Head and Shoulders, F. Scott Fitzgerald
Head and Shoulders
In 1915 Horace Tarbox was thirteen years old. In that year he took the examinations for entrance to Princeton University and received the Grade A—excellent—in Cæsar, Cicero, Vergil, Xenophon, Homer, Algebra, Plane Geometry, Solid Geometry, and Chemistry.
Two years later while George M. Cohan was composing «Over There,» Horace was leading the sophomore class by several lengths and digging out theses on «The Syllogism as an Obsolete Scholastic Form,» and during the battle of Château-Thierry he was sitting at his desk deciding whether or not to wait until his seventeenth birthday before beginning his series of essays on «The Pragmatic Bias of the New Realists.»
After a while some newsboy told him that the war was over, and he was glad, because it meant that Peat Brothers, publishers, would get out their new edition of «Spinoza’s Improvement of the Understanding.» Wars were all very well in their way, made young men self-reliant or something but Horace felt that he could never forgive the President for allowing a brass band to play under his window the night of the false armistice, causing him to leave three important sentences out of his thesis on «German Idealism.»
The next year he went up to Yale to take his degree as Master of Arts.
He was seventeen then, tall and slender, with near-sighted gray eyes and an air of keeping himself utterly detached from the mere words he let drop.
«I never feel as though I’m talking to him,» expostulated Professor Dillinger to a sympathetic colleague. «He makes me feel as though I were talking to his representative. I always expect him to say: ‘Well, I’ll ask myself and find out.'»
And then, just as nonchalantly as though Horace Tarbox had been Mr. Beef the butcher or Mr. Hat the haberdasher, life reached in, seized him, handled him, stretched him, and unrolled him like a piece of Irish lace on a Saturday-afternoon bargain-counter.
To move in the literary fashion I should say that this was all because when way back in colonial days the hardy pioneers had come to a bald place in Connecticut and asked of each other, «Now, what shall we build here?» the hardiest one among ’em had answered: «Let’s build a town where theatrical managers can try out musical comedies!» How afterward they founded Yale College there, to try the musical comedies on, is a story every one knows. At any rate one December, «Home James» opened at the Shubert, and all the students encored Marcia Meadow, who sang a song about the Blundering Blimp in the first act and did a shaky, shivery, celebrated dance in the last.
Marcia was nineteen. She didn’t have wings, but audiences agreed generally that she didn’t need them. She was a blonde by natural pigment, and she wore no paint on the streets at high noon. Outside of that she was no better than most women.
It was Charlie Moon who promised her five thousand Pall Malls if she would pay a call on Horace Tarbox, prodigy extraordinary. Charlie was a senior in Sheffield, and he and Horace were first cousins. They liked and pitied each other.
Horace had been particularly busy that night. The failure of the Frenchman Laurier to appreciate the significance of the new realists was preying on his mind. In fact, his only reaction to a low, clear-cut rap at his study was to make him speculate as to whether any rap would have actual existence without an ear there to hear it. He fancied he was verging more and more toward pragmatism. But at that moment, though he did not know it, he was verging with astounding rapidity toward something quite different.
The rap sounded—three seconds leaked by—the rap sounded.
«Come in,» muttered Horace automatically.
He heard the door open and then close, but, bent over his book in the big armchair before the fire, he did not look up.
«Leave it on the bed in the other room,» he said absently.
«Leave what on the bed in the other room?»
Marcia Meadow had to talk her songs, but her speaking voice was like byplay on a harp.
«The laundry.»
«I can’t.»
Horace stirred impatiently in his chair.
«Why can’t you?»
«Why, because I haven’t got it.»
«Hm!» he replied testily. «Suppose you go back and get it.»
Across the fire from Horace was another easychair. He was accustomed to change to it in the course of an evening by way of exercise and variety. One chair he called Berkeley, the other he called Hume. He suddenly heard a sound as of a rustling, diaphanous form sinking into Hume. He glanced up.
«Well,» said Marcia with the sweet smile she used in Act Two («Oh, so the Duke liked my dancing!») «Well, Omar Khayyam, here I am beside you singing in the wilderness.»
Horace stared at her dazedly. The momentary suspicion came to him that she existed there only as a phantom of his imagination. Women didn’t come into men’s rooms and sink into men’s Humes. Women brought laundry and took your seat in the street-car and married you later on when you were old enough to know fetters.
This woman had clearly materialized out of Hume. The very froth of her brown gauzy dress was art emanation from Hume’s leather arm there! If he looked long enough he would see Hume right through her and then he would be alone again in the room. He passed his fist across his eyes. He really must take up those trapeze exercises again.
«For Pete’s sake, don’t look so critical!» objected the emanation pleasantly. «I feel as if you were going to wish me away with that patent dome of yours. And then there wouldn’t be anything left of me except my shadow in your eyes.»
Horace coughed. Coughing was one of his two gestures. When he talked you forgot he had a body at all. It was like hearing a phonograph record by a singer who had been dead a long time.
«What do you want?» he asked.
«I want them letters,» whined Marcia melodramatically—»them letters of mine you bought from my grandsire in 1881.»
Horace considered.
«I haven’t got your letters,» he said evenly. «I am only seventeen years old. My father was not born until March 3, 1879. You evidently have me confused with some one else.»
«You’re only seventeen?» repeated March suspiciously.
«Only seventeen.»
«I knew a girl,» said Marcia reminiscently, «who went on the ten-twenty-thirty when she was sixteen. She was so stuck on herself that she could never say ‘sixteen’ without putting the ‘only’ before it. We got to calling her ‘Only Jessie.’ And she’s just where she was when she started—only worse. ‘Only’ is a bad habit, Omar—it sounds like an alibi.»
«My name is not Omar.»
«I know,» agreed Marcia, nodding—»your name’s Horace. I just call you Omar because you remind me of a smoked cigarette.»
«And I haven’t your letters. I doubt if I’ve ever met your grandfather. In fact, I think it very improbable that you yourself were alive in 1881.»
Marcia stared at him in wonder.
«Me—1881? Why sure! I was second-line stuff when the Florodora Sextette was still in the convent. I was the original nurse to Mrs. Sol Smith’s Juliette. Why, Omar, I was a canteen singer during the War of 1812.»
Horace’s mind made a sudden successful leap, and he grinned.
«Did Charlie Moon put you up to this?»
Marcia regarded him inscrutably.
«Who’s Charlie Moon?»
«Small—wide nostrils—big ears.»
She grew several inches and sniffed.
«I’m not in the habit of noticing my friends’ nostrils.
«Then it was Charlie?»
Marcia bit her lip—and then yawned. «Oh, let’s change the subject, Omar. I’ll pull a snore in this chair in a minute.»
«Yes,» replied Horace gravely, «Hume has often been considered soporific——»
«Who’s your friend—and will he die?»
Then of a sudden Horace Tarbox rose slenderly and began to pace the room with his hands in his pockets. This was his other gesture.
«I don’t care for this,» he said as if he were talking to himself—»at all. Not that I mind your being here—I don’t. You’re quite a pretty little thing, but I don’t like Charlie Moon’s sending you up here. Am I a laboratory experiment on which the janitors as well as the chemists can make experiments? Is my intellectual development humorous in any way? Do I look like the pictures of the little Boston boy in the comic magazines? Has that callow ass, Moon, with his eternal tales about his week in Paris, any right to——»
«No,» interrupted Marcia emphatically. «And you’re a sweet boy. Come here and kiss me.»
Horace stopped quickly in front of her.
«Why do you want me to kiss you?» he asked intently, «Do you just go round kissing people?»
«Why, yes,» admitted Marcia, unruffled. «‘At’s all life is. Just going round kissing people.»
«Well,» replied Horace emphatically, «I must say your ideas are horribly garbled! In the first place life isn’t just that, and in the second place. I won’t kiss you. It might get to be a habit and I can’t get rid of habits. This year I’ve got in the habit of lolling in bed until seven-thirty——»
Marcia nodded understandingly.
«Do you ever have any fun?» she asked.
«What do you mean by fun?»
«See here,» said Marcia sternly, «I like you, Omar, but I wish you’d talk as if you had a line on what you were saying. You sound as if you were gargling a lot of words in your mouth and lost a bet every time you spilled a few. I asked you if you ever had any fun.»
Horace shook his head.
«Later, perhaps,» he answered. «You see I’m a plan. I’m an experiment. I don’t say that I don’t get tired of it sometimes—I do. Yet—oh, I can’t explain! But what you and Charlie Moon call fun wouldn’t
