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[Enter Sir John and Mr. Kelvil.]
LADY HUN. Well, Mr. Kelvil, have you got through your work?
KEL. I have finished my writing for the day, Lady Hunstanton. It
has been an arduous task. The demands on the time of a public
man are very heavy now-a-days, very heavy indeed. And I don't
think they meet with adequate recognition.
LADY CAR. John, have you got your overshoes on?
SIR JOHN. Yes, my love.
LADY CAR. I think you had better come over here, John. It is more
sheltered.
SIR JOHN. I am quite comfortable, Caroline.LADY CAR. I think not, John. You had better sit beside me.
[Sir John rises and goes across.]
LADY STU. And what have you been writing about this morning,
Mr. Kelvil?
KEL. On the usual subject, Lady Stutfield. On Purity.
LADY STU. That must be such a very, very interesting thing to write
about.
KEL. It is the one subject of really national importance,
now-a-days, Lady Stutfield. I purpose addressing my constituents
on the question before Parliament meets. I find that the poorer
classes of this country display a marked desire for a higher
ethical standard.
LADY STU. How quite, quite nice of them.
LADY CAR. Are you in favour of women taking part in politics,
Mr. Kettle?
SIR JOHN. Kelvil, my love, Kelvil.
KEL. The growing influence of women is the one reassuring thing in
our political life, Lady Caroline. Women are always on the side
of morality, public and private.
LADY STU. It is so very, very gratifying to hear you say that. LADY HUN. Ah, yes! the moral qualities in women- that is the
important thing. I am afraid, Caroline, that dear Lord
Illingworth doesn’t value the moral qualities in women as much
as he should.
[Enter Lord Illingworth.]
LADY STU. The world says that Lord Illingworth is very, very
wicked.
LORD ILL. But what world says that, Lady Stutfield? It must be the
next world. This world and I are on excellent terms. [Sits down
beside Mrs. Allonby.]
LADY STU. Every one I know says you are very, very wicked.
LORD ILL. It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about,
now-a-days, saying things against one behind one's back that are
absolutely and entirely true.
LADY HUN. Dear Lord Illingworth is quite hopeless, Lady Stutfield.
I have given up trying to reform him. It would take a Public
Company with a Board of Directors and a paid Secretary to do
that. But you have the secretary already, Lord Illingworth,
haven't you? Gerald Arbuthnot has told us of his good fortune;
it is really most kind of you.
LORD ILL. Oh, don't say that, Lady Hunstanton. Kind is a dreadful
word. I took a great fancy to young Arbuthnot the moment I met
him, and he'll be of considerable use to me in something I am
foolish enough to think of doing.
LADY HUN. He is an admirable young man. And his mother is one of my
dearest friends. He has just gone for a walk with our pretty
American. She is very pretty, is she not?
LADY CAR. Far too pretty. These American girls carry off all the
good matches. Why can't they stay in their own country? They are
always telling us it is the Paradise of women.
LORD ILL. It is, Lady Caroline. That is why, like Eve, they are so
extremely anxious to get out of it.
LADY CAR. Who are Miss Worsley's parents? LORD ILL. American women are wonderfully clever in concealing their
parents.
LADY HUN. My dear Lord Illingworth, what do you mean? Miss Worsley,
Caroline, is an orphan. Her father was a very wealthy
millionaire, or philanthropist, or both, I believe, who
entertained my son quite hospitably, when he visited Boston. I
don’t know how he made his money, originally.
KEL. I fancy in American dry goods.
LADY HUN. What are American dry goods?
LORD ILL. American novels.
LADY HUN. How very singular!… Well, from whatever source her
large fortune came, I have a great esteem for Miss Worsley. She
dresses exceedingly well. All Americans do dress well. They get
their clothes in Paris.
MRS. ALL. They say, Lady Hunstanton, that when good Americans die
they go to Paris.
LADY HUN. Indeed? And when bad Americans die where do they go?
LORD ILL. Oh, they go to America.
KEL. I am afraid you don’t appreciate America, Lord Illingworth. It
is a very remarkable country, especially considering its youth.
LORD ILL. The youth of America is their oldest tradition. It has
been going on now for three hundred years. To hear them talk one
would imagine they were in their first childhood. As far as
civilisation goes they are in their second.
KEL. There is undoubtedly a great deal of corruption in American
politics. I suppose you allude to that?
LORD ILL. I wonder.
LADY HUN. Politics are in a very sad way everywhere, I am told.
They certainly are in England. Dear Mr. Cardew is ruining the
country. I wonder Mrs. Cardew allows him. I am sure, Lord
Illingworth, you don’t think that uneducated people should be
allowed to have votes?
LORD ILL. I think they are the only people who should.
KEL. Do you take no side then in modern politics, Lord Illingworth?
LORD ILL. One should never take sides in anything, Mr. Kelvil.
Taking sides is the beginning of sincerity, and earnestness
follows shortly afterwards, and the human being becomes a bore.
However, the House of Commons really does very little harm. You
can’t make people good by Act of Parliament- that is something.
KEL. You cannot deny that the House of Commons has always shown
great sympathy with the sufferings of the poor.
LORD ILL. That is its special vice. That is the special vice of the
age. One should sympathise with the joy, the beauty, the colour
of life. The less said about life’s sores the better, Mr. Kelvil.
KEL. Still our East End is a very important problem.
LORD ILL. Quite so. It is the problem of slavery. And we are trying
to solve it by amusing the slaves.
LADY HUN. Certainly, a great deal may be done by means of cheap
entertainments, as you say, Lord Illingworth. Dear Dr. Daubeny,
our rector here, provides with the assistance of his curates,
really admirable recreations for the poor during the winter. And
much good may be done by means of a magic lantern, or a
missionary, or some popular amusement of that kind.
LADY CAR. I am not at all in favour of amusements for the poor,
Jane. Blankets and coals are sufficient. There is too much love
of pleasure amongst the upper classes as it is. Health is what
we want in modern life. The tone is not healthy, not healthy at
all.
KEL. You are quite right, Lady Caroline.
LADY CAR. I believe I am usually right.
MRS. ALL. Horrid word «health.»
LORD ILL. Silliest word in our language, and one knows so well the
popular idea of health. The English country gentleman galloping
after a fox- the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
KEL. May I ask, Lord Illingworth, if you regard the House of Lords
as a better institution than the House of Commons?
LORD ILL. A much better institution, of course. We in the House of
Lords are never in touch with public opinion. That makes us a
civilised body.
KEL. Are you serious in putting forward such a view?
LORD ILL. Quite serious, Mr. Kelvil. [To Mrs. Allonby.] Vulgar
habit that is people have now-a-days of asking one, after one
has given them an idea, whether one is serious or not. Nothing
is serious except passion. The intellect is not a serious thing,
and never has been. It is an instrument on which one plays, that
is all. The only serious form of intellect I know is the British
intellect. And on the British intellect the illiterates play the
drum.
LADY HUN. What are you saying, Lord Illingworth, about the drum?
LORD ILL. I was merely talking to Mrs. Allonby about the leading
articles in the London newspapers.
LADY HUN. But do you believe all that is written in the newspapers?
LORD ILL. I do. Now-a-days it is only the unreadable that occurs.
[Rises with Mrs. Allonby.]
LADY HUN. Are you going, Mrs. Allonby?
MRS. ALL. Just as far as the conservatory. Lord Illingworth told me
this morning that there was an orchid there as beautiful as the
seven deadly sins.
LADY HUN. My dear, I hope there is nothing of the kind. I will
certainly speak to the gardener.
[Exeunt Mrs. Allonby and Lord Illingworth.]
LADY CAR. Remarkable type, Mrs. Allonby.
LADY HUN. She lets her clever tongue run away with her sometimes.
LADY CAR. Is that the only thing, Jane, Mrs. Allonby allows to run
away with her?
LADY HUN. I hope so, Caroline, I am sure.
[Enter Lord Alfred.]
Dear Lord Alfred, do join us. [Lord Alfred sits down beside Lady
Stutfield.]
LADY CAR. You believe good of every one, Jane. It is a great fault.
LADY STU. Do you really, really think, Lady Caroline, that one
should believe evil of every one?
LADY CAR. I think it is much safer to do so, Lady Stutfield. Until, of course, people are found out to be good. But that requires a
great deal of investigation, now-a-days.
LADY STU. But there
