Tolstoy’s Journal, Leo Tolstoy

Tolstoy’s Journal

Translated by Rose Strunsky 1917

1895

October

October 28. Yasnaya Polyana.

Have been thinking:
Have been thinking one thing: that this life which we see around us is a movement of matter according to fixed, well-known laws; but that in us we feel the presence of an altogether different law, having nothing in common with the others and re-quiring from us the fulfilment of its demands. It can be said that we see and recognise all the other laws only because we have in us this law. If we did not recognise this law, we would not recognise the others.

This law is different from all the rest, principally in this, that those other laws are outside of us and forces us to obey them; but this law is in us and more than in us; it is our very selves and there-fore it does not force us when we obey it, but on the contrary frees us, because in following it we become ourselves. And for this reason we are drawn to fulfil this law and we sooner or later will inevitably fulfil it. In this then consists the freedom of the will. This freedom consists in this, that we should recognise that which is namely that this inner law is ourselves.

This inner law is what we call reason, conscience, love, the good, God. These words have different meanings, but all from different angles mean one and the same thing. In our understanding of this inner law, the son of God, consists indeed the essence of the Christian doctrine.

The world can be looked upon in this way: a world exists governed by certain, well-known laws, and within this world are beings subject to the same laws, but who at the same time bear in them-selves another law not in accord with the former laws of the world, a higher law, and this law must inevitably triumph within these beings and defeat the lower law. And in this struggle and in the gradual victory of the higher law over the lower, in this only is life for man and the whole world.

Oct. 29. Yasnaya Polyana.
If I live.
November
Nov. 5. Y. P.
I have skipped 6 days. It seems to me, I thought little during this time: I wrote a little, chopped wood and was indisposed but lived through much. I lived through much, because in fulfilling a promise to S. 3 , I read through all my journals for the past seven years.
It seems to me, I am approaching a simple and clear expression of that by which I live. How good that I didn’t finish the Catechism ! 4 I think I shall write it differently and better, if the Father wishes it. I understand why it is impossible to say it quickly. If it could be said all at once, by what then would we live in the realm of thought? It will never be given me to go farther than this task.

I just took a walk and understood clearly why I can’t make Resurrection go better : it was begun falsely. I understood this in thinking over again the story: Who is Right? 5 (about children). I understood that one must begin with the life of the peasants, that they are the subject, they are positive, but that the other thing is shadow, the other thing is negative. And I understood the same thing about Resurrection. One must begin with her. 6 I want to begin immediately.
During this time there were letters : from Ken-worthy, 7 a beautiful one from Shkarvan, 8 and from a Dukhobor in Tiflis. 9
Have written to no one for a long time. Gen-eral indisposition and no energy. The stage man-ager and the decorator 10 were here, students from Kharkov against whom I think I did not sin, Ivan Ivanovich Bochkarev, 11 Kolasha. 12 . . .
Nov. 6. Y. P.
If I live.
November 7. Y. P.
I wrote a little these two days on the new Resur-rection. My conscience hurts when I remember how trivially I began it. So far, I rejoice when I think of the work as I am beginning it.
I chopped a little. I went to Ovsiannikovo, had a good talk with Maria Alexandrovna 13 and Ivan Ivanovich. 14 Waltz’s assistant was here and a Frenchman with a poem. . . .
November 8,9. Y. P.
Have written little on Resurrection. I was not disappointed, but I was weak.
Yesterday Dunaev 15 came. Chopped much yesterday, overtired myself. To-day I walked. I went to Constantine Bieli’s. 16 He is very much to be pitied. Then I walked in the village. It is good with them, but with us it is shameful. Wrote letters. Wrote to Bazhenov 17 and three others. Thought :
1 ) The. confirmation of the fact, that reason liberates the latent love in man for justice is the proverb, “ Comprendre c’est tout pardoner.” If you forgive a man, you will love him. To for-give means to cease to condemn and to hate.
2) If a man believes something at the word of another, he will lose his belief in that which he would have inevitably believed in, had he not trusted the other one. He who believes in … etc., ceases to believe in reason. They even say straight out, one ought not to believe in reason.
3) ….
A very interesting letter from Holland, about what a youth is to do who is called to military service, when he is the sole supporter of his mother. 18
November 10. Y. P.
Slept with difficulty. Weakness both physical and intellectual and for which I am at fault also moral. Rode horseback. Posha 19 arrived. … A wonderful French pamphlet about war. 20 Yes, 20 years are needed for that thought to be-come a general one. My head aches and seems to crackle and rumble. Father, help me when I am most weak that I may not fall morally. It is possible.
Nov. 11. Y.P.
If I live.
I write and think: it is possible that I won’t be. Every day I make attempts, and I get more accustomed to it.

To-day November 75.
I have been so weak all the time I could write nothing except a few letters. A letter to Shkarvan. There have been here, Dunaiev, Posha, Maria Vasilievna. 21 They left yesterday. Yes-terday also I went to see Maria Alexandrovna; she is ill. To-day Aunt Tanya 22 and Sonya came.
I didn’t sleep at night and therefore didn’t work. But I wrote on the girl Konefsky 23 and a little in my journal. I am reading Schopen-hauer’s 24 “Aphorisms.” Very good. Only put “ The service of God “ instead of “ The recogni-tion of the vanity of life,” and we agree.
Now 2 o’clock, I shall write out later what I have noted down. 25
December
1898
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December
1899
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December
December 7. Moscow.
Almost a month since I have made any entries. During this time we moved to Moscow. The weakness has passed a little, and I am working earnestly, though with little success, on the Declaration of Faith. 26 Yesterday I wrote a little article on whipping. 27 I lay down to sleep in the day and had just dozed off I felt as if some one jerked me; I got up, began to think about whipping, and wrote it out.
During this time, I went to the theatre 28 for the rehearsals of the Power of Darkness. Art, be-ginning as a game, has continued to be the toy of adults. This is also proved by music, of which I have heard much. It is ineffectual. On the contrary, it detracts when there is ascribed to it the unsuitable meaning which is ascribed to it. Realism, moreover, weakens its significance . . .
N. refused to serve in the military. I called on him. 29 Philosophov 30 died. . . . Wrote several worthless letters.
I have thought during this time much in meaning. Much of it I could not understand and have forgotten.
1) I have often wanted to suffer, wanted persecution. That means that I was lazy and didn’t want to work, so that others should work for me, torturing me, and I should only suffer.
2) It is terrible, the perversions … of the mind to which men expose children for their own purposes during the time of their education. The rule of conscious materialism is only explained by this. The child is instilled with such nonsense that afterwards the materialistic, limited, false conception, which is not developed to the conclusions which would show its falsity, appears like an enormous conquest of the intellect.
3) I made a note, “Violence frees,” and it was something very clear and important, and now I don’t remember what it was at all.
I have remembered. December 23. Violence is a temptation because it frees us from the strain of attention, from the work of reasoning: one must labour to undo a knot; to cut it, is shorter.
4) A usual perversion of reason, which is made through a violently enforced faith, is to make men satisfied either with idolatry or with materialism, which at bottom is one and the same thing. Faith in the reality of our conceptions is faith in an idol, and the consequences are the same; one must bring sacrifices to it.
5) I can imagine consciousness transferred to the life of the spirit to such a degree that the sufferings of the body would be met gladly.
6) A beautiful woman smiles, and we think that because she smiles she says something good and true when she smiles. But often the smile seasons something entirely foul.
7) Education. It is worth while occupying oneself with education, in order to