hurry? What does she mean?
CASEY Out of the way, Woman!
TIMULTY Lift me to the bar, I’m too weak to make it alone!
NOLAN I’m famished!
FINN Come get it, Men!
THE OLD MAN Finn, why the delay? You opened twenty seconds late!
His WIFE (snorting) Twenty seconds! The shame of it!
She exits.
THE OLD MAN Has she got the humors?
FINN
When hasn’t she?
NOLAN Women!
THE OLD MAN
I’m glad you said that. Why is it, when a ship goes down, it’s always women and children first to the lifeboats? Shouldn’t it be the other way round?
CASEY
Oh, my wife wouldn’t mind going down with the ship. The question is: Would the ship mind going down with her?
THE OLD MAN
I think we have found a proper subject to converse on for the day.
All drink, assenting.
CASEY Break out the cards, we’ll have a game!
All move away into the next room, dragging chairs, flourishing a deck of cards, carrying their drinks, laughing and warmly joyous. After the brief riot, there is a little storm of silence in the pub. THE WIFE appears with a basket, on her way out to shop. She peers into the next room, sniffs.
His WIFE Well, the avalanche is fair started down the mountain!
FINN eyes her but she will not be eyed and goes off, away. Another silent moment, FINN polishes glassware. Then: The doors open. It is FATHER LEARY, from the church across the way.
FINN Father Leary, come in! We don’t see you often!
FATHER I’m glad to hear that. I was beginning to worry.
FINN Will it be the Same?
FATHER
First you say you don’t see me often, then you ask if it’ll be the Same!
FINN No offense, Father. What’U it be?
FATHER The Usual.
FINN (pouring)
Begging your pardon, Father, but what’s the difference between the Same and the Usual?
FATHER (drinking)
Same is too blunt, cold, hard a word. Usual is—well—more savory, at ease, you can roll it about on your tongue. (He savors the word) Us—u-al. Do you see?
FINN
As far as I need to, Father. And how’s business? I mean—the Church, are people finding their way there through all the fog lately?
FATHER If they don’t, I’ll build hellfires to give them light.
FINN
Oh, you can do that, all right. You know, Father, I was thinking just the other day, you and me—is much alike. No offense.
FATHER (pausing in midsip) It’s too early to tell. Go on.
FINN
I mean, the things you hear in the confessional and the things I hear behind the bar. There is a rough equivalation, now.
FATHER Very rough.
FINN (sotto voce) And neither of us can breathe a word.
FATHER Come now, Finn, you’ll be putting on lace next.
FINN
Father, no word that’s spoken goes back across this bar. I’m proud of my own peculiar vow of silence. If the church ain’t open, Heeber Finn’s is.
FATHER (controlling himself beautifully) You must be absolutely groaning with truckloads of sin.
FINN I got me share.
FATHER
You don’t imply now, do you, that you’re in competition with the Church? Eh?
FINN
Heaven forbid! And forgive my pride, but maybe I’ve eased your burden a bit, Father.
FATHER
Do you mean by that that some sins get waylaid here that I never hear about?
FINN
I only imply, Father, that I oil their tonsils so they can tell it better by the time they get over to you, thus cutting down the fearsome time you spend cooped up in the box—
FATHER Why, you’re almost an annex to the Church, it seems!
FINN Now look what I’ve done—made you mad.
FATHER
I’m not mad, Finn, just surprised, and mad at myself … for I thought I was over being surprised at the duplicity of man. You did come on me sudden, though, and I’d best leave.
He reaches in his pocket.
FINN (hastily) Put it in the poorbox, Father.
FATHER I will!
FINN
Come again for the—er—Usual, Father!
Half out the door, FATHER LEARY turns, frowning.
FATHER Not the Usual, man! (A beat)—The Same!
The wickets slam. He’s gone.
FINN busies himself, stacking glasses and wiping the bar. As he does so, from a distance a high clear tenor voice is heard, approaching. There is also the sound of footsteps coming near. The song being sung is as follows:
THE SALESMAN’S VOICE (Off) “All through life Mid storm and strife . . . With maid or wife, It’s the thinkin’ Not the drinkin’ Makes it go.”
The voice stops. The wickets open. A SALESMAN stands looking in and about the pub.
FINN has frozen at the words of the song. He does not turn now as the stranger advances easily toward the bar.
THE SALESMAN
Though I must admit, there be occasions when the very wheels of Juggernaut are kept turning with drink. A Guinness, please.
This friendly sally does not unfreeze FINN at all; he draws the drink without looking up.
THE SALESMAN looks at FINN and senses diplomacy is needed. I see that your spine is all one piece because of my song.
FINN {turning at last) The song was a touch subversive of my business.
THE SALESMAN (sings) “It’s the thinkin’ And the drinkin’ Makes it go.” Is that better?
FINN (putting the drink on the bar) Why didn’t you sing it that way to start?
THE SALESMAN I’m a proud man.
FINN (letting the drink go)
Pride’s no sin, if it has to do with your business. What line are you in?
THE SALESMAN I guess you’d call me a Salesman of Philosophy.
FINN Now, how do you sell that?
THE SALESMAN Here!
He swings a small case onto the bar.
Do you know the saying “Infinite riches in a little room”?
FINN I know it now.
THE SALESMAN Well, in this h’ttle case is the “furniture” I’m selling.
FINN For a doll house, then?
THE SALESMAN No, to decorate the palace of man’s mind!
He opens up the case and puts forth a single item on the counter.
FINN {confounded) That’s it?
THE SALESMAN {proudly) That’s it! Fine hand-painted bone porcelain.
FINN
Don’t look like much to me. {Moving around front) Furniture, you say.
He stops. He approaches the little object slowly, peering at it. It is about eight inches long and three inches high. There is a single word on it, a word in white letters on a black background.
{Spelling out loud) T … H … it says . . . I and N and K. THINK/ Is that all?
THE SALESMAN I’m inclined to say it’s everything!
FINN {half-suspicious) What does it mean?
THE SALESMAN Just what it says, friend. Think. Think. THINK!
THE SALESMAN’S voice grows in timbre and volume each time he says the word. Then he subsides and sips his Guinness.
FINN {uneasily)
Ye-ess, I see what you’re getting at. But what do you do with a bit of furniture like that? To what purpose is it?
THE SALESMAN To what purpose? God save me!
Before FINN can stop him, he is around the bar and placing the little sign on top of a Guinness barrel.
There! Now, pretend you’re your own best customer, and I’m yourself, the bartender. You got your drink in your hand.
He nudges the drink. FINN takes and holds the glass. You sip your drink. FINN sips.
You raise your eyes
FINN raises his eyes. And what do you see?
FINN “Think”?
THE SALESMAN Right! You drink some more.
FINN drinks.
You stare at that little sign . . . and . . . first thing you know . . . you’re . . .
FINN Thinking!
THE SALESMAN Ah, now you got the sun up. You’re standing in the light!
FINN (sips, stares; sips, stares) Ah … ah … yes … I see.
THE SALESMAN I know you do!
FINN looks at the man with fresh admiration.
FINN You be a kind of intellectual, then?
THE SALESMAN I—er—knocked at the door of Trinity College!
FINN
What stopped your plunging through?
THE SALESMAN refills both glasses, playing bartender with a fine air.
THE SALESMAN
Well, I shaped it up in my mind. Hoolihan, I said to myself, why put off helping others half your life? Why not start this day? How? I said. Well, I said, what’s mainly wrong with the world? What? I said. No one stops to think any more, I said. And for lack of stopping to think, what happens?
FINN (leaning toward him) A great lot, one supposes.
THE SALESMAN
Wars, famines, depressions, murderous impulses, bad livers, short breaths, unwanted children, and marriages best kept running on whisky for fear of seeing the true aspect!
FINN (enchanted) Say that again.
THE SALESMAN If you don’t mind, I’ll let the echoes die.
FINN
Right! That’s a beautiful thing there, the little bit of porcelain and that single word. Already I feel a popping in my ears, like I’m on a mountain! It’s amazing how full of thoughts I suddenly am.
THE SALESMAN
Think what it’ll do for your customers, then, and the brand of talk they’ll spray at one another! In one hour, in this room, the humidity will rise ten points!
FINN All I do is leave it set right there, eh?
THE SALESMAN Right there. Nothing to wind, nothing to grease or oil, nothing to get out of whack. A simple machine it is, and’ll make men’s minds “GO”!
FINN I’ll take one! Wait! You are selling them, aren’t you?
THE SALESMAN Not exactly. You can rent this for just ten shillings a month!
FINN That’s dear!
THE SALESMAN
If it raises your business twenty shillings a month, you’re still ten ahead!
FINN {amazed) Will it do that?
THE SALESMAN
Who can deny thinking men blow off steam, and what makes steam? Water! And what is beer and ale and stout but mostly water?
FINN You’ve gone below the surface, I see.
THE SALESMAN
Study pays. Try it. If it don’t work out after four weeks, I’ll buy the damn thing off you at half-price or—er—thereabouts; you’ll be little out of pocket!
FINN is still grudging.
Hold on, let me sweeten the deal.
He pulls forth three more objects and sets them up on the bar.
Rent one, you get them all!
FINN stares.
FINN (reading) STOP! CONSIDER! THINK! DO!
THE SALESMAN Ain’t that a fine quartet?
FINN Explain them to me!
THE SALESMAN
Well, before