The chief apparently made it a rule to agree with and rejoice over everything said to him by those around him, and to express this with the words ‘Very nice, very nice …’
‘Very nice!’ said Stravinsky, handing the chart back to someone, and he addressed Ivan:
‘You are a poet?’
‘A poet,’ Ivan replied glumly, and for the first time suddenly felt some inexplicable loathing for poetry, and his own verses, coming to mind at once, seemed to him for some reason distasteful.
Wrinkling his face, he asked Stravinsky in turn:
‘You are a professor?’
To this, Stravinsky, with obliging courtesy, inclined his head.
‘And you’re the chief here?’ Ivan continued.
Stravinsky nodded to this as well.
‘I must speak with you,’ Ivan Nikolaevich said meaningly.
That is what I’m here for,‘ returned Stravinsky.
The thing is,‘ Ivan began, feeling his hour had come, ’that I’ve been got up as a madman, and nobody wants to listen to me! …‘
‘Oh, no, we shall hear you out with great attention,’ Stravinsky said seriously and soothingly, ‘and by no means allow you to be got up as a madman.’
‘Listen, then: yesterday evening I met a mysterious person at the Patriarch’s Ponds, maybe a foreigner, maybe not, who knew beforehand about Berlioz’s death and has seen Pontius Pilate in person.’
The retinue listened to the poet silently and without stirring.
‘Pilate? The Pilate who lived in the time of Jesus Christ?’ Stravinsky asked, narrowing his eyes at Ivan.
The same.‘
‘Aha,’ said Stravinsky, ‘and this Berlioz died under a tram-car?’
‘Precisely, he’s the one who in my presence was killed by a tram-car yesterday at the Ponds, and this same mysterious citizen …’
The acquaintance of Pontius Pilate?‘ asked Stravinsky, apparently distinguished by great mental alacrity.
‘Precisely him,’ Ivan confirmed, studying Stravinsky. ‘Well, so he said beforehand that Annushka had spilled the sunflower oil … And he slipped right on that place! How do you like that?’ Ivan inquired significantly, hoping to produce a great effect with his words.
But the effect did not ensue, and Stravinsky quite simply asked the following question:
‘And who is this Annushka?’
This question upset Ivan a little; his face twitched.
‘Annushka is of absolutely no importance here,’ he said nervously. ‘Devil knows who she is. Just some fool from Sadovaya. What’s important is that he knew beforehand, you see, beforehand, about the sunflower oil! Do you understand me?’
‘Perfectly,’ Stravinsky replied seriously and, touching the poet’s knee, added: ‘Don’t get excited, just continue.’
‘To continue,’ said Ivan, trying to fall in with Stravinsky’s tone, and knowing already from bitter experience that only calm would help him, ‘so, then, this horrible type (and he’s lying that he’s a consultant) has some extraordinary power! …
For instance, you chase after him and it’s impossible to catch up with him … And there’s also a little pair with him — good ones, too, but in their own way: some long one in broken glasses and, besides him, a cat of incredible size who rides the tram all by himself. And besides,’ interrupted by no one, Ivan went on talking with ever increasing ardour and conviction, ‘he was personally on Pontius Pilate’s balcony, there’s no doubt of it. So what is all this, eh? He must be arrested immediately, otherwise he’ll do untold harm.’
‘So you’re trying to get him arrested? Have I understood you correctly?’ asked Stravinsky.
‘He’s intelligent,’ thought Ivan. ‘You’ve got to admit, even among intellectuals you come across some of rare intelligence, there’s no denying it,’ and he replied:
‘Quite correctly! And how could I not be trying, just consider for yourself! And meanwhile I’ve been forcibly detained here, they poke lamps into my eyes, give me baths, question me for some reason about my Uncle Fedya! … And he departed this world long ago! I demand to be released immediately!’
‘Well, there, very nice, very nice!’ Stravinsky responded. ‘Now everything’s clear. Really, what’s the sense of keeping a healthy man in a clinic? Very well, sir, I’ll check you out of here right now, if you tell me you’re normal. Not prove, but merely tell. So, then, are you normal?’
Here complete silence fell, and the fat woman who had taken care of Ivan in the morning looked at the professor with awe. Ivan thought once again: ‘Positively intelligent!’
The professor’s offer pleased him very much, yet before replying he thought very, very hard, wrinkling his forehead, and at last said firmly:
‘I am normal.’
‘Well, how very nice,’ Stravinsky exclaimed with relief, ‘and if so, let’s reason logically. Let’s take your day yesterday.’ Here he turned and Ivan’s chart was immediately handed to him. ‘In search of an unknown man who recommended himself as an acquaintance of Pontius Pilate, you performed the following actions yesterday.’ Here Stravinsky began holding up his long fingers, glancing now at the chart, now at Ivan. ‘You hung a little icon on your chest. Did you?’
‘I did,’ Ivan agreed sullenly.
‘You fell off a fence and hurt your face. Right? Showed up in a restaurant carrying a burning candle in your hand, in nothing but your underwear, and in the restaurant you beat somebody. You were brought here-tied up. Having come here, you called the police and asked them to send out machine-guns. Then you attempted to throw yourself out the window. Right? The question is: can one, by acting in such fashion, catch or arrest anyone? And if you’re a normal man, you yourself will answer: by no means. You wish to leave here? Very well, sir. But allow me to ask, where are you going to go?’
To the police, of course,‘ Ivan replied, no longer so firmly, and somewhat at a loss under the professor’s gaze.
‘Straight from here?’
‘Mm-hm…’
‘Without stopping at your place?’ Stravinsky asked quickly.
‘I have no time to stop anywhere! While I’m stopping at places, he’ll slip away!’
‘So. And what will you tell the police to start with?’
‘About Pontius Pilate,’ Ivan Nikolaevich replied, and his eyes clouded with a gloomy mist.
‘Well, how very nice!’ the won-over Stravinsky exclaimed and, turning to the one with the little beard, ordered: ‘Fyodor Vassilyevich, please check Citizen Homeless out for town. But don’t put anyone in his room or change the linen. In two hours, Citizen Homeless will be back here. So, then,’ he turned to the poet, ‘I won’t wish you success, because I don’t believe one iota in that success. See you soon!’ He stood up, and his retinue stirred.
‘On what grounds will I be back here?’ Ivan asked anxiously.
Stravinsky was as if waiting for this question, immediately sat down, and began to speak:
‘On the grounds that as soon as you show up at the police station in your drawers and tell them you’ve seen a man who knew Pontius Pilate personally, you’ll instantly be brought here, and you’ll find yourself again in this very same room.’
‘What have drawers got to do with it?’ Ivan asked, gazing around in bewilderment.
‘It’s mainly Pontius Pilate. But the drawers, too. Because we’ll take the clinic underwear from you and give you back your clothes. And you were delivered here in your drawers. And yet you were by no means going to stop at your place, though I dropped you a hint. Then comes Pilate … and that’s it.’
Here something strange happened with Ivan Nikolaevich. His will seemed to crack, and he felt himself weak, in need of advice.
‘What am I to do, then?’ he asked, timidly this time.
‘Well, how very nice!’ Stravinsky replied. ‘A most reasonable question. Now I am going to tell you what actually happened to you. Yesterday someone frightened you badly and upset you with a story about Pontius Pilate and other things. And so you, a very nervous and high-strung man, started going around the city, telling about Pontius Pilate. It’s quite natural that you’re taken for a madman. Your salvation now lies in just one thing – complete peace. And you absolutely must remain here.’
‘But he has to be caught!’ Ivan exclaimed, imploringly now.
‘Very good, sir, but why should you go running around yourself? Explain all your suspicions and accusations against this man on paper. Nothing could be simpler than to send your declaration to the proper quarters, and if, as you think, we are dealing with a criminal, it will be clarified very quickly. But only on one condition: don’t strain your head, and try to think less about Pontius Pilate. People say all kinds of things! One mustn’t believe everything.’
‘Understood!’ Ivan declared resolutely. ‘I ask to be given pen and paper.’
‘Give him paper and a short pencil,’ Stravinsky ordered the fat woman, and to Ivan he said: ‘But I don’t advise you to write today.’
‘No, no, today, today without fail!’ Ivan cried out in alarm.
‘Well, all right. Only don’t strain your head. If it doesn’t come out today, it will tomorrow.’
‘Hell escape.’
‘Oh, no,’ Stravinsky objected confidently, ‘he won’t escape anywhere, I guarantee that. And remember that here with us you’ll be helped in all possible ways, and without us nothing will come of it. Do you hear me?’ Stravinsky suddenly asked meaningly and took Ivan Nikolaevich by both hands. Holding them in his own, he repeated for a long time, his eyes fixed on Ivan’s: ‘You’ll be helped here … do you hear me? … You’ll be helped here … you’ll get relief … it’s quiet here, all peaceful … you’ll be helped here …’
Ivan Nikolaevich unexpectedly yawned, and the expression on his face
