your pardon, Father. And when he came in the door, I can only figure he saw this sign, sir.
FATHER
This sign made him go out and in three times, and then run to me to confess in broad daylight?
FINN
Yes, sir. I figure for thirty years now, Noonan’s wife has yelled at him, STOP this, STOP that! STOP the next best and the least-worst and the half-between. “STOP!” she yells. But mostly STOP DRINKING! It adds up, down the years. Well, today, Noonan hears “STOP!” from Rooney’s bar, too, STOP! no more ale, whisky, or whatever, STOP! and threw him out! So he comes up here, shell-shocked, it’s reached the point, after thirty years of his wife screaming and Rooney yelling. And he comes in the door and what does he see?
FATHER S-T-O-P.
FINN
Right, Father. And that made a little drive-shaft go loose in Noonan and he headed straight off for you, sir.
FATHER You sound rather proud of the whole thing, Finn.
FINN
Shouldn’t I be, Father? A thirty-year sinner reformed? A lost soul changed—?
FATHER (impatiently) Ah, let be! (muses) Finn?
FINN Sir?
FATHER
I don’t know how to explain it, but I have this unearthly sensation, lately, each time I drop by that some day I’ll come in and find you selling Bibles and holding services.
FINN
Perish the thought, Father. I just redecorated the place a bit.
He waves his hand at the other signs.
FATHER (staring)
God help us, don’t tell me there’s more? (Squints) Does that say CONSIDER, Finn?
FINN It does.
FATHER And that THINK, and that one DO?
FINN
What eyes, for a man your age!
FATHER Is fifty old, Finn?
FINN
It’s neither in nor out of the casket. You’ll be around a while, Father.
FATHER
I will, Finn, I will. And now suppose you tell me what these signs mean?
FINN (trying to recall the spiel)
Well, CONSIDER means . . . walk around, turn about . . . run your hand, run your eyes over a thing . . .
FATHER What thing, Finn?
FINN
/Anything, sir.
FATHER
Did it ever strike you, Finn, that maybe there are some things should not be considered at all?
FINN Like what, sir?
FATHER Well, fornication, for one, if you force me to it!
FINN That’s a brave start, sir.
FATHER
Poverty’s another. It must be borne, not considered. If you have no coal and no way to get coal and never will have any coal, as often happens at the church, believe me, I do not consider coal! Women, Mr. Finn, can have no part in my life, so I do not consider women. Travel, I will never travel, so I do not consider palm trees and sandy beaches and twanging guitars. And since I do not consider the above subjects as fit, to begin with, that takes us on to your next sign, Finn: THINK. Since I will not consider certain subjects to start with, that means they never become objects of my thought. I do not THINK about them.
FINN
That’s what the salesman said, you got to consider first, pick a subject, before you can THINK about it.
FATHER
He was right. And thus, through disconsideration and unthought-fulness, Finn, I am never tempted to climb the ladder of a stocking—
FINN Father, you shock me!
FATHER
Sorry! Ladder of a silk stocking! Nor do I perspire for strawberry shortcakes, breathe hard for swimming in warm equatorial waters, or ask for more than this rough stuff on my back. If you consider too much, you think too much, and if you think too much you wind up DOING, Finn. Doing. Doing!
FINN
You’re right, Father, that’s how women, and other things, get done.
FATHER Finn!
FINN Sorry. It was off my tongue before I knew.
FATHER
It was! Now! (The gimlet eye) The salesman that sold you these, was he from the north of Ireland?
FINN I think not.
FATHER Were these articles made in Orange territory?
FINN
Why don’t we look, sir?
He hastens the three objects over and puts them down before
FATHER LEARY, who peers.
What do you see, Father?
FATHER Hold on, I left my glasses at the rectory.
FINN Borrow mine, Father—here!
He holds them out. FATHER LEARY hesitates.
Don’t be afraid, Father. You won’t see the world much different through these than through your own.
FATHER I wouldn’t be so sure, Finn! Do you see near or far?
FINN
A bit of both, Father. But it’s best I leave the damn things off. Without my glasses, the world looks fine, sinners look less like Africans and more like angels, the shadows they cast are short and sweet, and the sun stays up till midnight.
FATHER
God help us, that kind of vision would turn a trough full of pigs into the Last Supper. Put your glasses on, man, and keep them on!
FINN
It’s best to be a little blind in this sharp world, Father.
FATHER Shut up, and give me the loan.
LEARY gets the spectacles at last, puts them on, peers at the “machines.”
FINN Well, were they made in the north of Ireland?
FATHER No, the western part of the U.S.A.
FINN That’s good, Father.
FATHER Is California good, Finn?
FINN The north or the south of California, sir?
FATHER (squints) A town with the name of—Alhambra!
FINN (truly enlightened) Alhambra! Ain’t that Spanish? And aren’t the Spanish Catholic?
FATHER They’re a variety of Catholic, you might say.
FINN Might? I always thought Catholic was Catholic!
FATHER
Finn, you talk like a blatherin’ infant! There’s types and sizes. There’s Eye-talian Catholic, which is pretty good.
FINN It is indeed!
FATHER There’s Spanish Catholic, which is fair.
FINN Only fair?
FATHER
And there’s French Catholics, which is hardly Catholic at all. It is rock-bottom Catholic, the fringe elements of the Church. Now if you want your real Catholic, it’s here in Ireland he lives. Not that we don’t sin; we do. Not that we’re perfect; we’re not. But there be varieties and varieties of Catholic, never forget, and the sad reflection of my life is there was never a Pope named Patrick!
FINN (philosophically) Ah, well, we had a Saint!
FATHER I’m grateful, don’t misunderstand.
FINN (peering) Alhambra, California, sounds Catholic enough to me.
FATHER
Do you have the facts and figures on church attendance in Alhambra, California, close at hand, Finn?
FINN I do not, Father.
FATHER Then button your lip and fill my glass.
FINN What’ll it be, Father, the Same or the Usual?
FATHER LEARY glares, FINN subsides, FATHER LEARY peers.
FATHER
It says The Monongaheela Gimcrack Novelty Company Inc. Monongaheela? That’s pagan Indian, ain’t it?
FINN I wouldn’t be surprised, Father.
FATHER Are you ever surprised, Finn?
FINN
Like you, very rarely any more, Father.
FATHER
I wish you’d stop teaming us up, Finn. (Reads) “A Little of Something for Everybody” is the motto of this manufactory in Alhambra, California.
FINN (savoring it) “A Little of Something for Everybody”
FATHER
Now, if that doesn’t sound like the title for a Protestant sermon, I never heard one—
FINN Oh, now, Father—
FATHER
Mind you, I don’t say this manufactory put these signs out to make trouble in the world. No, far from it. In all innocence, I think they thought they was putting out lovely little mottoes such as GOD BLESS OUR HOME, which they were not. I forgive them their blind fumbling, Finn. But think of the misery they have probably spread in the world wherever these signs be!
FINN
I’m thinking on it. And I’m filled with remorse. You see, that salesman, he talked as good as you, Father. Yes, he did, he had a fine tongue, and first thing I knew I had the fevers.
FATHER You know what you have to do now, Finn?
FINN
What, sir?
FATHER LEARY nods at the three items on the bar, holds out his hand.
(Groans) Oh, no.
FATHER Oh, yes, Finn.
FINN But I’ve only had them an hour, it’s not been a true test, sir!
FATHER
Which is more important, the philosophy of this small town deep in green Ireland, or tuppence-hapenny?
FINN I wish it was tuppence-hapenny, sir. Father, look—
He hands over the shards and one sign.
Take STOP and CONSIDER with you. Leave THINK and DO with me.
FATHER Finn—
FINN
At the first sign of outbreak, unease, riot, or so much as a headache on the part of a villager, Father, you’ll see these flying through the air onto the stones!
FATHER Finn—
FINN
Twenty-four hours, then, just let me keep them that long. The world was made in six days, Father, but Heeber Finn sure won’t undo it in one, will he?
FATHER LEARY sighs, shaking his head, beaten.
FATHER Twenty-four hours, then. I don’t want to be hard.
FINN (smiling) And you’re not! You’re a man of reason. Here’s to you, Father!
FINN drinks.
FATHER LEARY picks up the broken bits and the one sign, studies them, peers at the others, starts to say something, shakes his head, moves toward the door. At the door he pauses, his back to the bartender.
FATHER Finn?
FINN Yes, sir?
FATHER
If you should need me … don’t waste time thinking on it. Give a yell.
FINN A helluva yell, Father.
FATHER Come early, stay late, Finn.
And the priest is gone.
FINN exhales and strides about the bar. He wipes his brow.
FINN
Whew, Finn, whew! I’m shaved to the bone. ‘Twill take a year for my beard to grow back! Well, what’s the total? Two left out of four, but surely the most important of the whole kit. Where was I? Men! Boys!
He turns to shout through the door into the back room.
Is the game done? If not, bring it out here! A free round on the house!
VOICES Free round! Outa the way, Men. Here we come, Finn!
The men surge out along the bar, gabbling, laughing.
THE OLD MAN
It’s all in balances and weights, you get a man so (Illustrates), and thus, and he’s in the ditch before he knows the fight is over!
CASEY
Women are cats, I said, born and bred in Africa, and shipped north to torment men in youth, middle age, and their dotage!
O’HARA
Meanness it is, keeps women alive long after a man, in his natural Christian goodness, has laid down with coins on his eyes—
FINN (pouring) Drink up!
The men drink. Each talks