When I wrote out the notes, I forgot : i ) How absurd is the argument of the enemies of moral perfection, that a man, sacrificing him-self really, will sacrifice his perfection for the good of others, i.e., that a man is ready to become evil,
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in order to act well. If one understands by this that a man is ready to act badly before people, if only he could thereby fulfil the demands of his conscience and not serve a certain cause or even certain people, then this is true. The serving of a cause and of people can sometimes coincide, and can sometime not coincide with the demands of conscience; and not serving a certain cause or peo-ple, can sometimes coincide and can sometimes not coincide with the demands of conscience. These are individual cases.
2) To doubt that the source of all evil is false religious teaching, can only be done by a man who hasn’t thought of the causes of the daily manifesta-tions of social life. The causes of all these mani-festations are thoughts thoughts of people. How then could false thoughts not have an enor-mous influence on the social system? People, some of them, are well off in a false system based on false thoughts; it is natural that they support false thoughts, false-religious teaching.
3) I cannot write and I suffer, I force myself. How stupid! As if life lay in writing. It does not even lie in any outer activity. It is not as I will, but as Thou wilt. It is even fuller and more significant without writing. And here now I am learning to live without writing. And I am able to.
4) I see that I have made a note and have al-
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ready said it here, namely, that to perfect oneself does not mean to prepare oneself for a future life 29 (that is said for convenience, for simplicity of speech); but to perfect oneself means to get nearer to that basis of life for which time does not exist and therefore no death, i.e., to carry one’s “ self “ more and more away from the bodily life into the spiritual.
5) Evgenie Ivanovich says about N: she is at peace only when one occupies oneself with her. Any occupation with anything not concerning her, does not interest her. Every such occupation with other people offends her. It seems to her that she bears the life of every one near her, that with-out her everybody would be lost. For the least reproach, she insults every one. And in 10 min-utes she forgets it, and she hasn’t the least re-morse.
This is the highest degree of egotism and mad-ness, but there are many grades approaching this. At bottom, to think that I live for myself, for my own enjoyment, for fame, is absolute potential madness. In living it is impossible not to live for oneself, impossible not to defend oneself when attacked, 291 not to fall on the food when hungry; but to think that in this is life, and to use that very thought given you to see the impossibility of such a life, to use it for the strengthening of such a separate individual life, is absolute madness.
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6) A wife approaches her husband and caress-ingly speaks to him as she did not speak before. The husband is moved, but this is only because she has done something nasty.
7 ) Jean Grave, 292 “ L’individu et la Socle te” says that revolution will only then be fertile when I’individu will be strong-willed, disinterested, good, ready to help his neighbour, will not be vain, will not condemn others, will have the conscious-ness of his own dignity, i.e., will have all the merits of a Christian. But how will he acquire these virtues if he knows that he is only an acci-dental chain of atoms ? All these virtues are pos-sible, are natural, in fact, their absence is impossi-ble when there is a Christian world-point-of-view that is, that we are sons of God sent to do His Will; but in a materialistic world-point-of-view these virtues are inconsistent.
It is now past one. I am going downstairs. I am going to write to-morrow. Feb. 6. Moscow. If I live.
To-day, Feb. IQ. Moscow.
It is long since I have made any entries. 293 At first I was ill. For about 5 days I have been bet-ter. During this time I was correcting, putting in things and spoiling the last chapters of Art. I decided to send away Carpenter with the intro-duction to Sieverni Viestnik. Was correcting the
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preface also. The general impression of this arti-cle “ On Science “ as well as that of the 2Oth chap-ter is remorse. 294 I feel that it is right, that it is necessary, but it is painful that I hurt and grieve many good people who err. It is obvious that .0999 will not understand why and in the name of what I condemn science, and will be in-dignant. I should have done that with greater kindness. And in this I am guilty, but it is now too late.
The last time I wrote, I expressed fear lest the carrying over of myself from this worldly life, the offending, the irritating one, into the life be-fore God, the eternal life (now, here) which I experienced would become lost, would become cal-loused. But here 13 days have passed and I still feel this and felt it all the time and rejoiced and am rejoicing.
Sometimes I begin to lay out patience, or hear an irritating conversation, contradiction, or am dissatisfied with my writing, with the condemna-tion of people, or I regret something and sud-denly I remember that it only seems so to me, because I am bent over searching on the floor, and it suffices to straighten up to my full height and everything that was disagreeable, irritating, not only vanishes, but helps the joys of triumph over my human weakness.
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suffering. Will it endure? It ought to endure. Help, Lord.
Otherwise I am very joyous.
I am joyous, that in old age there has been dis-closed absolutely a new condition of the great in-destructible good. And this is not imagination, but a change of soul as clearly perceived as warmth and cold, it is a going over from confu-sion, suffering, to a clearness and peace and a going over which depends upon myself. Here, in truth, is where wings have sprouted. As soon as it becomes difficult, painful, to walk on foot, you spread the wings. Why not always then on wings? Evidently, I am still too weak; still un-trained; and perhaps a rest is necessary.
It is interesting to find out if this state is an attribute of old age, if young people can experi-ence it also? I think that they can. One must accustom oneself to this. This indeed is prayer.
‘ You must hide something, be afraid of some-thing, something tortures you, something is lack-ing,” and suddenly: there is nothing to hide, nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be tortured over, nothing to want. The main thing is to go away from the human court into God’s court.
Oh, if this would only hold out unto death! But even for that which I have experienced, I am grateful to Thee, Father.
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I jotted down the following:
1 ) People can in no way agree to the unreality of all that is material. “ But a table exists and always, even when I go out of the room it is there, and for all it is the same as it is for me,” they generally say. Well, and when you twist two fingers and roll a little ball under them do you not unquestionably feel two? It is certainly so, every time I take up a little ball in that way there are two and for every one who takes up a ball in that way there are two, and nevertheless there are no two little balls. In the same way, the table is a table only for the twisted fingers of my senses, but it is perhaps half a table, a thousandth of a table in fact, no part of a table at all, but something altogether different. So that what is real is only my ever recurring impression, con-firmed by the impressions of other people.
2) … I acted badly when I gave my estate to the children. It would have been better for them. Only it was necessary to have been able to do this without violating love, and I was un-able.
3) You are often surprised how intelligent, good people can defend cruelty, violence, savage superstitions . . . ? But it is sufficient to re-member the exilings, the oppressions, the offences, which are beginning to penetrate the working-classes and you see that this is only a feeling of
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self-preservation. Only by this is explained the tenacity of life. . . .
4) Pharesov told me about Malikov’s 295 teach-ing. All this was beautiful, all this was Chris-tian: be perfect like your Father; but it was not good that all this teaching had for its end influ-ence over people and not inner satisfaction, not an answer to the problem of life. Influence on oth-ers is the main Achilles’ heel.
So that my condition, which is false for people, is perhaps the very thing necessary.
5) … In order to wipe out one’s sin, one
