The philosophical mottoes, they didn’t work?
FINN
Work! They lost me the use of friends, the respect of neighbors, the talk and the money of ancient customers, put my wife on my shoulders along with God, the Church, and Father Leary! Hooli-han, you and your “machines” have bent and broke me. Ah! Ah! Ah!
FINN’S hands sink to his sides. The remaining signs fall to the floor without breaking. FINN’S cries have become louder and louder; he grieves at his own wake. As he shouts his last “Ah,” THE SALESMAN picks up the two signs, uncertainly, whereupon the double doors flap wide and there, with imaginary sword unsheathed, stands FATHER LEARY.
FATHER Heeber Finn, did you call!
FINN {surprised) Did I? Why . . . so I did!
FATHER LEARY looks around, sees and stares at THE SALESMAN.
FATHER Is this the one, Finn?
THE SALESMAN (miffed) Is this the one what?
FINN That’s him, Father.
THE SALESMAN (faintly alarmed) That’s who?
FATHER (rubbing his hands together)
All right, then. All right.
THE SALESMAN Is it? What is?
FATHER (at the door) Men! Inside!
There is no instantaneous response, so FATHER LEARY lifts his voice and strikes out a pointing hand.
Timulty! Here! Nolan, not another step! Old Man, on the double! He holds the door wide, THE OLD MAN peers in.
THE OLD MAN (squinting right and left) Are they gone?
FATHER Are what gone?
THE OLD MAN (suspicious) The signs, Father.
FATHER Ah, come on, get in!
THE OLD MAN sidles in. NOLAN is behind him. All right, Nolan, don’t clog the door.
All the men shadow-sidle in, shy and uneasy, mouthing their caps with their hands. With his army assembled, FATHER LEARY turns to the astounded and now increasingly nervous SALESMAN.
THE SALESMAN What’s going on?
FATHER
Well may you ask! I call your attention first to the fact that the man’s wearing a suit and hat the color of burning ashes and black soot.
The men all gasp and nod in agreement.
THE SALESMAN {controlling himself)
Or, to put it another way, the suit was dyed this color in the factory and the rest is dirt from the roads of Eire!
FATHER LEARY is now slowly circling the man.
FATHER His eyes are green—
THE SALESMAN From my father!
FATHER His ears pointed—
THE SALESMAN From my mother!
THE OLD MAN What’s eatin’ the priest? I
NOLAN gives THE OLD MAN a fierce elbow in the ribs which shuts him. FATHER LEARY plants himself before THE SALESMAN.
FATHER Do you mind doing one thing, man?
THE SALESMAN What?
FATHER Would you take off your hat?
THE SALESMAN I will not!
FATHER He won’t take off his hat.
FINN I heard him!
THE SALESMAN The place is a tomb, I’d catch me death!
FATHER (hitching up his trousers under his skirt) All right, then! Let us see your feet!
THE SALESMAN They’re right down below for you to see!
FATHER Will you take off your shoes?
FINN That’s a fine idea, Father, his shoes!
THE SALESMAN
Ah, you’re both daft! If I won’t take off me hat I’m sure not to remove me shoes!
FATHER He refuses to take off his shoes!
THE SALESMAN What for, why?
FATHER You know as well as I, man!
FINN Slow down, Father, you’ve left us behind—
FATHER
Why, Finn, don’t you see, beneath them leather clogs, he’s got no toes!
THE MEN gasp.
It’s all fused into one! THE MEN lean and stare.
FINN
You mean—it’s hooves he’s got, instead of feet?
THE OLD MAN Hooves?
FATHER I didn’t say that.
THE SALESMAN
No—but you infer it! I will not be cudgeled into displaying my fearful corns and bunions, for that’s all that lies hidden there!
FATHER So you say! Finn!
FINN
Yes, Father?
FATHER Hang this bit of paper on the wall!
FINN
What is it, Father?
FATHER Me own sign!
THE SALESMAN Your sign? Now, that ain’t right, Father. Unfair competition!
FATHER . Look at him quail!
THE SALESMAN This ain’t quailing. I’m mad!
THE OLD MAN What’s it say, Finn?
FINN (peers at the paper) Sic tran—sight—glore—rye—ah—moon—day—
FATHER (correcting him) Sic transit gloria mundi!
All look at THE SALESMAN.
THE OLD MAN Look, he’s gone pale!
THE SALESMAN
I ain’t gone anywheres near pale! If anything, the blood pounds in me head!
THE OLD MAN What’s it mean?
FATHER It means we’re not long for this world! Post it, Finn.
FINN hustles to nail it on the wall.
FINN (squinting) You got a teeny fine hand, Father. You can’t see it six inches off!
THE OLD MAN Sick transits, what, what?
FATHER Gloria mundi!
THE OLD MAN And what does it mean again, Nolan?
FATHER
Everything passes away! (To THE SALESMAN) Including you, sir! Get out, begone! I banish you from Heeber Finn’s. I banish you from the streets of our town and the town itself!
THE SALESMAN (backing off)
You do indeed. It’s a bunch of holy nitwits from an asylum, the town is, I’ll not be back!
FATHER That you won’t.
FATHER LEARY advances upon the man, who backs to the door.
Get on! Go sell your pagan bits in Kennywell, St. Bridget’s and Meynooth!
THE SALESMAN And thanks, I will!
THE SALESMAN backs out. The double gates slam-wriggle.
FATHER Watch out! Don’t trip over your tail!
THE OLD MAN (spying out the window) There he goes! He does walk funny!
NOLAN is at the wall, squinting at the paper.
NOLAN (muttering) Sic transit—
All the men look proudly at FATHER LEARY, who turns to look at them.
FINN puts a glass on the bar and fills it. He nods, FATHER LEARY walks to the bar and looks at the drink.
FINN Thank you, Father.
FATHER LEARY picks up the drink, eyes it against the light.
FATHER It’s the least I could do, for an annex of the church!
He circles his drink to take in the whole of the pub. He downs the drink.
Well, now!
He walks back to the door.
THE OLD MAN
Father! Was it wise to tell him to go sell his heathen signs to other towns?
FATHER
Ah, that’s not my problem. That’s the problem of the good fathers in Kennywell, St. Bridget’s, and Meynooth. It’s good in a way that the Devil passes by and gives us a whack and a shake and wakes us up. If I had my mind, the Fiend would make a grand tour of Ireland twice a year!
THE OLD MAN And maybe he does, Father!
FATHER (muses) Yes. Maybe he does.
FINN Is he gone, now, Father?
FATHER LEARY peers OUt.
FATHER
The road is empty. Our trial is over. All right, then! Tonight, from seven till nine, the church is open, the booth waiting, and me inside the booth!
NOLAN We’ll be there, Father!
They hold out their drinks and drink to him.
FATHER (surprised and pleased) By God, I think you will!
He exits
There is a moment of silence.
TIMULTY (sighs) Well, this is a day will go down in Kilcock’s history.
CASEY It was a near thing. I almost went home to the wife . . .
TlMULTY
I almost put in for a job at the pusstoffice.
THE OLD MAN When the Father saved us all.
TIMULTY (musing)
It will be known as the day the Fiend was thrown out from Heeber Finn’s.
THE OLD MAN (nose to the wall, squinting) Sic transit gloria mundi.
NOLAN And what’s it mean?
THE OLD MAN (flaring) It’s Latin, dimwit! That’s what it means!
FINN has walked slow to the door to look out at the church.
FINN A strange man.
NOLAN The salesman?
FINN (shakes head)
Father Leary. Why, I ask myself, why did he tell the salesman to sell the pagan signs in Kennywell, Meynooth, and St. Bridget’s? Why? Why?
He turns to look at the others, and at the bar. Slowly, his eyes widen, his eyebrows go up, his mouth makes a smile. Suddenly he gives a great laugh.
Ah-hah! Wife!
HIS WIFE appears, arms over her bosom, glaring.
Bring more chairs! A dozen!
THE WIFE A dozen?
FINN Make it two dozen, three, five! And tables!
His WIFE Tables?
FINN By sundown tonight refugees will be pouring in here from—
THE OLD MAN (catching on) Kennywell?
NOLAN (enlightened) Meynooth?
CASEY And St. Bridget’s!
FINN
There’s no telling where from, how many, how long! It’ll be a grand week end! Woman—Kathleen, sweetheart, have a drink.
She hesitates, softens, takes the drink. He gives her a buss and a pinch, FINN raises his glass.
Here’s to not stopping, but going on as always and ever, with no consideration for one dainty moment about thinking and no doing save as how we always done. Casey, Nolan, Timulty, lend a hand!
NOLAN It’s lent!
The men rush in and out bringing tables and chairs, FINN, in the flurry, pours a line of little glasses full. On their way in and out the men grab and swallow, hurry on.
FINN (sings) “In life, in strife, With maid, with wife! It’s the drinkin’ . . . !”
THE OLD MAN (speaks, running) “Not the thinkin’f”
ALL (sing) “Makes it go!”
The Curtain falls on the beehive. And . . .

THE END

The Anthem Sprinters

CHARACTERS

THE YOUNG MAN (DOUGLAS)
HEEBER FINN
THE OLD MAN
TIMULTY
DOONE
O’GAVIN
FOGARTY
NOLAN
KELLY
CASEY, PEEVEY, and other assorted spectators, door-watchers, time-keepers and jormer champions of the Sprint.

At the rise of curtain we find ourselves not so much in a real pub as in a sort of a sketch of a pub. A plank laid across two high saw-horses will do for a bar. Men are lined up, or rather clustered, at it, having a fine pantomime argument about something, shaking each other’s shoulders, waving their hands, pulling their hats off and on their heads, yanking at one another’s lapels, pounding their fists on the bar, and shouting silently, almost nose-to-nose. As the lights come up, so does the sound of the men, as if theatrically we were tuning in on the wildlife here. Four or five of the men are having the greatest to-do there at the rail. Two other men, down front, are Indian-wrestling each other. Two more are playing darts, hurling the feathered things through space at a target suspended far to one side. To the left a man in a bowler hat sits on a piano stool playing a tune on empty space. Though the piano is not there, we can hear it fine. It is a jolly tune. So jolly that