way. Look how different it would be if they were all scattered out across that hill where that gray horse is. Or if we were all cooped up here waiting for it.
No. They’re gone. They’re away. Now if the attack were only a success. What do you want? Everything. I want everything and I will take whatever I get. If this attack is no good another one will be. I never noticed when the planes came back. ‘God, that was lucky I could make her go’.
I’d like to tell grandfather about this one. I’ll bet he never had to go over and find his people and do a show like this. How do you know? He may have done fifty. No, he said. Be accurate. Nobody did any fifty like this one. Nobody did five. Nobody did one maybe not just like this. Sure. They must have.
I wish they would come now, he said. I wish they would come right now because the leg is starting to hurt now. It must be the swelling.
We were going awfully good when that thing hit us, he thought. But it was only luck it didn’t come while I was under the bridge. When a thing is wrong something’s bound to happen. You were bitched when they gave Golz those orders. That was what you knew and it was probably that which Pilar felt.
But later on we will have these things much better organized. We ought to have portable short wave transmitters. ‘Yes, there’s a lot of things we ought to have’. I ought to carry a spare leg, too.
He grinned at that sweatily because the leg, where the big nerve had been bruised by the fall, was hurting badly now. Oh, let them come, he said. I don’t want to do that business that my father did. I will do it all right but I’d much prefer not to have to. I’m against that. Don’t think about that. Don’t think at all. I wish the bastards would come, he said. I wish so very much they’d come.
His leg was hurting very badly now. The pain had started suddenly with the swelling after he had moved and he said, Maybe I’ll just do it now. I guess I’m not awfully good at pain. Listen, if I do that now you wouldn’t misunderstand, would you? ‘Who are you talking to?’ Nobody, he said. Grandfather, I guess. No. Nobody. Oh bloody it, I wish that they would come.
Listen, I may have to do that because if I pass out or anything like that I am no good at all and if they bring me to they will ask me a lot of questions and do things and all and that is no good. It’s much best not to have them do those things. So why wouldn’t it be all right to just do it now and then the whole thing would be over with? Because oh, listen, yes, listen, ‘let them come now’.
You’re not good at this, Jordan, he said. Not so good at this. And who is so good at this? I don’t know and I don’t really care right now. But you are not. That’s right. You’re not at all. Oh not at all, at all. I think it would be all right to do it now? Don’t you?
‘No, it isn’t’. Because there is something you can do yet. As long as you know what it is you have to do it. As long as you remember what it is you have to wait for that. ‘Come on. Let them come. Let them come. Let them come!’
Think about them being away, he said. Think about them going through the timber. Think about them crossing a creek. Think about them riding through the heather. Think about them going up the slope. Think about them O.K. tonight. Think about them travelling, all night. Think about them hiding up tomorrow. Think about them. God damn it, think about them. ‘That’s just as far as I can think about them’, he said.
Think about Montana. ‘I can’t’. Think about Madrid. ‘I can’t’. Think about a cool drink of water. ‘All right’. That’s what it will be like. Like a cool drink of water. ‘You’re a liar’. It will just be nothing. That’s all it will be. Just nothing. Then do it. ‘Do it’. Do it now. It’s all right to do it now. Go on and do it now. ‘No, you have to wait’. What for? You know all right. ‘Then wait’.
I can’t wait any longer now, he said. If I wait any longer I’ll pass out. I know because I’ve felt it starting to go three times now and I’ve held it. I held it all right. But I don’t know about any more. What I think is you’ve got an internal hemorrhage there from where that thigh bone’s cut around inside. Especially on that turning business.
That makes the swelling and that’s what weakens you and makes you start to pass. It would be all right to do it now. Really, I’m telling you that it would be all right.
‘And if you wait and hold them up even a little while or just get the officer that may make all the difference. One thing well done can make—’
All right, he said. And he lay very quietly and tried to hold on to himself that he felt slipping away from himself as you feel snow starting to slip sometimes on a mountain slope, and he said, now quietly, then let me last until they come.
Robert Jordan’s luck held very good because he saw, just then, the cavalry ride out of the timber and cross the road. He watched them coming riding up the slope. He saw the trooper who stopped by the gray horse and shouted to the officer who rode over to him. He watched them both looking down at the gray horse. They recognized him of course. He and his rider had been missing since the early morning of the day before.
Robert Jordan saw them there on the slope, close to him now, and below he saw the road and the bridge and the long lines of vehicles below it. He was completely integrated now and he took a good long look at everything. Then he looked up at the sky. There were big white clouds in it. He touched the palm of his hand against the pine needles where he lay and he touched the bark of the pine trunk that he lay behind.
Then he rested easily as he could with his two elbows in the pine needles and the muzzle of the submachine gun resting against the
