The day before yesterday I fell ill and I am still not well. 274 I am reading much. My heart is heavy. Evening. Dec. 27, ‘97. Moscow. If I live.
To-day, Dec. 29, ‘97. Moscow. Morning.
I thought of Hadji Murad. All day yesterday a comedy-drama, “ The Corpse,” 275 took shape. I am still unwell. Yesterday I was at Behrs’. 276
I have received letters with threats of killing. I regret that there are people who hate me, but it interests me little and it doesn’t disturb me at all.
Have jotted down something.
A conversation with N : what a pitiable youth : understanding everything and at the same time not having the capacity to put anything in the right place and therefore he is living in unimaginable confusion.
Have been thinking:
i ) They say usually that Christ’s teaching, the 186
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real Christ’s teaching . . . destroys all union, that it is a disuniting “ individualism.” How false this is I Christianity only therefore preaches personal salvation, “ individualism,” as they say, because this personal salvation is indispensable, accessible, joyous to all, and therefore inevitably unites peo-ple not mechanically by the pressure of force from without or by stirring with “ culture,” but chemically by an inner, indissoluble union.
2) Sometimes you complain that they do not love your soul, but love or do not love your body, and you are angry at them, condemning them, but you do not see that they cannot do otherwise : for them your soul, the holy of holies of your soul, that which as you know is the only real thing, the only thing that acts is nothing, be-cause it is invisible, like the chemical rays of the spectrum.
3) [There are people, mainly women, for whom the word is only the means for an attainment of an end, and it is entirely devoid of its funda-mental significance which is to be an expression of reality. These people are sometimes terribly strong. [Their advantage is like that which a man would have who in fencing took off the cork from the rapier. His adversaries are bound by condi-tions that . . . No, the comparison is not good. The best of all : they are like a gambler in cards, a sharper. I will find one.
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The examples of this are such: a man wants, for instance, to steal; he takes other people’s money; he says that he was charged to do it, they asked him to, and he believes that he was asked to. And the proof of the untruth of his evidence he refutes with a new lie. He kills: the murdered one suffered so, that he begged him to kill him. He wants to do something nasty or something foolish. Well, to turn all the furniture upside down or to debauch and he explains in detail, how it was recognised by doctors, that it was neces-sary to do this periodically, etc. And he convinces himself that it is so. But when this proves to be not so, he does not hear, he brings forth his own arguments and then at once forgets both his own arguments and other people’s. [These people are terrible, horrible.
4) The spiritualists say that after death the soul of people lives on and communicates with them. Soloviev, the father, 277 said truly, I re-member, that this is the Church dogma of saints, of their intercession and of prayers to them. Evgenie Ivanovich also said truly that as the Pash-kov Sect is a taking out of the dogma of the Re-demption alone and the adaptation of everything to it, so spiritualism is the taking out of the dogma of saints, and the adaptation of everything to it.
5) But I say the following in regard to this dogma of the soul : What we call the soul, is the
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divine, spiritual, limited in us in our bodies. Only the body limits this divine, this spiritual. And it is this limiting which gives it a form like a vessel gives form to a liquid or a gas which is enclosed in it. But we only know this form. Break the ves-sel and that which is enclosed in it will cease to have that form which it has and will spread out, be carried off. Whether it combines with other matter, whether it receives a new form we know nothing about this, but we know for a fact that it loses that form which it had when it was limited, because that which limited it was de-stroyed. The same with the soul. The soul af-ter death ceases to be the soul and remaining a spirit, a divine essence, becomes something other, such that we cannot judge.
I wrote the preface to Chertkov. 278 Dec. so. Moscow. If I live.
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1898
Two days have passed. Jan. 1st.
I meet the new year very sad, depressed, unwell. I cannot work and my stomach aches all the time.
Received a letter from Verhkolensk from Phe-doseev about the Dukhobors, a very touching one. 279
Still another letter from the editor The Adult about free love. 280 If I had time, I would like to write about this subject. Probably I shall write. The most important is to show that the whole matter lies in appropriating to oneself possibili-ties of the greatest enjoyment without thinking of consequences. Besides, they preach something which already exists and is very bad. Why would the absence of outer restraint 281 improve the whole thing? I am, of course, against any regulation and for full freedom, but the ideal is chastity and not pleasure.
I have been thinking during this time only one thing and it seems an important thing, namely :
i ) We all think that our duty, our vocation, is to do various things: bring up children, make a
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fortune, write a book, discover a law in science, etc. But for all the work is only one thing: to carry out one’s own life to act so that life would be a harmonious, good, and rational mat-ter. And the work ought to be not before people, to leave behind one a memory of a good life, but the work is before God: to present to Him one-self, one’s soul, better than it was, nearer to Him, more submissive to Him, more in harmony with Him.
To think so and principally to feel so is very difficult : One always wanders off for human praise. But it is possible and ought to be done.
Help me, Lord. I sometimes feel this and do at this moment. Jan. 2. Moscow. If I live.
To-day, already the 4th.
I am a little better. I want to work. Yester-day Stasov and Repine, 282 coffee. . . . When will I remember that much talk is much bother?
I received a pamphlet uncensored.
Only one thing has to be noted down: that all life is senseless, except that which has for its end the service of God, the service of the fulfilment of the work of God, which is unattainable to us. I shall write that out later. Now I am in a hurry.
Dear Masha arrived, later Tania with Sasha. 283 Jan. 5. Moscow. If I live.
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To-day, Jan. 13.
It is more than a week that I haven’t written and I have done almost nothing. I have been ill all the time, and depressed. At times, I am good and calm, and at times uneasy and not good. The day before yesterday was difficult. Then the peasants arrived: Bulakhov, with St., Pet, and two from Tula. I felt so light-hearted and ener-getic. One need not yield to one’s own circle, one can always enter the circle of God and His people.
It is long since I have been so depressed. A letter from Posha. Wrote to Posha, Ivan Mic-hailovich, Chertkov, Maude and Boulanger.
I am still endeavouring to find a satisfactory form for Hadji Murad and I still haven’t it, al-though it seems I am nearing it.
. . . To-day a telegram about the work, “ What is Art? “
Have made some notes and I think important ones.
i) Something of enormous importance and ought to be expounded well. Organisation, every kind of organisation, which frees from any kind of human, personal, moral duties. All the evil in the world comes from this. They flog people to death, they debauch, they becloud their minds and no one is to blame. In the tale of the resur-rection of hell, this is the most important and new means. 284
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2) Each one of us is that light, that divine essence, love, the Son of God, enclosed in a body, in limits, in the coloured lantern which’ we have painted with our passions and habits so that everything we see, we see only through this lan-tern. To raise oneself so as to see above it, is impossible; on top there is the same kind of glass through which we see even God, through the glass which we ourselves have painted. The only thing which we can do is not to look through the glasses, but to concentrate in ourselves, recognise our light and kindle it. And this is the one sal-vation from the delusions of life, from its suffer-ing, from its temptations. And this is joyful and always possible.
I do this, and it is good.
3) Dreams they are nothing else than the looking on the world not through the glasses, but only on the glasses, and on the interweaving of various designs interwoven on the glasses. In sleep you only see
