As she looked at the picture, Grady felt a chill echo, the kind that comes when, in an original situation, one has the sensation of its all having occurred before: if we know the past, and live the present, is it possible that we dream the future? For it was in a dream that she’d seen them, Clyde and the girl, running arm in arm, while she, on an escalator of voiceless protest, slipped past and away. It was to happen, then; she would suffer in the daytime; and thinking so, she heard Ida’s voice, which fell like a long crashing tree: pinioned by its weight, she cringed in her chair. “I took all these myself, just nuts about taking pictures: aren’t they cute? That one of Clyde!
It was right after he was in the army, and they had him down in North Carolina, so Becky got me to go down on the train with her, a lot of laughs! And that’s where I met Phil. He’s the one in the bathing suit. I don’t see him anymore; but the first year he was out of the army we were engaged and he took me dancing thirty-six times, the Diamond Horseshoe and everywhere like that.” There was a history attached to each picture, and Ida recounted them all, while in the background Bernie played cowboy songs on an ancient phonograph.
What infinite energies are wasted steeling oneself against crisis that seldom comes: the strength to move mountains; and yet it is perhaps this very waste, this torturous wait for things that never happen, which prepares the way and allows one to accept with sinister serenity the beast at last in view: resignedly Grady heard the doorbell ring, a sound that, when it came, jabbed into the composures of everyone else (except Clyde, who was upstairs washing his hands) like a hypodermic needle. Though she had at this moment every reason to walk out, she was determined not to make a poor show, and so when Ida said, “Here she is now,” Grady only looked toward the host of angel clowns, surreptitiously poking her tongue at them.
Chapter 6
The next day, Monday, marked the start of a memorable heat-wave. Although the morning papers said simply fair and warm, it was apparent by noon that something exceptional was happening, and office-workers, drifting back from lunch with the dazed desperate expression of children being bullied, began to dial Weather. Toward midafternoon, as the heat closed in like a hand over a murder victim’s mouth, the city thrashed and twisted but, with its outcry muffled, its hurry hampered, its ambitions hindered, it was like a dry fountain, some useless monument, and so sank into a coma. The steaming willow-limp stretches of Central Park were like a battlefield where many have fallen: rows of exhausted casualties lay crumpled in the dead-still shade, while newspaper photographers, documenting the disaster, moved sepulchrally among them. In the cat house at the zoo, the suffering lions roared.
Aimlessly Grady moved from room to room, where at many angles clocks winked maliciously, all dead, two proclaiming twelve, another three, one saying a quarter to ten; out of mind, like these clocks, time flowed in her veins—thick as honey, each moment refusing to be used up: on and on, like the prowling golden cryings of the lions, which, fading at the windows, she heard but dimly, a sound she could not identify. Nostalgic, gingery hints of Spanish geranium wafted in her mother’s room, and Lucy, diamond-studded, an ermine stole crushed around crinkling evening glitter, swept spectrally past, her artificial party voice reaching back: go to sleep, my darling, sweet dreams, my darling; and the after-scent of Spanish geranium said laughter, fame, said New York, winter.
She waited on the threshold. The green sublime room was in appalling disarray: its summer coverings were stripped back, a spilled ashtray sprawled on the silver rug, there were crumbs and cigarette ashes in the bed, which was unmade: mixed in among the sheets was one of Clyde’s shirts, and a pair of his shorts, and a lovely old fan that belonged to a set Lucy had collected. Clyde, who stayed over in the apartment three and four nights a week, liked the room, and had taken it for his own; he kept his extra clothes in Lucy’s private closet, so that his khaki trousers always smelled faintly of Spanish geranium. But Grady, as if she didn’t understand why it should have this invaded, burglarized look, cussed the room with an aghast expression; she could only think: something ruthless has happened here, so heartless I shall never be forgiven; and she finicked about, attempting to straighten up, and she picked up his shirt, then stood there, stroking her cheek with the sleeve of it.
He loved her, he loved her, and until he’d loved her she had never minded being alone, she’d liked too much to be alone. At school, where all the girls had crushes on one another and trailed in sweetheart pairs, she had kept to herself: except once, and that was when she’d allowed Naomi to adore her. Naomi, scholarly, and bourgeois as a napkin ring, had written her passionate poems that really rhymed, and once she’d let Naomi kiss her on the lips. But she had not loved her: it is very seldom that a person loves anyone they cannot in some way envy: she could not envy any girl, only men: and so Naomi became mislaid in her thoughts, then lost, like an old letter, one which had never been carefully read.
She had liked to be alone, but not, as Lucy accused, to spend her time in listless moping, which is a vice of the highly domesticated, the naturally tame: there pumped through her a nervous wild vigor that every day demanded steeper feats, more daring exertions: the police warned Mr. McNeil about her driving; twice she was caught on the Merritt Parkway making eighty and over. It wasn’t a lie when she told the arresting officers that she’d had no idea how fast she was going: speed numbed her, turned out the lights in her mind, most of all it deadened a little the excess of feeling that made personal contacts so painful. Others struck the keys too hard, and too loud were the chords she played back.
Think of Steve Bolton. And Clyde, too. But he loved her. He loved her. If the telephone would ring. Perhaps it will if I don’t look at it; it does that sometimes. Or was he in terrible trouble, was that why it never rang? Poor Mrs. Manzer, weeping, and Ida, shouting, and Clyde: go home, I’ll call you later, those were his exact words, and how long could she endure it, alone among stopped clocks and heat-hushed sounds that faded at the windows? She sank on the bed, her blue-flooded head slipping sleepily downward.
“Christ, McNeil, doesn’t the bell work? I’ve been standing here a half-hour.”
“I’m asleep,” she said, peering at Peter with sleep-sullen, disappointed eyes. She wavered at the door: suppose Clyde should come while Peter was here? All things considered, it was no time for them to meet.
“You needn’t stare at me as though I was a nightmare,” he said, amiably pushing past her. “Though I must say I feel like one—having spent this filthy day on a day-coach, and surrounded by little hoodlums, all just bursting with energy after their two weeks of fresh air. I hope you don’t mind if I use your shower?”
She did not want Peter to see into the plunder of her mother’s room, and so she hurried along the hall ahead of him. “I remember: you’ve been on Nantucket,” she said as they went into her room, where immediately he unbuttoned a sticky seersucker jacket. “I got your card.”
“Oh, did I send you one? That was thoughtful of me. As a matter of fact, we wanted you to come; I called a thousand times but no answer. We went up on Freddy Cruikshank’s sailboat, and it was really rather fun, except that I got bitten by a crab—in a place I can’t show you: speaking of which, turn around, I want to take off my pants.”
Sitting with her back to him, she lighted a cigarette. “It must have been fun,” she said, recalling other years, seaside summers white with sails, starfish, reverse summers. “I haven’t been out of town since I saw you.”
“Which is fairly apparent, wouldn’t you say? You look like a lily: a little funereal for my taste.” He was bragging: his own neat, very cared-for body was a color like tea, and sun streaks whipped through his hair. “I thought you were a devotee of the great outdoors; or did that belong to your tomboy days?”
“I haven’t been feeling awfully well,” she said, and Peter, already in the bathroom, paused to ask if it were anything serious. “Not really, no. The heat, I suppose. I’m never ill, you know that.” Only yesterday. It was after Brooklyn; she remembered crossing the bridge, then stopping for a traffic light. “Only yesterday, I fainted,” and as she said it something inside her turned over, fell down: a sensation not unlike what she’d felt when the traffic light had started to spiral and darkness happened. It had lasted a moment, the light, in fact, had scarcely changed; even so, there had been a blasting of car horns: sorry, she’d said, jumping her car forward.
“Can’t hear you, McNeil. Speak up.”
“It doesn’t matter. I was just talking to myself.”
“That, too? You are in a bad way. We both
