towards him laughing.] Ah! you may laugh, my boy, but it is a
great thing to come across a woman who thoroughly understands
one.
DUM. It is an awfully dangerous thing. They always end by marrying
one.
CEC. But I thought, Tuppy, you were never going to see her again.
Yes! you told me so yesterday evening at the club. You said
you’d heard- [Whispering to him.]
LORD AUG. Oh, she’s explained that.
CEC. And the Wiesbaden affair?
LORD AUG. She’s explained that too.
DUM. And her income, Tuppy? Has she explained that?
LORD AUG. [In a very serious voice.] She’s going to explain that
to-morrow.
[Cecil Graham goes back to C. table.]
DUM. Awfully commercial, women now-a-days. Our grandmothers threw
their caps over the mills of course, but, by Jove, their
granddaughters only throw their caps over mills that can raise
the wind for them.
LORD AUG. You want to make her out a wicked woman. She is not!
CEC. Oh! Wicked women bother one. Good women bore one. That is the
only difference between them.
LORD AUG. [Puffing a cigar.] Mrs. Erlynne has a future before her.
DUM. Mrs. Erlynne has a past before her.
LORD AUG. I prefer women with a past. They're always so demmed
amusing to talk to.
CEC. Well, you'll have lots of topics of conversation with her ,
Tuppy. [Rising and going to him.]
LORD AUG. You're getting annoying, dear boy; you're getting demmed
annoying.
CEC. [Puts his hands on his shoulders.] Now, Tuppy, you've lost
your figure and you've lost your character. Don't lose your
temper; you have only got one.
LORD AUG. My dear boy, if I wasn't the most good-natured man in
London-
CEC. We'd treat you with more respect, wouldn't we, Tuppy? [Strolls away.]
DUM. The youth of the present day are quite monstrous. They have
absolutely no respect for dyed hair. [Lord Augustus looks round
angrily.]
CEC. Mrs. Erlynne has a very great respect for dear Tuppy.
DUM. Then Mrs. Erlynne sets an admirable example to the rest of her
sex. It is perfectly brutal the way most women now-a-days behave
to men who are not their husbands.
LORD WIN. Dumby, you are ridiculous, and Cecil, you let your tongue
run away with you. You must leave Mrs. Erlynne alone. You don’t
really know anything about her, and you’re always talking
scandal against her.
CEC. [Coming towards him L. C.] My dear Arthur, I never talk
scandal. I only talk gossip.
LORD WIN. What is the difference between scandal and gossip?
CEC. Oh! gossip is charming! History is merely gossip…. But
scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. Now I never
moralize. A man who moralises is usually a hypocrite, and a
woman who moralises is invariably plain. There is nothing in the
whole world so unbecoming to a man as a Nonconformist
conscience. And most women know it, I’m glad to say.
LORD AUG. Just my sentiments, dear boy, just my sentiments.
CEC. Sorry to hear it, Tuppy; whenever people agree with me, I
always feel I must be wrong.
LORD AUG. My dear boy, when I was your age-
CEC. But you never were, Tuppy, and you never will be. [Goes up C.]
I say, Darlington, let us have some cards. You’ll play, Arthur,
won’t you?
LORD WIN. No, thanks, Cecil.
DUM. [With a sigh.] Good heavens! how marriage ruins a man! It’s as
demoralising as cigarettes, and far more expensive.
CEC. You’ll play, of course, Tuppy?
LORD AUG. [Pouring himself out a brandy and soda at table.]
Can’t, dear boy. Promised Mrs. Erlynne never to play or drink
again.
CEC. Now, my dear Tuppy, don’t be led astray into the paths of
virtue. Reformed, you would be perfectly tedious. That is the
worst of women. They always want one to be good. And if we are
good, when they meet us, they don’t love us at all. They like to
find us quite irretrievably bad, and to leave us quite
unattractively good.
LORD DAR. [Rising from R. table, where he has been writing letters.]
They always do find us bad!
DUM. I don’t think we are bad. I think we are all good except Tuppy.
LORD DAR. No, we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking
at the stars. [Sits down at C. table.]
DUM. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the
stars? Upon my word, you are very romantic to-night, Darlington.
CEC. Too romantic! You must be in love. Who is the girl?
LORD DAR. The woman I love is not free, or thinks she isn’t.
[Glances instinctively at Lord Windermere while he speaks.]
CEC. A married woman, then! Well, there’s nothing in the world like
the devotion of a married woman. It’s a thing no married man
knows anything about.
LORD DAR. Oh! she doesn’t love me. She is a good woman. She is the
only good woman I have ever met in my life.
CEC. The only good woman you have ever met in your life?
LORD DAR. Yes!
CEC. [Lighting a cigarette.] Well, you are a lucky fellow! Why, I
have met hundreds of good women. I never seem to meet any but
good women. The world is perfectly packed with good women. To
know them is a middle-class education.
LORD DAR. This woman has purity and innocence. She has everything
we men have lost.
CEC. My dear fellow, what on earth should we men do going about
with purity and innocence? A carefully thought-out buttonhole is
much more effective.
DUM. She doesn’t really love you then?
LORD DAR. No, she does not!
DUM. I congratulate you, my dear fellow. In this world there are
only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the
other is getting it. The last is much the worst, the last is a
real tragedy! But I am interested to hear she does not love you.
How long could you love a woman who didn’t love you, Cecil?
CEC. A woman who didn’t love me? Oh, all my life!
DUM. So could I. But it’s so difficult to meet one.
LORD DAR. How can you be so conceited, Dumby?
DUM. I didn’t say it as a matter of conceit. I said it as a matter
of regret. I have been wildly, madly adored. I am sorry I have.
It has been an immense nuisance. I should like to be allowed a
little time to myself, now and then.
LORD AUG. [Looking round.] Time to educate yourself, I suppose.
DUM. No, time to forget all I have learned. That is much more
important, dear Tuppy. [Lord Augustus moves uneasily in his
chair.]
LORD DAR. What cynics you fellows are!
CEC. What is a cynic? [Sitting on the back of the sofa.]
LORD DAR. A man who knows the price of everything, and the value of
nothing.
CEC. And a sentimentalist, my dear Darlington, is a man who sees an
absurd value in everything, and doesn’t know the market price of
any single thing.
LORD DAR. You always amuse me, Cecil. You talk as if you were a man
of experience.
CEC. I am. [Moves up to front of fireplace.]
LORD DAR. You are far too young!
CEC. That is a great error. Experience is a question of instinct
about life. I have got it. Tuppy hasn’t. Experience is the name
Tuppy gives to his mistakes. That is all. [Lord Augustus looks
round indignantly.]
DUM. Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
CEC. [Standing with his back to fireplace.] One shouldn’t commit
any. [Sees Lady Windermere’s fan on sofa.]
DUM. Life would be very dull without them.
CEC. Of course you are quite faithful to this woman you are in love
with, Darlington, to this good woman?
LORD DAR. Cecil, if one really loves a woman, all other women in
the world become absolutely meaningless to one. Love changes
one- I am changed.
CEC. Dear me! How very interesting! Tuppy, I want to talk to you.
[Lord Augustus takes no notice.]
DUM. It’s no use talking to Tuppy. You might just as well talk to a
brick wall.
CEC. But I like talking to a brick wall- it’s the only thing in the
world that never contradicts me! Tuppy!
LORD AUG. Well, what is it? What is it? [Rising and going over to
Cecil Graham.]
CEC. Come over here. I want you particularly. [Aside.] Darlington
has been moralising and talking about the purity of love, and
that sort of thing, and he has got some woman in his rooms all
the time.
LORD AUG. No, really! really!
CEC. [In a low voice.] Yes, here is her fan. [Points to her fan.]
LORD AUG. [Chuckling.] By Jove! By Jove!
LORD WIN. [Up by door.] I am really off now, Lord Darlington. I am
sorry you are leaving England so soon. Pray call on us when you
come back! My wife and I will be charmed to see you!
LORD DAR. [Up stage with Lord Windermere.] I am afraid I shall be
away for many years. Good-night!
CEC. Arthur!
LORD WIN. What?
CEC. I want to speak to you for a moment. No, do come!
LORD WIN. [Putting on his coat.] I can’t- I’m off!
CEC. It is something very particular. It will interest you
enormously.
LORD WIN. [Smiling.] It is some of your nonsense, Cecil.
CEC. It isn’t! It isn’t really!
LORD AUG. [Going to him.] My dear fellow, you mustn’t go yet. I
have a lot to talk to you about. And Cecil has something to show
you.
LORD WIN. [Walking over.] Well, what is it?
CEC. Darlington has got a woman here in his rooms. Here is her fan.
Amusing, isn’t it? [A pause.]
LORD WIN. Good God! [Seizes the fan- Dumby rises.]
CEC. What is the matter?
LORD WIN. Lord Darlington!
LORD DAR. [Turning round.] Yes!
LORD WIN. What is my wife’s fan doing here in your rooms? Hands
off, Cecil. Don’t touch me.
LORD DAR. Your wife’s fan?
LORD WIN. Yes, here it is!
LORD DAR. [Walking towards him.] I don’t know!
LORD WIN. You must know. I demand an explanation. Don’t hold me,
you fool. [To Cecil Graham.]
LORD DAR. [Aside.] She is here after all!
LORD WIN. Speak, sir! Why is my wife’s fan here? Answer me! By God!
I’ll search your rooms and if my wife’s here, I’ll- [Moves.]
LORD DAR. You shall not search my rooms. You have no right to do
so. I forbid you!
LORD WIN. You scoundrel! I’ll not leave your room till I have
searched every corner of
