any of us patriotic I.R.A. veterans, survivors of the Troubles, lovers of country. Still, breathing the same air ten thousand times makes the senses reel. So, as you’ve noted, in that God-sent three- or four-second interval, any audience in its right mind beats it the hell out. And the best of the crowd is—
THE YOUNG MAN Doone. Your Anthem Sprinter.
THE OLD MAN Smile at the man.
Everyone smiles at the American, who smiles easily back.
Now! Stand near! At this moment, not one hundred feet through that door and down the slight declivity toward the silver screen, seated on the aisle of the fourth row center is O’Gavin . . .
THE YOUNG MAN . . . your other Anthem Sprinter.
NOLAN (tipping his cap) The man’s eerie.
TIMULTY (impressed) O’Gavin’s there, all right. He’s not seen the filhim before—
THE YOUNG MAN (looks up) What, Clark Gable in It Happened One Night?
NOLAN
Ah, that was last month. They’ve not got around to taking down the names.
TIMULTY
This fillum tonight is a Deanna Durbin brought back by the asking, and the time is now . . .
FINN holds up his watch. All lean toward it.
FINN Ten-thirty o’clock.
TIMULTY
In five minutes the cinema will be letting the customers out in a herd . . .
THE OLD MAN
And if we should send Doone here in for a test of speed and agility . . .
DOONE (dancing about) It’s stripped to the buff I am!
THE OLD MAN . . . O’Gavin would be ready to take the challenge!
THE YOUNG MAN O’Gavin didn’t go to the show just for an Anthem Sprint, did he?
THE OLD MAN
Good grief, no. He went for the Deanna Durbin songs and all, him playing the banjo and knowing music as he does. But, as I say, if he should casually note the entrance of Doone here, who would make himself conspicuous by his late arrival, O’Gavin would know what was up. They would salute each other and both sit listening to the dear music until Finis hove in sight.
DOONE (doing knee-bends) Sure, let me at him, let me at him!
DOUGLAS Do—do you have Teams?
TlMULTY
Teams! There’s the Galway Runners!
FOGARTY
The Connemara Treadwells!
THE OLD MAN The Donnegal Lightfoots!
TlMULTY
And the fastest team of all is made up of Irishmen living in London.
THE OLD MAN (reverently) “The Queen’s Own Evaders”!
FOGARTY Fast, do you see, to flee from “God Save The Queen”?
All laugh, assent, pummel, gather about, FINN searches the writer’s face.
FINN
I see the details of the sport have bewildered you. Let me nail down the rules. Fogarty?!
FOGARTY Here!
FINN Door-listener supreme! Nolan! Kelly!
NOLAN and KELLY Here!
FINN
Aisle-superintendent judges! Myself—(Shows watch)—Timekeeper. General spectators: Casey, Peevey, and Dillon. You’ve met Doone. O’Gavin’s in the depths, there! So much for the participants. Now, the sports arena. (Moves, pointing) Much depends on the character of the theatre.
THE YOUNG MAN The character?
THE OLD MAN (hustling along)
Here’s the exits, ya see? And inside—(Opens a door, points) —the lobby . . .
FINN (cuts in)
Now, there be some liberal free-thinking theatres with grand aisles, grand lobbies, grand exits, and even grander, more spacious latrines . . .
NOLAN (cutting in)
Some with so much porcelain, the echoes alone put you in shock . . .
TIMULTY (cutting in)
And then again there’s the parsimonious mousetrap cinemas with aisles that squeeze the breath from you, seats that knock your knees, and doors best sidled out of on your way to the men’s lounge in the sweet-shop across the alley.
THE OLD MAN
Each theatre is carefully assessed before, during, and after a Sprint. A runner is judged by whether he had to fight through men and women en masse, mostly men, women with shopping bags which is terrible, or worst still, children at the flypaper matinees.
NOLAN (illustrating)
The temptation with children of course is lay into them as you’d harvest hay, tossing them in windrows to left and right.
THE OLD MAN
So we’ve stopped that. Now it’s nights only here at the ideal cinema of them all.
THE YOUNG MAN Ideal? Why?
KELLY (displays tape measure) Its aisles, do you see, are neither too wide nor too narrow.
He and THE OLD MAN pace off by the exit door. They illustrate with the tape.
Its exits are well placed.
THE OLD MAN (tests door) The door hinges oiled.
They open the door and point in. THE YOUNG MAN peers.
TIMULTY
Its crowds, do you see? are a proper mixture of sporting bloods and folks who mind enough to leap aside should a Sprinter, squandering his energy, come dashing up the way.
THE YOUNG MAN (suddenly thoughtful) Do you . . . handicap your runners?
FINN We do!
THE OLD MAN
Some nights, we put a summer coat on one, a winter coat on another of the racers.
TIMULTY Or seat one chap in the fifth row, while the other takes the third.
FINN
And if a man turns terrible feverish swift, we add the sweetest known burden of all—
THE YOUNG MAN Drink?
ALL Ah … ah … ah …
All laugh, mumble, move in to clap and pat the dear, knowledgeable boy.
THE OLD MAN
What else! Nolan! Run this in! Make O’Gavin take two swigs, big ones! (Aside) He’s a two-handicap man.
NOLAN runs through the door.
NOLAN Two it is!
TlMULTY
While Doone here has already made his weight at Heeber Finn’s.
DOONE (drinking from the bottle) Even all!
KELLY
Go on, Doone. Let our money be a light burden on you. Let’s see you burst out that exit, five minutes from now, victorious and first.
FINN Doone! Inside!
DOONE shakes hands all around. He waves to everyone as if going on a long voyage, opens the door. Sweet music flushes out about him—he basks in it a moment, then plunges through into darkness, gone. At which point NOLAN bursts back out.
NOLAN (waves flask) O’Gavin’s handicapped!
THE OLD MAN
Fine! Kelly, now, go check the contestants, be sure they sit opposite each other in the fourth row, caps on, coats half buttoned, scarves properly furled.
KELLY (running) It’s already done!
KELLY vanishes back through in a surge of music of great romance.
FINN (checking his watch) In two more minutes—
THE YOUNG MAN (innocently) Post Time?
TIMULTY (with admiring affection) You’re a dear lad.
KELLY (bursting through door) All set! They’re ready!
FOGARTY (listening at the door)
‘Tis almost over, you can tell, toward the end of any fillum, the music has a way of getting out of hand!
He opens the door wide and nods in. Sure enough, the music is in full heat now, surging all over the place. All listen and nod, eyes closed.
TIMULTY
Full orchestra and chorus behind the singing maid. I must come tomorrow for the entirety.
FINN (entranced) What’s the tune?
THE OLD MAN Ah, off with the tune! Lay the bets!
FINN (recovering) Right! Who’s for Doone, who O’Gavin?
ALL (hustling about, waving money and paper) Doone! A shilling for O’Gavin. Doone! Two says it’s Doone! Four on O’Gavin!
THE YOUNG MAN (holding out money) O’Gavin.
FINN (shocked) Without having seen him?
THE YOUNG MAN (whispers) A dark horse.
TlMULTY
A brave choice. Kelly, Nolan, inside as aisle judges. Watch sharp there’s no jumping the Finis.
In go KELLY and NOLAN, happy as boys.
FINN Make an aisle now. Yank, you over here with me!
All rush to form a double line, one on either side of the exit.
TlMULTY
Fogarty, lay your ear to the door!
FOGARTY (does so) The damn music is extra loud!
THE OLD MAN (sotto voce to THE YOUNG MAN) It will be over soon. Whoever’s to die is dying this moment!
FOGARTY Louder still! There!
He holds one door half wide. The last single chord of music blasts out.
FINN The grand ta-ta! By God!
THE YOUNG MAN (a quiet exclamation) They’re off!
FINN Stand aside! Clear the door!
FOGARTY (listens) Here they come!
FINN Listen to their feet!
THE OLD MAN Like thunder it is!
We hear the feet rushing.
FINN Come on, O’Gavin!
TIMULTY Doone! Doone!
ALL Doone! O’Gavin! Doone! O’Gavin!
The doors burst wide, DOONE, breathless, plunges out alone.
The winner!
DOONE (surprised) By God, so I am!
FINN
‘Tenshun! The National Anthem!
He holds the door wide. The men whip off their caps. The Anthem speeds swiftly to its end.
THE YOUNG MAN (puzzled) That was quick. Did they leave something out?
FINN What didn’t they!!
THE OLD MAN
Over the years, by some miracle or other, the Anthem has got shorter and shorter.
DOONE Where’s my competition?
All suddenly realize DOONE stands alone, blinking back into the cinema dark, from which NOLAN and KELLY emerge, bewildered.
THE OLD MAN Jesus, you’re right! Where’s O’Gavin!
NOLAN The idiot didn’t run out the wrong exit, did he?
DOONE (calling into the dark) O’Gavin!?
KELLY Could he’ve sprinted into the Men’s?
FINN Now what would he do there?
THE OLD MAN (snorts) There’s a son of ignorant Ireland for you! O’Gavin!
FOGARTY
Good grief, maybe coming up the aisle he had a heart attack and is lying there in the dark gasping his—
ALL
That’s it!
The men riot through the door, THE YOUNG MAN last.
NOLAN Maybe he broke his leg.
KELLY Did you bring the gun?
THE OLD MAN Ah, off with the gun! O’Gavin? Dear lad? How is it?
They mob around down, perhaps to the first row of the theatre, where they all peer at one man seated alone.
NOLAN O’Gavin!
FINN
You haven’t moved!
THE OLD MAN
Why are you sittiri there?
FINN What’s that on his cheek?
FOGARTY {bends close, peers) A teardrop! A tear!
O’GAVIN {moans) Ah, God!
FINN O’Gavin, are ya sick?
They all bend close.
O’GAVIN
Ah, God . . .
He rises slowly and turns, brushing a tear from his eye. He shakes his head beatifically, eyes shut.
She has the voice of an angel.
THE YOUNG MAN Angel?
O’GAVIN {nods back at the stage) That one up there, on the silver screen.
They all turn to stare at a silver screen that has come down behind them, where Finn’s pub once was.
THE YOUNG MAN Deanna Durbin, does he mean?
O’GAVIN {blowing his nose) The dear dead voice of my grandmother—
TlMULTY
Your grandma’s behind!
THE YOUNG MAN (peering at the screen) Her singing? Just that made him forget to ran?
O’GAVIN
Just! Just! It would be sacrilege to bound from a cinema