I walked on the street. A wretched beggar approached me. I forgot who I was and passed by. And then suddenly I remembered, and just as naturally as the hungry begin to eat and the tired
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The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [1895
sit down, I turned back and handed him some-thing. It is the same with the temptation to quarrel, to insult, to be vain.
3) One can not voluntarily cease to remain awake, i. e. to fall asleep. Just as little can one voluntarily cease to live. Life is more important than the will, than desire. (Unclear.)
4) Receive with thankfulness the enjoyments of the flesh all that you meet on the way, if they are not sinful in short, if they do not go against your consciousness, if they do not make it suffer. But use the efforts of your will, your liberty, only to serve God.
I just wrote a letter to Crosby. 37 He is work-ing in America. Dec. 24. Moscow. If I live.
Yesterday I received the “ Open Letter “ of Spielhagen, the Socialist, which appeared in the newspapers with regard to Drozhin. 38
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1896
January 23. Moscow.
Just a month that I made no entries. During this time I wrote a letter about patriotism 39 and a letter to Crosby 40 and here now for two weeks I have been writing the drama. I wrote three acts abominably. I thought to make an outline so as to form the charpente. I have little hope of suc-cess.
Chertkov and Kenworthy went away the 7th. Sonya went to Tver to Andrusha. 41 To-day Na-gornov 42 died. I am again a little indisposed.
I jotted down during this time :
1 ) A true work of art a contagious one is produced only when the artist seeks, strives. In poetry this passion for representing that which is, comes from the fact that the artist hopes that hav-ing seen clearly and having fixed that which is, he will understand the meaning of that which is.
2) In every art there are two departures from the way, vulgarity and artificiality. Between them both there is only a narrow path. And this narrow path is outlined by impulse. If you have impulse and direction, you pass by both dangers. Of the two, the more terrible is artificiality.
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3) It is impossible to compel reason to exam-ine and clarify that which the heart does not wish.
4) It is bad when reason wishes to give the meaning of virtue to selfish efforts.
Kudinenko 43 was here. A remarkable man. N. took the oath and is serving. 44 A letter from Makovitsky 45 with an article on the Naz-arenes. 46 Jan. 24. Moscow. If I live.
Jan. 25. Moscow.
During these two days the chief event was the death of Nagornov. Always new and full of meaning is death. It occurred to me : they repre-sent death in the theatre. Does it produce Koooooo of that impression which the nearness of a real death produces?
I continue writing the drama. I have written four acts. All bad. But it is beginning to re-semble a real thing. Jan. 26. Mosc. If I live.
January 26. Moscow.
I am alive, but I don’t live. Strakhov to-day I heard of his death. 47 To-day they buried Nagornov and that is news. I lay down to sleep, but could not sleep, and there appeared before me so clearly and brightly, an un-derstanding of life whereby we would feel
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ourselves to be travellers. Before us lies a stage of the road with the same well-known conditions. How can one walk along that road otherwise than eagerly, gaily, friendly, and ac-tively together, not grieving over the fact that you yourself are going away or that others are going ahead of you thither, where we shall again be still more together.
To-day I wrote a postscript to the letter to Crosby. A good letter from Kenworthy. Un-pleasantness with N. He is a journalist. Jan. 26 . Moscow. If I live.
Almost a month that I have made no entries. Today, Feb. 13, Moscow.
I wanted to go to the Olsuphievs. 48 …. There is much bustle here and it takes up much time. I sit down late to my work and there-fore write little. I finished somehow the fifth act of the drama and took up Resurrection. I read over eleven chapters and am gradually ad-vancing. I corrected the letter to Crosby.
An event an important one Strakhov’s death, and something else Davydov’s conversa-tion with the Emperor. 49
The article by Ertel 50 that the efforts of the lib-erals are useful, and also the letter by Spielhagen on the same theme, 51 provoke me. But I can not, I must not write. I have no time. The letters
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from Sopotsko 52 and Zdziekhovsky 53 on the Orthodox Church and on the Catholic, provoke me on the other hand. However, I shall hardly write. But here yesterday I received a letter from Grinevich’s 54 mother on the religious bringing up of children. That I must do. At least I must use all my strength to do this.
Very much music it is useless. … As re-gards religion, I am very cool at present.
Thought during this time (much I have forgot-ten and have not written down) :
i ) Oh, not to forget death for a moment, into which at any moment you can fall! If we would only remember that we are not standing upon an even plain (if you think we are standing so, then you are only imagining that those who have gone away have fallen overboard and you yourself are afraid that you will fall overboard), but that we are rolling on, without stopping, running into each other, getting ahead and being got ahead of, yonder behind the curtain which hides from us those who are going away, and will hide us from those who remain. If we remember that always, then, how easy and joyous it is to live and roll together, yonder down the same incline, in the power of God, with Whom we have been and in Whose power we are now and will be after-wards and forever. I have been feeling this very keenly.
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2) There is no more convincing proof of the existence of God, than the faculty of the soul by which we can transport ourselves into other be-ings. Out of this faculty flows both love and rea-son, but neither one nor the other is in us, but they are outside of us and we only coincide with them. (Unclear.)
3 ) The power to kill oneself is free play given to people. God did not want slaves in this life, but free workers. If you remain in this life, then it means that its conditions are advantageous to you. If advantageous then work. If you go away from the conditions here, if you kill yourself, then the same thing will be put before you again there. So there is nowhere to go.
It would be good to write the history of what a man lives through in this life who committed sui-cide in a past life; how, coming up against the same requirements which were placed before him in the other life, he comes to the realisation that he must fufil them. And in this life he is more intelligent than in the others, remembering the lesson given him.
4) How does it happen that a clever, educated man believes in the nonsensical? Man thinks that which his heart desires. Only if his heart desires the truth, and only if it does, will he think the truth. But if his heart desires earthly pleasures and peace, he will think of that which will bring
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him earthly pleasures and peace or still something else. But as it is not an attribute of man to have earthly pleasures and peace, he will think falsely; and to be able to think falsely he will hypnotise himself.
(Unclear, not good.) Feb. 14. M. If I live.
To-day February 22. Nicholskoe, at the Olsu-phievs. 55
It is already more than a week that I feel de-pressed in spirit. No life; I can not work on any-thing. Father of my life and of all life ! If my work is already finished here, as I am beginning to think, and the ending of my spiritual life, which I am beginning to feel, means a transfer into that other life that I am already beginning to live there and that here these remnants are being taken away little by little then show it to me more clearly that I may not seek and weary myself. Otherwise it seems to me that I have many well-thought plans, yet I have no means, not only for carrying them through this I know, I ought not to think of but even to do something good, something pleasing to Thee as long as I live here. Or give me strength to work with the consciousness of serving Thee. Still, Thy will be done. If only I always felt that life consisted only in the ful-
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filment of Thy will, I would not doubt. But doubt comes because I bite the bit and don’t feel the reins.
It is now 2 o’clock. I am going to dinner. I took a walk, slept in the morning, read Trilby. And I want to sleep all the time.
During this time, what has happened? Almost nothing. I thought on the
