They’re a bunch of thieves, the three of ‘em. said the barkeep, as he filled my glass. Would you believe it, one of ‘em was a priest once. He’s the biggest faker of the lot. Can’t put ‘em out—they own the building. See what I mean?
He busied himself with the empty glasses, rinsed them, wiped them, polished them, lit himself a cigarette. Then he ambled over to me again.
All shandy-gaff, he mumbled confidentially. They can talk sense, if they want to. They’re as smart as steel traps. Like to put on an act, that’s all. Beats me why they pick this place to do it in. He leaned backward to spit a gob in the spittoon beside his feet. Ireland! They never saw Ireland, none of them. They were born and raised a block away from here. They love to put it on … You’d never think it, would you, but the blind fellow was a great little fighter once. Until he got knocked cold by Terry McGovern. He’s got the eyes of an eagle, that bird. Comes in here to count his money every day. It burns him up to get wooden money. You know what he does with the bad coins? Passes them off on real blind men. Ain’t that nice?
He left me a moment to beg them to quiet down. The champagne was beginning to have its effect.
Know what the big news is now? They’re planning to hire a hansom and take a ride through Central Park. Time to feed the pigeons, they say. How’s that for you? He leaned backwards again to use the cuspidor. That’s another one of their acts—feeding the pigeons. They throw out some crumbs or peanuts, and when they’ve collected a crowd they begin throwing away the wooden money. Gives them a great kick. After that Blind Ben does a little number and they pass the hat around. As if they hadn’t a cent in the world! I’d like to be there sometime and put a nice lump of shit in the kitty…
He looked around to eye them disdainfully. Turns back to me again and starts spouting.
Maybe you thought they were really arguing about something? I’ve listened time and again to find out how it begins—but I never can. Before you know it they’re in the thick of it. They say any old thing—to get wound up. It’s gab they like. The argumentation is just dirt in the eye. The Pope, Darwin, kangaroos—you heard it all. It never makes sense, no matter what they’re talking about. Yesterday it was hydraulic engineering and how to cure constipation. The day before it was the Easter Rebellion. All mixed up with a lot of horse shit—the bubonic plague, the Sepoy mutiny, Roman aqueducts and horse feathers. Words, words … It drives me nuts sometimes. Every night I’m arguin’ in my sleep. The hell of it is I don’t know what I’m arguin’ about. Just like them. Even my day off is ruined. I keep wondering if they’re goin’ to show up somewheres … Some people think they’re funny. I’ve seen guys split their sides laughing at ‘em. It ain’t funny to me, no sir! By the time I finish here I’m standing on my head … Listen—I did a stretch once—for six months—and a colored guy had the cell next to mine … Can I freshen it up for you.? … He sang all day long, and nights too. Got me so mad I wanted to throttle him. Funny, hah? Shows you how sensitive you can get … Brother, if I ever get out of this racket I’m headin’ for the Sierra Nevadas. What I need is peace and quiet.
I don’t even want to look at a cow. It might go MOO-ooo-ooo—see what I mean? Trouble was, when I got back my wife was gone. Yeah! Ran out on me—and with my best friend, of course. Just the same, I can’t forget that month of peace and quiet. It was worth everything that happened afterwards … You get sensitive, working like a slave all day long. I was cut out for somethin’ else. Never could find out what. I’ve been off beat for a long time … Can I freshen it up for you? It’s on the house, what the hell! You see … now I’m talkin’ a blue streak. That’s what happens to you. You see a sympathetic puss and you spill the beans … I haven’t told you anything yet. He reached up and took down a bottle of gin. Poured himself a thimbleful, a good one. Here’s how! And let’s hope they get the hell out of here soon. Where was I? Yeah, the bad news … What do you think my parents wanted me to be? An insurance agent. Can you beat that? They thought it was refined like. The old man was a hod-carrier, you see. From the old country, sure enough.
A brogue as thick as mulligatawney. Yeah, the insurance racket. Can you picture me goin’ through a routine like that? So I joins the Marines. After that the horses. Lost everything. Then I take up plumbing. No go. Too clumsy. Besides, I hate filth, believe it or not. So what? Well, I bummed around a bit, got wise to myself and borrowed a little from the old man so as I could open a hash joint. Then I make the mistake of gettin’ hitched up. A battle royal from the day we were spliced. Except for that vacation I was telling you about. So help me God, one experience wasn’t enough. Before you know it, I’m hooked up with another one—a cute little bitch too. Then the real agony starts. She was a screw-ball, this last one. She got me so bitched up I didn’t now whether I was goin’ or comin’. That’s how I landed in the clink. When I came out I was that low I was ready for religion. Yes sir, those six months in the clink put the fear of Christ in me. I was ready to toe the line … He poured himself another thimbleful of gin, spat again, and resumed where he had left off. Listen, I was that careful you. could have offered me a gold ingot and I wouldn’t touch it. That’s how I got inter this business. I asked for somethin’ to keep me busy. It was the old man who got met he job. He leaned over to whisper the words: He coughed up five hundred clam to get me this break! That’s kindness. what!
Here I begged off to take a leak.
When I came out the bar was full.
The trio had disappeared, I noticed. I shook myself like a dog and headed back for the Gay White Way. Everything had fallen back into its normal aspect. It was Broadway once again, not the rambla, not the Nevsky Prospekt. A typical New York throng, no different from what it was in the year One. I bought a paper at Times Square and ducked into the subway. The workers were wending their weary way homeward. Not a spark of life in the whole train. Only the switchboard in the motorman’s compartment was alive, crackling with electricity. You could add up all the thoughts that were being thought, put a decimal in front of them, and add twenty-six digits to make it even less than nothing.
On the seventh day God rested from His labor and saw that all was good. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
I wondered vaguely about the pigeons. And from that to the Sepoy Mutiny. Then I dozed off. I fell into such a stupor that I never woke up till we got to Coney Island. The brief case was gone. So was my wallet. Even the newspaper was gone … Nothing to do but stay in the train and ride back again.
I felt hungry. Voraciously hungry. And in excellent spirits. I decided I might as well eat at The Iron Cauldron. It seemed as if I hadn’t seen my wife for ages.
Fine! Giddy-ap, horsey! To the Village!
16
The Iron Cauldron was one of the landmarks of the Village. Its clientele was drawn from far and near. Among the many interesting, characters who frequented the place were the inevitable freaks and eccentrics who made the Village notorious.
To believe Mona, it would seem that all the nuts congregated at her tables. Almost every day I heard of some new figure, each one, of course, more extravagant than the last.
The latest was Anastasia. She had blown in from the Coast and was having a time of it to keep going. She had had a few hundred dollars with her on arriving in New York but it had vanished like smoke. What she hadn’t given away had been stolen. According to Mona, she was an extraordinary looking person. She had long black hair which she wore like a mane, violet blue eyes, beautiful strong hands and large sturdy feet. She called herself Anastasia simply. Her last name, Annapolis, she had invented. Apparently she had wandered into The Iron Cauldron in search of work. Mona had overheard her talking to the proprietor and had come to her rescue. Wouldn’t hear of her washing dishes or even waiting on tables. She had divined at once that this was an unusual person, had invited her to sit down and eat, and after a long conversation had loaned her some money.
Imagine, she was walking around in overalls.
