So that is how it all began. For a while we were simply delighted with the interlacing of our arms as we danced together. How charming and fleeting was her every move! And when it was time for the waltz and the couples began revolving around each other like spheres there was quite a bit of confusion; at any rate, there was at first, because so few knew how to waltz. We were clever—we left the floor to the others, and when the clumsiest ones had had enough, we joined in and with Andran and his partner were the last couples on the floor. I can’t recall ever having felt so light. I was transported! To hold the dearest creature in the world in my arms and fly through the room with her until everything around me was lost and…William, to be frank, I swore to myself then and there that the girl whom I loved and to whom I therefore had certain rights should never waltz with anyone but me, and if it should prove to be my downfall! Can you understand me?
We took a few turns around the ballroom to catch our breath; then she sat down. The oranges I had managed to procure for us—they were the last ones left—were most refreshing, except for the fact that I felt a stab in the region of my heart every time she graciously gave a piece to a greedy girl sitting next to her.
During the third quadrille, we were the second couple. As we danced down the row I was conscious of nothing but her arm in mine and the look on her face, which was so frankly suffused with the purest pleasure. We passed a woman who had attracted my attention before because of the kindly expression on a face no longer young. She looked at Lotte, lifted a warning finger and, as we flew by, said the name “Albert” twice, with emphasis.
“Who is Albert?” I asked. “If I may be so bold as to inquire.”
Lotte was about to reply, when we had to separate for the figure eight, and I thought I could detect a certain reflectiveness in her features when our paths crossed again. “Why shouldn’t you know?” she said as she gave me her hand for the promenade. “Albert is a good man, and I suppose you might say I am engaged to him.” This, of course, should not have come as a surprise to me; the ladies had mentioned it on the way over. Still it came as a complete surprise because I had somehow not connected it with her, who had now become so precious to me. At any rate, it served only to confuse me utterly. I became involved with the wrong couple, the result was chaos, and it took a great deal of Lotte’s presence of mind and a lot of pulling and readjusting to get all of us in orderly motion again.
The lightning, which had been noticeable on the horizon for some time—I had tried to assure everyone that it was only heat lightning—became more and more violent, and the rumbling of thunder began to drown out the music long before the dance was over. Three of the ladies left the dance floor, their partners followed them, the restlessness became general, and the music stopped.
If an accident or some disaster surprises us when we are enjoying ourselves, it naturally makes a stronger impression on us than usual, partly because of the contrast, which makes itself keenly felt, but also—and all the more strongly—because our sensibilities are open wide to all feeling and we can therefore be impressed more acutely. At any rate, I attribute the weird expressions and behavior of many of the women to this. The cleverest one very wisely sat down in a corner with her back to the window and held her hands over her ears; another fell on her knees in front of her and buried her head in the other’s lap; a third pushed her way unceremoniously between the two and threw her arms around her sister, the tears streaming from her eyes.
Many of the ladies begged to be taken home; others, who knew even less what they were doing, didn’t have enough sense left to parry the impertinences of some of our young blades, who seemed anxious to intercept the prayers that rose to the lips of the frightened women and were actually meant for Heaven. A few of the gentlemen went downstairs to smoke their pipes in peace, and the rest were only too pleased to take advantage of the innkeeper’s good suggestion to move into a room where the windows were shuttered and draped. All of us had scarcely assembled, when Lotte busied herself with making a circle of chairs, and as soon as everyone had sat down at her request, she suggested that we play a game.
I could see a few purse their lips and wriggle in happy anticipation of a smacking kiss as forfeit. “We are going to play numbers,” she said. “Now listen carefully! I will go around the circle from right to left and you will count in the same direction. Each one must say the next number when it is his turn and you must count fast, fast as lightning. Whoever hesitates or says the wrong number gets a box on the ears. And we will count to a thousand.”
What an amusing sight it was! She walked the circle with her arms outstretched. “One,” said the first person she passed; the fellow next to him said, “Two”; the next girl, “Three”; and so on. Then she began to move faster, and someone missed…ptch!…a box on the ears. That made the fellow sitting next to him laugh…ptch!…he got one, too. And faster and faster. I was boxed on the ears twice, and with secret delight felt that she had boxed my ears harder than any of the others. General laughter and commotion broke up the game before she could count to a thousand.
The storm was over. Those who wished to be alone withdrew, and I followed Lotte into the dance hall. On the way she said, “The game made them forget all about the weather.” I couldn’t think of anything to say, and she went on, “I was terribly frightened but as I pretended to be brave to encourage the others, I suddenly felt courageous.”
We walked over to the window. It was still thundering in the distance, the blessed rain was falling on the land, and a most refreshing scent rose up to us with a rush of warm air. She stood there, leaning on her elbows, her gaze penetrating the countryside; she looked up at the sky, at me, and I could see tears in her eyes. She laid her hand on mine and said, “Klopstock.” I knew at once of what she was thinking—his magnificent ode4—and was lost in the emotions that this one word aroused in me. I bent down and kissed her hand, and now there were tears in my eyes too as I looked into hers again. Oh, noble poet, if you could have seen the adoration in those eyes! I hope I need never have to hear your name, so oft profaned, spoken again by any other lips!
June 19th
I don’t know how far I got in my last letter; all I know is that it was two o’clock when I finally went to bed and if I could have talked to you instead of having to write, I would probably have kept you up until dawn.
I don’t think I have told you yet what happened on our way home from the dance and I don’t really feel like writing about it today, but I will.
There was the most marvelous sunrise. The trees were wet, the fields refreshed, our chaperones nodding…. Lotte asked me if I didn’t want to close my eyes, too…. I should not stand on ceremony with her. “As long as I can look into your eyes,” I said, looking at her steadfastly, “there is no danger of my falling asleep.” And we stayed awake, both of us, until we arrived at her gate. The maid opened the door softly, and in reply to her query assured Lotte that her father and the children were well and still asleep. Then I left her, with the request that I might see her again that very day. She agreed, and I rode over to see her. Since then sun, moon, and stars can do what they will—I haven’t the faintest notion whether it is day or night. The world around me has vanished.
June 21st
I am experiencing the kind of happiness that God dispenses only to his saints. Whatever is yet to come, I shall never be able to say that I have not felt the greatest, the purest joy life can hold. You know my beloved Wahlheim. I have moved there bag and baggage. From Wahlheim I can be with Lotte in half
