I am still writing December the 20th, Moscow.
Still the same depression. Father, help me. Relieve me. Strengthen Thyself in me, vanquish, drive forth, destroy, the foul flesh and all that I feel through it.
. . . Father, help me. Moreover, I feel better already. What is especially calming is the task, the test of humility, of humiliation, an entirely
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unexpected, exceptional humiliation. In chains, in a prison, one can pride oneself on one’s humili-ation, but here it is only painful, unless one accepts it as a trial sent by God. Yes, learn to bear calmly, joyfully and to love.
December 21. Moscow.
I am learning badly. I continually suffer, help-lessly, weakly. Only in rare moments do I rise to the consciousness of the whole of my life (not only this one) and my duties in it.
I thought (and felt) : There are people lack-ing both in aesthetic feeling and in the ethical (es-pecially the ethical), to whom it is impossible to instil that which is good the less so when they do and love that which is bad, and think that the bad is good . . .
December 22, Moscow, if I live, which is get-ting to be very doubtful; my heart does not stop aching. Almost nothing gives me rest. To-day Posha alone refreshed me. It is so disgusting I want to cry over myself, over the remnant of my life which is being futilely ruined. But per-haps it must be so, yes, in fact, it must be so …
December 25, Moscow.
9 o’c. at night. Spiritually I feel better. But I have no intellectual, artistic work, and I am mel-ancholy. Just now I felt that particular Christ-
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mas softening and gentleness, and poetical im-pulse. My hands are cold, I want to cry and to love . . .
December 26, Moscow.
I am still not writing anything, but I feel my thoughts revive. The devil still does not leave me.
I thought to-day about The Diary of a Mad Man. 16 * The principal thing is that I have un-derstood my filial relation to God, brotherhood, and my attitude to the whole world has changed.
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Jan. 5, Moscow.
There is still nothing good to write about my-self. I feel no need of working and the devil does not leave me. Have been ill for about 6 days.
Began to reread Resurrection and reached up to his decision to marry and threw it away with disgust. It is all untrue, invented, weak. It is hard to repair a spoiled thing. In order to re-pair it, there is necessary: i) alternately to describe his feeling and life, and hers, 168 and 2) sympathetically and seriously hers, and critically and with a smile, his. I shall hardly finish it. It is all very spoilt.
Yesterday I read Arkhangelsky’s 16T article “ Whom to Serve “ and was very delighted.
Have finished the notebook. And here I am writing from it:
1 ) My article on … must be written for the people . . .
2) (For The Notes of a Madman or for The Drama). Despair because of madness and wretchedness of life. Salvation from this despair in the recognition of God and one’s filial-ity to Him. The recognition of filiality is the
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recognition of brotherhood. The recognition of the brotherhood of man and the cruel, brutal, un-brotherly arrangement of life which is justified by people leads inevitably to a recognition of one’s own insanity or that of the whole world.
3) I read Nakashidze’s 188 letter about the Congress of the Dukhobors, where they dis-cussed social questions. Here is an instance of the possibility of administration without violence. One condition is necessary no, two conditions: the respect of the youth and of the spiritually weak in general, to the resolutions of the elected elders, the spiritually stronger the “ little old men “ as the Dukhobors call them; and the second condition that these “ little old men “ be rational and loving. At this Congress the question of uniting property (in common), was discussed and the “ little old men “ were in favour of it, but con-stantly repeated : “ Only let there be no violence, let things be done voluntarily.”
Among the people and the Dukhobors this re-spect and recognition of the necessity of fulfilling the resolutions of the old men exist. And all this without forms; the election of the elders and the methods of agreement.
4) No matter how you grind a crystal, how you dissolve it, compress it, it will mould itself again at the first opportunity into the same form. And so the structure of society will be always the
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same, no matter to what changes you submit it. The form of a crystal will only then be changed when chemical changes occur in it, inner ones; the same with society.
5) It would be good to write a preface to Spier 169 containing the following :
The world is such as we see it, only if there do not exist any other beings differently built from us and endowed with other senses than ours. If we see not only the possibility, but the necessity, of the existence of other beings endowed with other senses than ours, then the world is in no case, merely such as we see it. Our imagination of the world shows only our attitude to the world, just as the visual picture which we form for our-selves from what we see as far as the horizon and the sky represents in no way the actual outlines of the objects seen. The other senses, hearing, smell, principally touch, in verifying our visual impressions give us a more definite conception of the seen objects; but that which we know as broad, thick, hard or soft or how the things seen by us sound or smell, do not prove that we know these things fully and that if a new sense (above the five) were given us, it would not disclose to us that our conception of things formed by our five senses was not just as deceptive as that conception of the flatness of objects and their diminishing in perspective which sight only gives us.
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I see a man in the mirror, hear his voice and am fully convinced that he is a real man; but I ap-proach, I want to grasp his hand and I touch the glass of the mirror and see my delusion. The same thing must come to pass in a dying man; a new feeling is born which discloses to him (through his new feeling and the new knowledge it gives him) the delusion of recognising his body as himself, and of all that he recognised as exist-ing through the means of the senses of this body.
So that the world is certainly not such as we know it to be: let there be other instruments of knowledge and there will be another world.
But no matter how that which we consider as the world, our attitude to the world, should change one thing is unalterably such as we know it and is always unchanging, it is that which knows. And it knows not only in me, but in everything which knows. This thing which knows is the same everywhere and in everything and in itself. It is God, and it is that for some reason limited particle of God which composes our actual “ self.”
But what then, is this God, i. e., something eter-nal, infinite, omnipotent, which has become mor-tal, finite, weak? Why did God divide himself within himself? I do not know, but I know that this is so, and that in this is life. All that we know is nothing else than just such divisions of
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God. All that we know as the world is the knowl-edge of these divisions. Our knowledge of the world (that which we call matter in space and time) is the contact of the limits of our divinity with its other divisions. Birth and death are the transitions from one division into another.
6) The difference between Christian happiness and pagan is this, that the pagan seeks happiness, prepares it for himself, awaits it, demands it the Christian seeks, prepares, awaits and demands the kingdom of God and accepts happiness when it comes as something unexpected, undeserved, unprepared. And it is no less.
Jan. 18. Moscow.
Dismal, horrid. Everything repels me in the life they lead around me. Now I free myself from sadness and suffering, then again I fall into it. In nothing is it so apparent, as in this, how far I am from what I want to be. If my life were really entirely in the service of God, there would be nothing which could disturb it.
I am still writing on art. It is bad. A Duk-hobor was here.
Feb. 4. Nicholskoe with the Olsuphievs.
I am already here the 4th day and am inexpress-ibly sad. I am writing badly on art. I just now prayed and became horrified at how low I have
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fallen. I think, I ask myself, what am I to do; I doubt, I hesitate, as if I did not know or had for-gotten who I was and therefore what I was to do. To remember that I am not master, but servant and to do that to which I have been put. With what labour have I struggled and attained this knowledge, how undoubted
