But I forgot this and I live a terribly selfish life, and therefore I am unhappy.
1 8) I went past the out-houses. I remem-bered the nights that I spent there, and the youth and the beauty of Duniasha (I never had any re-lation with her), her strong, womanly body. Where is it? It has been long nothing but bones. What are those bones? What is their relation to Duniasha? There was a time when those bones formed a part of that separate being which had been Duniasha. Then this being changed its centre and that which had been Duniasha became a part of another being, enormous, inconceivable to me in magnitude, which I call earth. We do not know the life of the earth, and therefore we think it dead, just like an insect who lives one hour
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thinks my body dead, because he does not see its movement.
19) Space is the relation of various limited be-ings among themselves. It exists. But time is only the relation of the movement of living beings among themselves, and the movement of matter which we consider dead.
20) The most horrible of all is intoxication: of wine, of games, of money greed, of politics, of art, of being in love. It is impossible to speak with such people as long as they haven’t slept it off. It is terrible. 230
The letter to Stockholm has been printed. Oct. 75. Y. P. If I live.
To-day Oct. 16. Y. P.
Did not write yesterday. My health is en-tirely improved. . . . From Olga Dieterichs, a letter from Chertkov. It is evident that as a re-sult, he and she also have lived through difficult times. 231
Last night and to-day, I wanted to write Hadji Murad. Began it. It has a semblance of some-thing, but I did not continue it, because I was not in full mastery. I ought not to spoil it by forc-ing. Up to now the Peterburaskia Viedomosti has not printed it. 282
I have noted :
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1 ) I have noted many resolutions, rules, which if I could remember, I would live well. But the rules are too many, and it is impossible to remem-ber them always. The same thing as to imitations of art: the rules are too many, and to remember them always is impossible; it ought to come from within, be guided by feeling. The same thing in life. If only you are touched by feeling, if you live in God, then you would not recede from a single rule and you would do more than is in the rules. If one could only always be in this state.
But to-day, just now, I was in the worst mood. I was angry with everything. What does it mean? How explain this state to oneself?
2) This explanation came to me: the soul, the spiritual essence, can live in its own centre or within its own limits. Living in itself, it is not conscious of its limits; living in the periphery it incessantly and painfully feels its limits. A re-lease from this state is the recognition of the illu-sion of the material world, to go away from the limits, to concentrate in oneself. (Unclear.) Oct. 17. Y. P. If I live.
Oct. 77. 7. P. 12 midnight.
. . . Help me, Lord, to act not according to my will, but according to Thine. Received a letter
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from N about Beller and other ministers who preach the inconsistency of military service and Christianity, 233 and about Chertkov, that he was fussy, had sinned and had fallen ill. 234
Am correcting the loth chapter, it is about to be sent off. 235 . . . My letter was printed in the Peterburgskia Fiedomosti.
I thought: The road of all evil and of all suf-fering is not so much ignorance as false knowl-edge deception. The Appeal ought to be fin-ished with an appeal for all to help towards the abolition of deception. Oct. 18. Yasn. Pol. If I live.
Yesterday I made no notes; to-day Oct. ig. Y.P.
. . . Both yesterday and to-day I felt great apathy, although I was well. I don’t feel like working. Corrected Chapters 13, 14, 15. I re-ceived the re-copied chapters from Moscow and the conclusion. Yesterday I went to Yasenki. To-day I chopped wood and carried it. Novikov was here. Viacheslav 236 spent the night. To-day a letter from Boulanger. I want to write to him right away and to my wife. I ought to write to Salomon.
Solitude nevertheless is very pleasant. Oct. 20. Y. P. If I live.
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To-day Oct. 21. Y. P.
Received proof of the Carpenter article from Sieverni Viestnik and began to write a preface. Corrected Art, received letters from Chertkov and Boulanger.
Yesterday my work didn’t go. Went to Ya-senki.
Just now, remaining alone after my work, I asked myself what I should do, and having no personal desire (except the bodily demands aris-ing only when I want to eat or sleep) I felt so keenly the joy of the knowledge of the Will of God, that I need and want nothing but to do what He wants. This feeling arose as a result of the question which I myself put to myself when I remained alone in the silence: Who am I? Why am I ? And the answer came so clearly by itself: No matter who and what I am, I have been sent by some one to do something. Well, let me do that work. And so joyously and so well did I feel my fusion with the Will of God.
This is my second live feeling for God. Then I simply felt love for God. At this moment, I cannot remember how it was; I only remember that it was a joyful feeling.
Oh, what happiness is solitude! To-day it is so good : you feel God. Oct. 22. Y. P. If I live.
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Oct. 22. Y. P.
I am writing in the evening. All day I did not feel like working. I slept badly. … I cor-rected the nth chapter in the morning, in the eve-ning I began the I2th. I was unable to do any-thing there is a boil on my head and my feet perspire. Is it from the honey? Aphanasi 887 and Maria Alexandrovna were here.
It is evening now. I am alone and horribly sad. I have neither doubts nor hurts, but am sad and want to cry. Oh, I must prepare myself more, more, for the new appointment.
A letter from Grot; 238 I ought to give him “ Concerning Art.”
Thought only this :
In childhood, youth, the senses (sens) are very definite, the limits are firm. The longer you live, the more and more do these limits become wiped out, the senses get dulled there is established a different attitude towards the world. Oct. 23. If I live.
Oct. 26. Y. P.
A very strange thing: It is the third day that I cannot write. Am displeased with everything that I have written. There is something new and very important for Art, but I cannot express it clearly in any way.
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A letter from Vanderveer. It is now morn-ing, will go to the post.
To-day Nov. 10. Y. P.
I have lived through much these two weeks. The work is still the same; I think I have finished it. To-day I have written letters and among them one to Grot to be set up in type. S was here, she left for Moscow from Pirogovo, where we went together. It was good there. Since I have come home, my back has ached and in the evening I have fever. Alexander Petrovich 239 is writing in the house. . . .
To-day I wrote 9 letters. One letter to Khil-kov, 240 remained. How terrible, his affair and condition. Mikhail Novikov was here and also a peasant-poet from Kazan.
Have been thinking:
1) The condition of people who are befogged by a false religion is just the same as in blind-man’s-buff : they tie their eyes, then they take them by their arms, and then they turn them around and finally let them go. The same with every-body. Without this they do not let them go. (For The Appeal.)
2) The most usual judgment about Christian-ity, especially among the new Nietzschean reason-ers, is that Christianity is a renunciation of dignity,
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a weakness, a submissiveness. It is just the con-trary. True Christianity demands above every-thing else the highest consciousness of dignity, a terrible strength and steadfastness. It is just the contrary: The admirers of strength ought to debase themselves before strength.
3 ) I walked in the village, and looked into the windows. Everywhere there was poverty and ignorance. And I thought of the former slav-ery. Formerly, the cause was to be seen, the chain which held them was to be seen; but now it is not a chain in Europe they are hairs, but they are just as many as those which held Gul-liver. With us the ropes are still to be seen, well let us say the twine; and there there are hairs, but they hold so tightly that the giant-people can-not move.
.There is one salvation :
