LADY CAR. Lord Illingworth remarked to me last night at dinner that
the basis of every scandal is an absolutely immoral certainty.
KEL. Lord Illingworth is, of course, a very brilliant man, but he
seems to me to be lacking in that fine faith in the nobility and
purity of life which is so important in this country.
LADY STU. Yes, quite, quite important, is it not?
KEL. He gives me the impression of a man who does not appreciate
the beauty of our English home-life. I would say that he was
tainted with foreign ideas on the subject.
LADY STU. There is nothing, nothing like the beauty of home-life,
is there?
KEL. It is the mainstay of our moral system in England, Lady
Stutfield. Without it we would become like our neighbours.
LADY STU. That would be so, so sad, would it not?
KEL. I am afraid, too, that Lord Illingworth regards woman simply;
as a toy. Now, I have never regarded woman as a toy. Woman is
the intellectual help-meet of man in public as in private life.
Without her we should forget the true ideals. [Sits down beside
Lady Stutfield.]
LADY STU. I am so very, very glad to hear you say that.
LADY CAR. You a married man, Mr. Kettle?
SIR JOHN. Kelvil, dear, Kelvil.
KEL. I am married, Lady Caroline.
LADY CAR. Family?
KEL. Yes.
LADY CAR. How many?
KEL. Eight.
[Lady Stutfield turns her attention to Lord Alfred.]
LADY CAR. Mrs. Kettle and the children are, I suppose, at the
seaside? [Sir John shrugs his shoulders.] KEL. My wife is at the seaside with the children, Lady Caroline.
LADY CAR. You will join them later on, no doubt?
KEL. If my public engagements permit me.
LADY CAR. Your public life must be a great source of gratification
to Mrs. Kettle.
SIR JOHN. Kelvil, my love, Kelvil.
LADY STU. [To Lord Alfred.] How very, very charming those
gold-tipped cigarettes of yours are, Lord Alfred.
LORD ALF. They are awfully expensive. I can only afford them when
I’m in debt.
LADY STU. It must be terribly, terribly distressing to be in debt.
LORD ALF. One must have some occupation now-a-days. If I hadn’t my
debts I shouldn’t have anything to think about. All the chaps I
know are in debt.
LADY STU. But don’t the people to whom you owe the money give you a
great, great deal of annoyance?
[Enter Footman.]
LORD ALF. Oh, no, they write; I don't.
LADY STU. How very, very strange.
LADY HUN. Ah, here is a letter, Caroline, from dear Mrs. Arbuthnot.
She won't dine. I am so sorry. But she will come in the evening.
I am very pleased indeed. She is one of the sweetest of women.
Writes a beautiful hand too, so large, so firm. [Hands letter to
Lady Caroline.]
LADY STU. [Looking at it.] A little lacking in femininity, Jane.
Femininity is the quality I admire most in women.
LADY HUN. [Taking back letter and leaving it on table.] Oh! she is
very feminine, Caroline, and so good too. You should hear what
the Archdeacon says of her. He regards her as his right hand in
the parish. [Footman speaks to her.] In the Yellow Drawing-room.
Shall we all go in? Lady Stutfield, shall we go in to tea?
LADY STU. With pleasure, Lady Hunstanton. [They rise and proceed to
go off. Sir John offers to carry Lady Stutfield's cloak.]LADY CAR. John! If you would allow your nephew to look after Lady
Stutfield’s cloak, you might help me with my workbasket.
[Enter Lord Illingworth and Mrs. Allonby.]
SIR JOHN. Certainly my love. [Exeunt.]
MRS. ALL. Curious thing, plain women are always jealous of their
husbands, beautiful women never are!
LORD ILL. Beautiful women never have time. They are always so
occupied in being jealous of other people's husbands.
MRS. ALL. I should have thought Lady Caroline would have grown
tired of conjugal anxiety by this time! Sir John is her fourth!
LORD ILL. So much marriage is certainly not becoming. Twenty years
of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but twenty years of
marriage make her something like a public building.
MRS. ALL. Twenty years of romance! Is there such a thing?
LORD ILL. Not in our day. Women have become too brilliant. Nothing
spoils a romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.
MRS. ALL. Or the want of it in the man.
LORD ILL. You are quite right. In a Temple every one should be
serious, except the thing that is worshipped.
MRS. ALL. And that should be man?
LORD ILL. Women kneel so gracefully; men don't.
MRS. ALL. You are thinking of Lady Stutfield!
LORD ILL. I assure you I have not thought of Lady Stutfield for the
last quarter of an hour.
MRS. ALL. Is she such a mystery?
LORD ILL. She is more than a mystery- she is a mood.
MRS. ALL. Moods don't last.LORD ILL. It is their chief charm.
[Enter Hester and Gerald.]
GER. Lord Illingworth, every one has been congratulating me, Lady
Hunstanton and Lady Caroline, and... every one. I hope I shall make a good secretary.
LORD ILL. You will be the pattern secretary, Gerald. [Talks to him.]
MRS. ALL. You enjoy country life, Miss Worsley?
HES. Very much indeed.
MRS. ALL. Don’t find yourself longing for a London dinner-party?
HES. I dislike London dinner-parties.
MRS. ALL. I adore them. The clever people never listen, and the
stupid people never talk.
HES. I think the stupid people talk a great deal.
MRS. ALL. Ah, I never listen!
LORD ILL. My dear boy, if I didn’t like you I wouldn’t have made
you the offer. It is because I like you so much that I want to
have you with me. [Exit Hester with Gerald.]
Charming fellow, Gerald Arbuthnot!
MRS. ALL. He is very nice; very nice indeed. But I can’t stand the
American young lady.
LORD ILL. Why?
MRS. ALL. She told me yesterday, and in quite a loud voice too,
that she was only eighteen. It was most annoying.
LORD ILL. One should never trust a woman who tells one her real
age. A woman who would tell one that would tell one anything.
MRS. ALL. She is a Puritan besides-
LORD ILL. Ah, that is inexcusable. I don’t mind plain women being
Puritans. It is the only excuse they have for being plain. But
she is decidedly pretty. I admire her immensely. [Looks
steadfastly at Mrs. Allonby.]
MRS. ALL. What a thoroughly bad man you must be!
LORD ILL. What do you call a bad man?
MRS. ALL. The sort of man who admires innocence.
LORD ILL. And a bad woman?
MRS. ALL. Oh! the sort of woman a man never gets tired of.
LORD ILL. You are severe- on yourself.
MRS. ALL. Define us as a sex.
LORD ILL. Sphinxes without secrets.
MRS. ALL. Does that include the Puritan women?
LORD ILL. Do you know, I don’t believe in the existence of Puritan
women? I don’t think there is a woman in the world would not be
a little flattered if one made love to her. It is that which
makes women so irresistibly adorable.
MRS. ALL. You think there is no woman in the world who would object
to being kissed?
LORD ILL. Very few.
MRS. ALL. Miss Worsley would not let you kiss her.
LORD ILL. Are you sure?
MRS. ALL. Quite.
LORD ILL. What do you think she’d do if I kissed her?
MRS. ALL. Either marry you, or strike you across the face with her
glove. What would you do if she struck you across the face with
her glove?
LORD ILL. Fall in love with her, probably.
MRS. ALL. Then it is lucky you are not going to kiss her!
LORD ILL. Is that a challenge?
MRS. ALL. It is an arrow shot into the air.
LORD ILL. Don’t you know that I always succeed in whatever I try?
MRS. ALL. I am sorry to hear it. We women adore failures. They lean
on us.
LORD ILL. You worship successes. You cling to them.
MRS. ALL. We are the laurels to hide their baldness.
LORD ILL. And they need you always, except at the moment of triumph.
MRS. ALL. They are uninteresting then.
LORD ILL. How tantalising you are! [A pause.]
MRS. ALL. Lord Illingworth, there is one thing I shall always like
you for.
LORD ILL. Only one thing? And I have so many bad qualities.
MRS. ALL. Ah, don’t be too conceited about them. You may lose them
as you grow old.
LORD ILL. I never intend to grow old. The soul is born old but
grows young. That is the comedy of life.
MRS. ALL. And the body is born young and grows old. That is life’s
tragedy.
LORD ILL. Its comedy also, sometimes. But what is the mysterious
reason why you will always like me?
MRS. ALL. It is that you have never made love to me.
LORD ILL. I have never done anything else.
MRS. ALL. Really? I have not noticed it.
LORD ILL. How fortunate! It might have been a tragedy for both of
us.
MRS. ALL. We should each have survived.
LORD ILL. One can survive everything now-a-days, except death, and
live down anything except a good reputation.
MRS. ALL. Have you tried a good reputation?
LORD ILL. It is one of the many annoyances to which I have never
been subjected.
MRS. ALL. It may come.
LORD ILL. Why do you threaten me?
MRS. ALL. I will tell you when you have kissed the Puritan.
[Enter Footman.]
FRAN. Tea is served in the Yellow Drawing-room, my lord.
LORD ILL. Tell her ladyship we are coming in. [Exit.]
FRAN. Yes, my lord.
LORD ILL. Shall we go in to tea?
MRS. ALL. Do you like such simple pleasures?
LORD ILL. I adore simple pleasures. They are the last refuge of the
complex. But, if you wish, let us stay here. Yes, let us stay
here. The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a
garden.
MRS. ALL. It ends
