The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [1899
From the consciousness of limits comes also time. I have thought this out again and can express it in this way: Separateness, the non-all-comprehen-siveness of our selves, is expressed in recognising a part of moving matter as ourselves. The part of matter which we recognise as ourselves gives us an understanding of space; that part of motion which we recognise as ourselves gives us a con-ception of time.
Or, in other words : We cannot imagine a part of matter in any other way than in space. To imagine a part of motion, we cannot in any other way than in time. Space comes from the im-possibility of imagining two or many objects be-yond time. Time comes from the impossibility of imagining two, many objects beyond space. Space is the possibility of representing to one’s self two, many objects at one and the same time. Time is the possibility of representing to one’s self two, many objects, in one and the same space (one goes out, the other enters).
Divisions cannot be in one space, without time. If there were no time (motion) all objects in space would be unmoving and they would form not many objects, but one space, undivided and filled with matter. If there were no space, there could be no motion and our “ self “ would not be separated by anything from all the rest. My body understood by me as my “ self,” and
284
OCTOBER] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi
understanding all the rest, is that part of matter which moves for a definite time and occupies a definite space.
(Not good, unclear, perhaps even untrue.)
2) Anarchy does not mean the absence of in-stitutions, but only the absence of those institu-tions to which people are compelled to submit by force, but those institutions to which people sub-mit themselves voluntarily, rationally. It seems to me that otherwise there cannot be established and ought not to be, a society of beings endowed with reason.
3) “Why is it that after sin, suffering does not follow that person who committed the sin? Then he would see what ought not to be done “ because people live not separately but in so-ciety and if every one suffered from the sin of each one, then every one would have to resist it.
4) Conscience is the memory of society assimi-lated by separate individuals.
5 ) In old age you experience the same thing as on a journey. At first your thoughts are on that place from which you are going, then on the journey itself, and then on the place to which you are going.
I experience this more and more often, thinking of death.
6) It is true that a great sin might be beneficial, by calling forth repentance before God, independ-
285
The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [1899
ently from human judgment. Such a sin leads one away from the realm of human judgment, from vanity, which masters man, and hides from him his relation to God. 387
7) The physical growth is only a preparation of material for spiritual work, the service to God and man which begins with the withering of the body.
To-day Oct. 13. Y. P.
I am still not fully well. It is as it ought to be. But that does not hinder from living, think-ing and moving towards a fixed goal. Resurrec-tion advances poorly. Have sent away four chap-ters, I think not passable by the censor, but at least I think I have settled on one point, and that I won’t make any more great important changes. I do not cease thinking of brother Sergei, but be-cause of the weather and ill health I cannot make up my mind to go. . . . Sonya was in Moscow and is going again to-day. To-day I had a kind of intellectual idleness, not only to-day, but all these latter days. For Resurrection I have thought out good scenes. Concerning separate-ness which appears to us as matter in space and movement in time, I am thinking more and more often and more and more clearly.
I have also received Westrup’s pamphlets from America about the money, 388 which struck me by
286
OCTOBER] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi
explaining everything that was unclear in financial questions and reducing everything as it ought to be, to violence. … If I get time I will write it out. I have another important, joyous thought, although an old one, but which came to me as a new one and which makes me very happy, namely :
i) The principal cause of family unhappiness is because people are brought up to think that marriage gives happiness. Sex attraction induces to marriage and it takes the form of a promise, a hope, for happiness, which is supported by public opinion and literature; but marriage is not happi-ness, but always suffering, which man pays for the satisfaction of his sex desire. Suffering in the form of lack of freedom, slavery, over-satiety, disgust of all kinds of spiritual and physical de-fects of the mate which one has to bear; malicious-ness, stupidity, falsity, vanity, drunkenness, lazi-ness, miserliness, greed and corruption all de-fects which are especially difficult to bear when not in oneself but in another person, and from which one suffers as if they were one’s own; and the same with physical defects: ugliness, uncleanliness, stench, sores, insanity, etc., which are even more difficult to bear when not in oneself. All this, or at least something of this, will always be and to bear them will be difficult for every one. But that which ought to compensate: the care, satis-
287
The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [1899
faction, aid, all these things are taken as a matter of course; while all defects as if they were not a matter of course, and the more one expected happi-ness from marriage the more one suffers.
The principal cause of this suffering, is that one expects that which does not happen, and does not expect that which always happens. And there-fore escape from this suffering is only by not ex-pecting joys, but by expecting the bad, being pre-pared to bear them. If you expect all that which is described in the beginning of “ The Thousand and One Nights,” if you expect drunkenness, stench, disgusting diseases then obstinacy, un-truthfulness, even drunkenness, can, if not exactly be forgiven, at least be a matter of no suffering and one can rejoice that there is absent that which might have been, that which is described in “ The Thousand and One Nights “ : that there is no insanity, cancer, etc. And then everything that is good will be appreciated.
But is it not in this, that the principal means of happiness in general lie ? And is it not therefore that people are so often unhappy, especially the rich ones? Instead of recognising oneself in the condition of a slave who has to labour for him-self and for others, and to labour in the way that the master wishes, people imagine that every kind of pleasure awaits them, that their whole work lies in enjoying them. How not be unhappy un-
288
OCTOBER] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi
der this circumstance? Then everything: work and obstacles and illnesses the necessary con-ditions of life appear as unexpected, terrible calamities. The poor, therefore, are less often unhappy: they know beforehand that before them lie labour, struggle, obstacles, and therefore they appreciate everything which gives them joy. But the rich, expecting only joys, see a calamity in every obstacle, and do not notice and do not ap-preciate those goods which they are enjoying. “ Blessed be the poor, for they shall be comforted; the hungry, for they shall be fed; and woe unto ye, the rich.” Oct. 14. Y. P. If I live.
Oct. 27. Y. P.
We are living alone: . . . Olga, 389 Andrusha, Julie 390 and Andrei Dmitrievich. 391 Everything is all right, but I am often indisposed: there are more ill days than healthy ones and therefore I write little. Sent off 19 chapters, 392 very much unfinished. I am working on the end. I have thought much, and perhaps well: i) About the freedom of the will, simply: Man is free in everything spiritual, in love: he can love or not love, more and less. In every-thing remaining he is not free, consequently in everything material. Man can direct and not di-rect his strength towards the service of God. In
289
The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [1899
this one thing (but it is an enormous thing), he is free : he can pull or be driven.
2) … of the workers, prostitution and many other things, all this is a necessary, inevitable con-sequence and condition of the pagan order of life in which we live, and to change either one or many of these, is impossible. What is to be done? Change the very order of this life, that on which it stands. How? By this, in the first place, by not taking part in this order, in that which sup-ports it … etc. And, second, to do that in which man alone is absolutely free : to change self-ishness in his soul and everything which flows from it: malice, greed, violence, and everything else by love and by all that which flows from it: reason-ableness, humility, kindness and the rest. It is impossible to turn back the wheel of a machine by force, they are all bound together with cogs and other wheels but to let the steam go which will move them or not let it go is easy; thus it is terribly difficult to change the very outer con-ditions of life, but to be good or
