whether right or wrong, is your own doing. From what I
personally know, you have lived your life exactly as you pleased without regard to
circumstances or persons who loved you — who might be hurt. Whether you realize it or
not — your present confinement is embarrassing to me well as Dad — not because of what
you did but the fact that you don’t show me any signs of SINCERE regret and seem to
show no respect for any laws, people or anything. Your letter implies that the blame of all
your problems is that of someone else, but never you. I do admit that you are intelligent
and your vocabulary is excellent & I do feel you can do anything you decide to do & do it
well but what exactly do you want to do & are you willing to work & make an honest effort
to attain whatever it is you choose to do? Nothing good comes easy and I’m sure you’ve
heard this many times but once more won’t hurt.
In case you want the truth about Dad — his heart is broken because of you. He would give
anything to get you out so he can have his son back — but I am afraid you would only hurt
him worse if you could. He is not well and is getting older &, as the saying goes, he
cannot «Cut the Mustard» as in the old days. He has been wrong at times & he realizes
this but whatever he had and wherever he went he shared his life & belongings with you
when he wouldn’t do this for anyone else. Now I don’t say you owe him undying gratitude
or your life but you do owe him RESPECT and COMMON DECENCY. I, personally, am
proud of Dad. I love him & Respect him as my Dad & I am only sorry he chose to be the
Lone Wolf with his son, or he might be living with us and share our love instead of alone
in his little trailer & longing & waiting & lonesome for you, his son. I worry for him & when
I say I, I mean my husband too for my husband respects our Dad. Because he is a MAN.
It’s true that Dad did not have a great extensive education but in school we only learn to
recognize the words and to spell but the application of these words to real life is another
thing that only LIFE & LIVING can give us. Dad has lived & you show ignorance in calling
him uneducated and unable to understand «the scientific meaning etc» of life’s problems.
A mother is still the only one who can kiss a boo-boo and make it all well — explain that
scientifically.
I’m sorry to let you have it so strong but I feel I must speak my piece. I am sorry that this
must be censored [by the prison authorities], & I sincerely hope this letter is not
detrimental towards your eventual release but I feel you should know & realize what
terrible hurt you have done. Dad is the important one as I am dedicated to my family but
you are the only one Dad loves — in short, his «family.» He knows I love him, of course, but
the closeness is not there, as you know.
Your confinement is nothing to be proud of and you will have to live with it & try & live it
down & it can be done but not with your attitude of feeling everyone is stupid &
uneducated & un-understanding. You are a human being with a free will. Which puts you above the animal level. But if you live your life without feeling and compassion for your
fellowman — you are as an animal — «an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth» & happiness &
peace of mind is not attained by living thus.
As far as responsibility goes, no one really wants it — but all of us are responsible to the
community we live in & its laws. When the time comes to assume the responsibility of a
home and children or business, this is the seeding of the boys from the Men — for surely
you can realize what a mess the world would be if everyone in it said, «I want to be an
individual, without responsibilities, & be able to speak my mind freely &do as I alone will.»
We are all free to speak & do as we individually will — providing this «freedom» of Speech
& Deed are not injurious to our fellow-man.
Think about it, Perry. You are above average in intelligence, but somehow your
reasoning is off the beam. Maybe it’s the strain of your confinement. Whatever it is remember — you & only you are responsible and it is up to you and you alone to overcome
this part of your life. Hoping to hear from you soon.
With Love & Prayers,
Your sister & Bro. in Law
Barbara & Frederic & Family
In preserving this letter, and including it in his collection of particular treasures, Perry was not
moved by affection. Far from
it. He «loathed» Barbara, and just the other day he had told Dick, «The only real regret I have — I
wish the hell my sister hid been in that house.» (Dick had laughed, and confessed to a similar
yearning: «I keep thinking what fun if my second wife had been there. Her, and all her goddam
family.») No, he valued the letter merely because his prison friend, the «super-intelligent» WillieJay, had written for him a «very sensitive» analysis of it, occupying two single-spaced typewritten
pages, with the title «Impressions I Garnered from the Letter» at the top:
Impressions I Garnered from the Letter
1.) When she began this letter, she intended that it should be a compassionate
demonstration of Christian principles. That is to say that in return for your letter to her,
which apparently annoyed her, she meant to turn the other cheek hoping in this way to
incite regret for your previous letter and to place you on the defensive in your next.
However few people can successfully demonstrate a principle in common ethics when
their deliberation is festered with emotionalism. Your sister substantiates this failing for as
her letter progresses her judgment gives way to temper — her thoughts are good, lucid the
products of intelligence, but it is not now an unbiased, impersonal intelligence. It is a mind
propelled by emotional response to memory and frustration; consequently, however wise
her admonishments might be, they fail to inspire resolve, unless it would be the resolve to
retaliate by hurting her in your next letter. Thus commencing a cycle that can only
culminate in further anger and distress.
2.) It is a foolish letter, but born of human failing.
Your letter to her, and this, her answer to you, failed in their objectives. Your letter was an
attempt to explain your outlook on life, as you are necessarily affected by it. It was
destined to be misunderstood, or taken too literally because your ideas are opposed to
conventionalism. What could be more conventional than a housewife with three children,
who is «dedicated» to her family???? What could be more unnatural than that she would
resent an unconventional person
There is considerable hypocrisy in conventionalism. Any thinking person is aware of this
paradox; but in dealing with conventional people it is advantageous to treat them as
though they were not hypocrites. It isn’t a question of faithfulness to your own concepts; it
is a matter of compromise so that you can remain an individual without the constant
threat of conventional pressures. Her letter failed because she couldn’t conceive of the
profundity of your problem — she couldn’t fathom the pressures brought to bear upon you
because of environment, intellectual frustration and a growing tendency toward
isolationism.
3.) She feels that:
a) You are leaning too heavily towards self-pity.
b) That you are too calculating. c) That you are really undeserving of an 8 page letter written in between motherly duties.
4.) On page 3 she writes: «I truthfully feel none of us has anyone to blame etc.» Thus
vindicating those who bore influence in her formative years. But is this the whole truth?
She is a wife and mother. Respectable and more or less secure. It is easy to ignore the
rain if you have a raincoat. But how would she feel if she were compelled to hustle her
living on the streets? Would she still be all-forgiving about the people in her past?
Absolutely not. Nothing is more usual than to feel that others have shared in our failures,
just as it is an ordinary reaction to forget those who have shared in our achievements.
5.) Your sister respects your Dad. She also resents the fact that you have been preferred.
Her jealousy takes a subtle form in this letter. Between the lines she is registering a
question: «I love Dad and have tried to live so he could be proud to own me as his
daughter. But I have had to content myself with the crumbs of his affection. Because it is
you he loves, and why should it be so?»
Obviously over the years your Dad has taken advantage of your sister’s emotional nature
via the mails. Painting a picture that justifies her opinion of him — an underdog cursed with
an ungrateful son upon whom he has showered love and concern, only to be infamously
treated by that son in return.
On page 7 she says she is sorry that her letter must be censored. But she is really not
sorry at all. She is glad it passes through a censor. Subconsciously she has written it with
the censor in mind, hoping to convey the idea that the Smith family is really a wellordered unit: «Please do not judge all by Perry?
About the mother kissing away her child’s boo-boo. This was a woman’s form of sarcasm.
6.) You write to her because:
a) You love her after a fashion.
b) You feel a need for this contact with the outside